Peppermint
 
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.


I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.

He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days… all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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Paraprosdokians (look it up!)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and say that whatever you hit was the target.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

An elderly couple finally learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more no-nonsense.

One afternoon the wife went to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message.

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

A young Catholic priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way, two nuns look at him. He exclaims, "Good morning sisters".

They reply in a singsong manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite. However, he goes about his business. Later, he encounters Brother Philip along the way.

"Good morning Brother Philip."

The Brother replies in a singsong voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The priest was very confused at this. Nevertheless, he moves on. He gets a little further down the road and he comes across a fellow priest Joseph. He says, "Good morning Father Joseph."

The priest replies in a singsong manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ?"

The young priest was not going to take any more, even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, "No! I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The Bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"

The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your Holiness, what is it that you wanted?"

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to ask you was why you are wearing Sister Ann's shoes?"

1.. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.. No one is listening until you fart.

4.. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

21. If you only have one piece of toilet paper, blow your nose BEFORE you wipe your a$$.