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/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl General Category >> The Cafe >> HUMOR (jokes and such!) /cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1374889488 Message started by RatdogWillie on 07/26/13 at 18:44:47 |
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Title: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/26/13 at 18:44:47 It's been said that laughter is good medicine. Laughter Physical Health Benefits are: Boosts immunity Lowers stress hormones Decreases pain Relaxes your muscles Prevents heart disease Mental Health Benefits: Adds joy and zest to life Eases anxiety and fear Relieves stress Improves mood Enhances resilience Social Benefits: Strengthens relationships Attracts others to us Enhances teamwork Helps defuse conflict Promotes group bonding So let's have a laugh or two or more every now and then and make those around you wonder what's wrong with you. I will start the gaiety off and rolling with these few tidbits of humor :): One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and rode his motorcycle across the country. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" " Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by LANCER on 07/27/13 at 07:47:15 Good stuff dude !! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by ToesNose on 07/27/13 at 15:46:15 A mild mannered guy is sitting at the bar having a beer. A bad ass hell's angle type biker comes into the bar sits next to him, grabs the guy's beer downs it and says "so whatchya gunna do about that..huh.," Well the guy just starts to sob and cry. The biker is taken back and says "hey man, come on I hate to see a grown man cry. It was just a beer" The guy calms himself and responds " Well I got fired from my job today 6 months short of getting my pension, so I head home to tell my wife the bad news and find her in bed with the mailman, on my way out of the house my dog bit me on the leg for no apparent reason." He sobs a bit then continued "So I get in my car and decide to take a ride to clear my head, but my car starts smoking and died in front of the hardware store next door". The biker looks at him with a sorry expression and says "Hey man let me buy you a beer" The guy replies "well ok, but I'm gunna have to go next door again first to get more rat poison if I'm gunna try killing myself again" ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/27/13 at 16:36:31 Biker walks into a pub with a piece of asphalt under his arm and yells to the bartender, “Give me a beer and one for the road.” ************************************************* A pirate walks into a bar and the barkeep notices this pirate has a large helm's wheel protruding from his fly. The pirate orders his drink and the bartender asks, "So mate, what's with the wheel there? What's that for? Don't it bother you?" The pirate says, "ARrrh, It's drivin' me nuts!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/28/13 at 10:19:01 An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married. She said: I want to keep my house. He said that's fine with me. She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac. He said: That's fine with me. She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by presquile on 07/29/13 at 09:42:52 An elephant meets a naked man in the jungle and asks, 'How can you breathe with such a little thing?' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by chiguy on 07/29/13 at 16:13:18 Since the bar has not been set extraordinarily high, I'll relay one from Click and Clack: A monk went to the dentist. Even though the procedure was to be fairly painful, the monk refused Novacain. Why? He wanted to transcend dental medication. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 07/29/13 at 16:38:58 Staying in bed with your spouse shouting oh God, isn't really practicing your religion! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/29/13 at 16:49:30 Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people. It's called "tech support." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by LANCER on 07/29/13 at 18:04:00 172431212A22122C29292C20450 wrote:
By golly there is a genius around here ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 07/30/13 at 01:02:21 A trooper stops a 89 year old lady on an interstate for a tail light violation. "trooper" mam, do you know why I stopped you? "elderly lady" no sir, why? "trooper" you have a tail light out, but first I must ask you, do you have any weapons in your car? "elderly lady" um , yes I do.... I have a .38 in my purse "trooper" really? ok, any other weapons? "elderly lady" yes, I have a .45 in my console "trooper" ok, anything else? "elderly lady" yes, I have a 9mm in my glove box, with an extra clip "trooper" really? do you have anything else??? "elderly lady" well, yes... I have a .25 caliber derringer in my garter belt "trooper" oh my! .... Mam, just what are you afraid of with all those weapons ???? "elderly lady" Not a god darn thing!!!.....pardon my French... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/30/13 at 04:01:45 Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Pine on 07/30/13 at 06:34:54 Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Bikers up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce everywhere, especially all over their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots, and chasing the sheep; they're wearing Dew Rags and Baseball Caps instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scratching up the halls of wisdom. There are sun flower seeds and hot wing bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; they refuse to walk and insist on bringing their "Hogs" with them." The Lord said, "Bikers are Bikers, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello --- hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those darn Bikers have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/30/13 at 21:54:09 A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Wolfman on 07/31/13 at 02:02:02 A Blonde is driving down the highway in her Vette when she see's another Blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field just a rowing like crazy. She slams on her brakes and jumps out of the vette and screams at the second Blonde.... "It's Blondes like you that gives the rest of us a bad name! If i could swim id come out there and snatch you bald!" How do you get rid of a blonde after haveing sex with her? You open the car door! Two Eskimos are walking across the ice and see something dark in their path. First Eskimo says to the second, "Looks like dog chit." First Says "Pick it up". Second Eskimo says Eh? First says "pick it up!" Second says "Feels like dog chit. First says "smell." Second "eh?" First, "SMELL." Second, "smells like dog chit." First, "taste." second Eskimo, "EH?" first says "TASTE!" Second, "Tastes like dog chit." First says,"Huh...must be dog chit. Good thing we did'nt step in it!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/31/13 at 05:55:28 Q - What do you call a smart blonde? A - A Golden Retriever |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 07/31/13 at 06:56:36 An Irishman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe." She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?" He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 07/31/13 at 07:10:27 Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ?correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/31/13 at 07:23:35 Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where's your Ferrari? love it |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by EJID on 07/31/13 at 09:19:27 A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly for the freeway, could you please drive faster?" And the nun says, "Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 mph" The officer explains: "No ma'am, the speed limit is 70 mph. The highway number is Interstate 21." Then the police officer looks at the passenger and sees the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?" "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 157" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/31/13 at 15:13:34 A businessman was confused about a bill he just received so he asked his pretty secretary for some mathematical help. He asked, "If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 14% how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/31/13 at 15:25:10 3F34343D313E3F2524500 wrote:
I told this one today,, It got a chuckle.. then she slapped me,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dane Allen on 08/01/13 at 12:40:41 Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? A: Last years hide-and-go-seek tournament winner. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/01/13 at 14:07:18 A man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the man. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/01/13 at 20:36:25 Thats Hilarious! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/06/13 at 04:59:51 A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/11/13 at 16:58:28 Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me — I'm a U. S. Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me my money!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/11/13 at 21:57:28 Its not a joke when its THAT true.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by tdub2112 on 08/11/13 at 22:30:59 A guy walked into a bar and said "Ouch" (Sorry, had to do that one) A blonde finds a job at a new Tickle Me Elmo factory as a quality control worker. She starts her first day on the job, and things start to back up after a while. The manager walks down the assembly line to see what the hold up is, and finds the blonde sewing walnuts onto Elmo's. After the manager catches his breath from laughter, he looks at the poor girl who wondered what she had done wrong. "Ma'am. You're supposed to give him test tickles. Not testicles." he said "I thought I was doing it right. He was giggling the whole time I was sewing, just like my boyfriend." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rustysavage on 08/12/13 at 18:24:42 A NewFoundlander chatting with a young lady at a bar in Toronto. Finally the NewFoundlander says to the young lady, you remind me of the girls from home, do you have any Newfoundlander in you? The young lady replies no I don't I'm from B.C. The Newfoundlander paused and asked her would you like a little. ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/12/13 at 19:39:43 An old guy was shopping the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The younger man says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy adds, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, buxom figure, and she's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like?" The old guy replies, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 08/12/13 at 19:51:37 Happened to me last week! ;D ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Jerry Eichenberger on 08/13/13 at 07:40:55 Remember the great philosophical question about if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a noise? Well, that one is over rated. The real question is if a man speaks in forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/13/13 at 11:54:37 Two of my favorite TV moments: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvn-tBeLpCk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9DwRcioFWM |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by prechermike on 08/13/13 at 16:29:23 434C404A414C474B4C5B4E4C5B290 wrote:
Hey! Jerry's back! :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by red12049 on 08/13/13 at 17:21:48 My all time favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg Rick |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/13/13 at 19:11:04 584F4E1B181A1E132A0 wrote:
Excellent! I remember this scene well. It's a classic and unforgettable. I think about it every Thanksgiving. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/13/13 at 20:46:26 That is truly one of if not the best few minutes of TV Ive seen. Thanks for posting that. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/14/13 at 08:52:35 Is this a blonde joke? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DM6x1iK-XY8 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/14/13 at 11:39:53 No, thats a woman who hasnt yet told her former boyfriend theyre thru. Im sure he will understand as soon as he sees it comin up the road,, Man,, thats gonna SMOKE & Stank & be a real fine mess.. |
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Title: A real Travelin' Band Post by RatdogWillie on 08/14/13 at 13:25:21 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Pg2XMjwRa_k |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/14/13 at 13:38:37 300316060D05350B0E0E0B07620 wrote:
Years ago my wife thought she would do me a favor and change the oil in the Land Cruiser. She did everything properly, except she filled the oil right up to the top of the valve cover. Good thing I decided to check the oil level- when I pulled the dipstick out oil started bubbling out of the tube. I drained all the oil out, let it sit overnight, put the proper amount in, and took it for a drive on the back roads 'till it quit smoking. That is something we don't talk about at all. ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/14/13 at 16:44:43 Man,, THATS Funny! Sad,, but funny,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by babyhog on 08/16/13 at 06:20:21 Funny stuff.... keep the laughs rolling.... A man came into his bedroom and found his wife standing naked in front of the mirror. She said "I feel horrible, I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." He said "your eyesight is d@mn-near perfect!" ******************* I rear-ended a car this morning.... the start of a really bad day. The driver got out of the car and he was a dwarf!. He looked up at me and said "I'm not happy!".... so I said "well, which one are you?" ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/16/13 at 06:27:51 "Homicide victims rarely talk to police" and other horrible headlines http://www.freakonomics.com/2012/12/05/homicide-victims-rarely-talk-to-police-and-other-horrible-headlines/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/16/13 at 07:45:09 Dementia quiz first question: You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place! Try to do better next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much timeas you took for the first question, ok? Second question: If you overtake the last person, then you are....? (scroll down) ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are..... Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person?? You're not very good at this, are you? Third question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for the correct answer..... ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100... If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe... Fourth question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene,3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? 2. What is the name of the fifth daughter? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't. Her name is mary! Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ it's really very simple he opens his mouth and asks for it... Does your employer actually pay you to think?? If so do not let them see your answers for this test! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by danjray on 08/16/13 at 08:05:35 I'm terribly ashamed to admit I only answered the fifth question right... But hey I already knew I was going insane, just ask my girlfriend! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Yonuh Adisi FSO on 08/16/13 at 14:26:37 A blonde and a cowboy were sitting in a bar watching the ten o'clock news which was reporting a man on a building threatening to jump. Cowboy: "I bet you fifty dollars that that ole boy jumps." Blonde: "You're on." They continue to watch and low and behold, the guy jumps to his death. The blonde all shocked and shaken opens her purse and sadly hands the cowboy fifty dollars. The cowboy, suddenly feeling ashamed refuses the money. Cowboy: "I'm sorry little lady, I can't do this to you. I already new he would jump. I saw this news cast at five o'clock when it was live so I knew it would happen." Blonde: "Well, so did I, but after what happened last time I never thought he would do it AGAIN." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/16/13 at 15:00:31 A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." "Shut up," she says. "You're next." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by LANCER on 08/17/13 at 05:48:40 093A2F3F343C0C323737323E5B0 wrote:
My wonderfully talented and very smart wife got all but the arithmetic question correct. Yep, I married UP ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/17/13 at 06:11:45 68656A6761763633040 wrote:
Congratulations on your prized wife! You done good! ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/17/13 at 06:13:56 A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/17/13 at 07:58:40 Why that wily ol Coot! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/18/13 at 08:39:39 Monday morning Betty entered the elevator on the second floor to go to the 7th floor as she does each and every day at the same time. The new oriental gentleman that was to occupy an office on the tenth floor was on the elevator as she stepped in. She noticed that he seem to be in pain as he was rubbing his swollen cheek. As the doors closed, the gentleman loudly passed gas, making a noised that sounded like “HONDAAA!” The next few days when Betty rode the elevator, the same situation was repeated. But on Friday when Betty entered the elevator she noticed that the oriental man was smiling and had no swelling. As the doors shut, the gentleman cut a loud one that made a normal sound like ”FARRRRTTT!”. Somewhat embarrassed, Betty still felt compelled to confront the man. She turned to face him and said, “I don’t mean to embarrass you, but I couldn’t help but notice that for the last four days, when you passed gas it sounded like the word Honda, but just now it sounded like a normal fart. The gentleman smiled and said,” I went to the dentist and had problem fixed.” Betty was confused, “Dentist?” The gentleman smiles and replied, “Everyone knows an abscess makes the fart go Honda.” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/18/13 at 08:56:49 Man, Willie,, thats a stretch,, funny tho |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Charon - FSO on 08/18/13 at 18:13:24 A novitiate is laboriously copying an old volume of the Holy Book into a new volume. Near the end of the day he asks the old monk "Father, why do we copy these books?" The monk explains "My son, we copy the old books into new books so that we may continue to use them without fear that they will disintegrate. We store the old volumes so that if something should happen to the volume in use we can recopy it." "Father, in all the recopies, have there ever been any mistakes made?" "No, my son. We check the copies carefully, and of course God helps the copyist. To show you, I shall go to the vault this evening and bring up the very oldest volume. Tomorrow morning we can compare them and you can see for yourself." The next morning the novitiate enters the copy room and sees the old monk with his head on the table between the two volumes, sobbing. "Father, what is wrong?" "The word was 'celebRate'." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/20/13 at 05:55:40 Two men, an American and an Indian we re sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems.. Shot after shot... The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can't marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a lot of family problems.' The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love.. I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.' The Indian fainted........!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/20/13 at 06:09:32 A small zoo in South Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. ithin a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00." TEACHER: Maria, go to the globe and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Tony S on 08/20/13 at 22:51:16 Donald and Daisy Duck are on vacation with their nieces (April, May and June) and nephews (Huey, Dewey and Louie). They stop for the night at a hotel. The kids are swimming in the hotel pool (ducks love water you know) and Donald wants to have sex. Daisy says "did you bring a condom?" "No" says Donald dejectedly. Daisy says "we can't have sex unless you use a condom." Donald is all upset so Daisy suggests that he check with the front desk of the hotel. "People forget stuff all the time. Maybe they will have a condom." So Donald goes down to the front desk and sure enough they have condoms. The hotel clerk gives him one and asks "Mr. Duck, do you want me to put this on your bill?" Donald angrily squawks "NO!! What do you think I am, some sort of pervert??" ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 08/22/13 at 16:42:39 ducks have cloacas :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Face on 08/24/13 at 21:00:46 3F2836383834225B0 wrote:
What the hell is a cloacas? I actually had to look that up. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 08/25/13 at 07:02:06 A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/30/13 at 19:34:33 There was a pilot flying a small, single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than ten miles' visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, flipped down down the window and called to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this question, the office worker replied, "You're in an airplane." The pilot flipped up the window, executed a 275 degree turn, and executed a perfect, blind landing on the runway of the airport, five miles away. Just as the plane stopped, so did the engine as the fuel had run out. The passengers were amazed and one asked how he did it. "Simple," replied the pilot. "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless. Therefore, I knew that the building must be Microsoft's support office. From there, the airport is just five miles due East." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 10/24/13 at 09:16:50 Need a few Laughs?? Maybe it's time to dust this thread off. .................................................. An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish", says the old guy, "and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well." "Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?" "Who said my father's dead?" The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?" "He's 100 years old", says the old Texas boy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too." "Well", the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?" "He's 118 years old", says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?" "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?" ……………………………………………………………………………….. Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... 'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 10/27/13 at 10:41:40 Q. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors ............ ..................it would be a chicken sedan. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 10/27/13 at 23:51:00 ^^^^^ Headshake...sigh...^^^^^^ ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 10/28/13 at 04:46:33 Sucks! Let me try again..... A Florida panhandle Biker walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is: 1/3 ownership in the shop .... A company car... Seven home cooked dinners a week .. And $4,000 a month in living expenses." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/28/13 at 10:22:42 764550404B43734D48484D41240 wrote:
If ya cant appreciate that, thers something wrong withyaz! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 10/28/13 at 10:38:34 142732222921112F2A2A2F23460 wrote:
Yeah, but the company car is a Yugo The shop is in a town with 20 people I still have to pay mortgage, and all the bills with the living expenses And the sisters are very um..shall we say "well fed" and i'm a small guy But the food is good ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 10/29/13 at 19:41:06 I went to the doctor because my foot had been hurting for a while. "I have some good news and some bad news." "Well come on what is it?" "The good news is your foot is fine." "What about the bad news?" "The x-ray also showed that there is a scary skeleton man living inside you." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 10/30/13 at 04:06:14 [Note before you read: joke with a vaguely religious content; however, it WAS approved by my Bishop (who laughed)] You may recall from Sunday School that, in the times of the Bible, the People of Israel were socially divided in Priests and Clerics, Pharisees and Sadducees, and the lower-class artisans and farmers. Often people were referred to from their place of origin, much as today, so that there were people from Judea, Samaria, Galilee etc. ... The following is said to be a true story. A Pharisee, a Sadducee and a man from Galilee were on the shores of the Lake of Tiberias, often called the Sea of Galilee. They needed to get to the other side, and time was running short. They see a fisherman tending to his nets so they walk in that direction, discussing how to negotiate to be ferried to the other side. "I know how to deal with the plebe - says the Pharisee - let me speak to him. So the Pharisee walks up to the fisherman. "Good morning my good man!- exclaims the Pharisee - what a wonderful day! How much to ferry us to the other side?" "Ten shekel - says the fisherman without as much as looking up. "Why, that is a very reasonable price - comments the Pharisee - and hands him a coin. The fisherman looks at the money and screams out his anger: "That is not jewish money, that is a roman coin! How dare you, collaborationist! Away with you and your roman coin!" So the Pharisee walks away embarrassed. "Let me try - says the Sadducee - I have jewish coins" "Good morning my good man!- exclaims the Sadducee - what a wonderful day! How much to ferry us to the other side?" "Ten shekel - says the fisherman without as much as looking up - each!" "What? - exclaims the sadducee - thirty Shekel for a boat ride? Why, your very boat isn't worth thirty shekel! With that kind of money I can walk to the village and buy myself a horse!" And with that, he walks away fast pace towards the village. So the man from Galilee... ... So the Man from Galilee sighs, bunches up his robe around his waist and walks across... ;^) (It works best if you picture the Monty Python) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 10/30/13 at 13:55:31 An elderly man drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, Then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" And pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/02/13 at 09:17:33 A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, claiming that, after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/02/13 at 09:44:02 http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/realityzone/WhyMenDieFirst-4-362.jpg Now, why is it again men have a lower average life span? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 11/02/13 at 09:51:18 if it weren't for the label on the ladder "Don't step above this step" he coulda gone w/out the bricks and had both legs of the ladder on the table and been perfectly safe. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 11/02/13 at 11:03:46 293A2D2C333E383A316E5F0 wrote:
Sure,.. but he's no dummy... ;D... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/02/13 at 11:31:33 News just in, the inventor of Dolby surround sound, Ray Dolby has died aged 80. To mark his passing, on Sunday at 11am we ask you all to observe one minutes noise reduction. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 11/02/13 at 16:55:51 300316060D05350B0E0E0B07620 wrote:
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/02/13 at 18:05:40 51606D6065686F010 wrote:
I plan to turn mine off also. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/02/13 at 21:26:37 Once upon a time I was a maintenance man for a chain of convenience stores in West Texas.. One of the stores I was responsible for was in Monahans. A lite was out in the canopy over the pumps. It was High,, so 18 wheelers could get under,,I was ordered to replace the bulb,, I am 5'6" on a tall day.. I had a 14 foot ladder. I set it crossways on the tool box in the truck bed,, & stood on my tip toes on the top of that ladder. Seeing a 30 or 40 MPH gust come out of nowhere out ther is a common occurrence,, I did the job,& I did it ONE More time,, then, I told my boss he would have to find another way to fix a burned out bulb,, because I wasnt climbing up there like that again,,Not any kinda safe, I know that sawed off jerk never did that,, he was shorter than I am,, thers no way he coulda even reached the housing to pull the cover off, much less reach up in there to get the bulb out,.waddajakkass! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by babyhog on 11/04/13 at 12:29:14 Dear Kean Elementary: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a$$. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/04/13 at 16:03:27 A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fcuking wall." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/08/13 at 19:59:23 Why won't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 11/09/13 at 20:47:52 Just went to Harvey Norman this morning,I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car.I said,"Hey mate need some help with that TV?" He said,"Fcuk off you arsehole it's an I-pad." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 11/09/13 at 20:48:24 Our beer,which art in barrels,Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk,I will be drunk,At home as it is in public Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us,And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting,And deliver us from D U I'S For mine is the barley, The hops and the malt,Forever and ever, BARMEN |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/09/13 at 20:53:16 252A2126327C440 wrote:
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/12/13 at 06:20:55 With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied: "Go look in the garage," |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 11/12/13 at 10:35:17 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 11/12/13 at 14:32:09 Now thas funnie! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/12/13 at 20:44:07 "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied: "Go look in the garage," Thats Funny,, & so it that next one,, Dr Ruth,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/13/13 at 11:26:02 One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 11/13/13 at 11:35:22 LOL, now go on the road with those! New catch phrase instead of "here's your sign" "and that's when the fight started" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 11/13/13 at 16:13:48 True story: My wife and I were moving from one house to another. I had rented a U-Haul and enlisted the help of a couple of friends. They never showed up and I had to load the truck, drive the truck and unload it three times while she put things away in the new house. The broom (a really nice hand made one that we had bought at a craft sale that looked like a witch's broom) didn't make it into the first two loads and she was bugging me about it. I was getting pretty tired and at the end of the last load she was getting mad that I hadn't given her the broom yet after asking for it several times. I walked up to the door with it and said "here's your f*****g broom- go for a ride and settle down. ....and that's when the fight started. :-[ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/14/13 at 06:33:05 "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... Thats funny,, You know youre a redneck If you Win the Lottery & use some of the money to build a brick duplicate of your trailer house. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/15/13 at 13:32:42 Click here for a picture of a topless woman: http://whatreallyhappened.com/IMAGES/toplesswoman.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 11/18/13 at 04:10:46 I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it's hard... So hard. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/18/13 at 09:53:53 & youre failing,, in spades.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/20/13 at 05:38:18 I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the **** out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/20/13 at 15:19:53 I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Thanks for typing that out,, I larffed! I was really expecting him to thank her for the lesson & explain that he was really just buying it for his dad. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by getz on 11/20/13 at 18:07:37 A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 11/23/13 at 10:41:48 Obamacare Website working! Click "APPLY NOW" http://home.roadrunner.com/~pjrpole/ACA.html |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Midnightrider on 11/23/13 at 18:52:33 New Implant Allows Terrorist To Directly Speak To God. The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead. When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God. It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal. The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No Anaesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it. Please enjoy the security we provide for you. Best regards, Captain Midnight |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Yonuh Adisi FSO on 11/24/13 at 12:04:26 Warning, religious joke ahead. A Catholic Priest, a Rabi, and a Wiccan High Priestess decided to go to the lake for a picnic and friendly religious discussion. They all decided to go out on the lake together in a boat before sitting down to eat so they rowed out to the middle of the water and just sat in silence for a while. Suddenly the Rabi began to speak. Rabi: "You know, I'm getting a little hungry but I don't really want to row all the way back and would like to eat out here." Wiccan High Priestess: "You know that sounds like a good idea, but I too would rather not have to row all the way back either." With that the Rabi smiled and suddenly stood up. "I'm going to go get my food." He stepped out of the boat and to the amazement of the Catholic Priest did not sink in the water but stood on top and walked right across the lake, to their picnic site, grabbed his food and once again walked on the water right back to the boat and climbed in. The High Priestess seeing what the Rabi had done stood up as well. "You know, I'm going to go get my food as well." To the utter amazement of the Priest, she too stood right on top of the water, walked to shore, grabbed her wicker basket of food and walked back. "Wow, that was great. I will do the same. After all Jesus too walked on water and I have been a devout Catholic all my life and if a pagan and a jew can walk on water, then so can I." "Of course you can. We'll wait here for you to get back before we start eating." The Rabi graciously said. "Thank you." With that the Priest stood up and with perfect faith in his heart stepped out of the boat but immediately sank straight to the bottom. The Rabi and the High Priestess look where the Priest had sank. Rabi: "Maybe we should have told him about those stepping stones first." High Priestess looking at the Rabi in confusion: "What stepping stones?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 11/26/13 at 05:14:29 A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door." ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/26/13 at 21:47:32 And Thats when the fight started! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by pgambr on 11/27/13 at 06:45:57 Happy Thanksgiving! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 11/30/13 at 05:24:40 Warning political joke ahead!!! Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 12/01/13 at 10:44:57 A gas station owner in downtown was trying to increase his sales. He put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon Harry pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Harry guessed eight, and the proprietor said, "‘you were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Harry, along with his friend Jack, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Harry guessed two this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Jack said to Harry, "Me thinks that game is rigged and no one wins any free sex." Harry replied, "Not so, Jack. It is not rigged. My wife won three times last week." A jet is making its final approach into St. John's Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on "the ROCK."" He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long." Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes flat on her face in the isle. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear ...He's gotta land the plane and take a nuts first." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/01/13 at 11:39:44 4E4D455348454453210 wrote:
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. Interchangeable? I thot they were Inseparable! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by ZAR on 12/01/13 at 18:10:23 233C3A3D20271626162E3C307B490 wrote:
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. Interchangeable? I thot they were Inseparable! [/quote] I'ma thinkin' sama way JOG!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/02/13 at 06:16:16 A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungery, he sat down and looked over the menu: Tourist: $5 Broiled Missionary: $10 Fried Explorer: $15 Baked Democrat or Republican: $100 The cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They are so full of crap, it takes a whole day to clean one." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph aka limpaway on 12/03/13 at 16:49:17 6B606069656A6B7170040 wrote:
"take a nuts"? ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 12/03/13 at 20:31:12 4F5846484844522B0 wrote:
"take a nuts"? ;D ;D[/quote] standard net nanny replacement for sh!t |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/04/13 at 00:58:28 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. 12. The Tampa Bay Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/04/13 at 11:42:22 An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/12/13 at 12:15:21 An Australian poetry competition held in the Sydney opera house had come down to two finalists, an university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and had two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word. The word they were given was TIMBUKTU. First to recite his poem was the university graduate ,he stepped to the microphone and said, SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU The crowd went crazy, no way the old aboriginal could top that they thought, the aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited ME AND TIM A HUNTIN" WENT MET THREE WHORES IN A POP UP TENT THEY WERE THREE AND WE WERE TWO SO I BUCKED ONE , AND TIMBUKTU ......the aboriginal won. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 12/16/13 at 11:33:36 Jack Daniels Fishing Story A fellow went fishing, but after a short while he ran out of worms. Just then a cottonmouth swam by with a frog in it's mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with it's mouth full, he grabbed it behind it's head, took the frog and put it in the bait bucket. Now, how do you release a cottonmouth that's apt to be a little pissed that you stole his breakfast? He grabbed his bottle of Jack and spilt a little into the snakes mouth... it's eyes rolled back, it stopped squirming and went limp. Then he released the snake back into the lake w/out incident and carried on fishing using the frog. Not long after, he felt his foot being nudged. It was that darn snake... with 2 more frogs. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/17/13 at 08:53:00 Smart dog http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_detailpage&v=fybch3DX8c8 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 12/24/13 at 07:33:08 Sent by a friend from Louisiana. HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk. 5. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 12/24/13 at 07:53:47 Believe it or not, my grandfather actually did something similar. He made a bunch of piles of dog do out of cement and painted them up to look real, placed them around the yard, attached a good hefty chain to an eyelet by the back door along with a big dog food dish and scratched up the door to a height of 4', and put up a beware of dog sign. Even though he lived in a very private spot in a high crime area, not easily seen by nieghbours, he was never broken into. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/24/13 at 21:51:58 Pure Gene Yuss.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/25/13 at 15:40:29 Set the mood with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAqeAww1VL4 Cell phones ring, you know they're listening, The government, you don't be dissin' Or you'll be on flight, whisked out of sight, Lost in legal limbo wonderland. Gone away law and order You just confess to waterboarders. You lost all your rights, got whisked out of sight And lost in legal limbo wonderland. Welcome to indefinite detention, You google searched a phrase we don't allow. Our specialty is pre-thought crime prevention. We know you're guilty, just can't tell you how... Later on, you might conspire. Might buy a gun that you might fire. It is for the good of the whole neighborhood If you're lost in legal limbo wonderland... Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, and a free New Year! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by ZAR on 12/25/13 at 18:27:27 5B687D6D666E5E606565606C090 wrote:
clap!!! clap!!! clap!!! (sorry,no emoticon for applause :o ) really a good one Willie! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/26/13 at 13:12:37 So you forgot to give your biker buddy a gift…..did ya? Well it’s not too late to run out and get something today and maybe it will be cheaper because it is after Christmas. Here are a few helpful suggestions. 1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Turn Signal Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12 3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 ea. (Note –headlight filaments cost more because they are bigger) 5. Exhaust Pipe Heat. Yes, your exhaust pipe should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50 6. Gasket Gaskets. Does your bike suffer from leaking gaskets? If so your gaskets may need gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99 or so. 7. Chain Tensioner. Is your chain limp? Tension it with C-50! Only $14.99 8. Alternator Batteries. Generator Batteries also available From $29.99 9. DriveBelt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. Starting at $14.99 10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95 11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99 12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59 13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24 14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95 15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99 16. Momentum. (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50 17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your bike begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199 (one free 2 minute call to India Tech Support….translation not included)….NOTE: may not work on bikes without a computer but what the heck…purchase one or more because we need the money. 18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the mirror companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $15 per square ft. Sorry, no refunds will be given. 19. Spoke Soap. Dirty spokes? No Problem with Ajax Spoke Soap. Scrub it on….. allow it to set for a few weeks, then simply scrape it off with a chisel (not included). Only $14.95 for the big bottle and a dollar less for the smaller bottle. 20. Battery Remover – We all know that motorcycle batteries are such a pain to remove. Now there is an easier way….. Simply spray our revolutionary product on your battery….. stand back using care not to breathe the fumes….and watch as your battery melts away. WARNING: Care should be given not to allow this product to drip on to paint, metal, rubber, wiring, floors or driveways, or any other surface. If product comes in contact with skin or is swallowed. Call the Coroner. 21. Magic Motorcycle Cleaner Cloth – Formerly sold as Scam Wow, but that never panned out so we are re-introducing this amazing rag under a new name. Hurry supplies are limited to the multiple millions we failed to sell the first time. Only $9.95 plus shipping. 22. Motorcycle Seat Belts. Are you tired of falling off your motorcycle at speedbumps, stoplights, and after long hours of partying without sleep? We have the answer…..Our easy to install Biker Belts with optional random inflating Airbags. (signed Legal Waiver required with payment). 23. Handle Bar Nut. Is your bike handling erratic? Are you finding yourself doing insane stunts and damaging your bike? It just might be the nut behind the handle bars. Send $99 along with a signed notarized title to your motorcycle to my temporary post office box. Allow 6-8 weeks before looking for me. Hurry! Do it today! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/26/13 at 17:51:06 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 12/28/13 at 04:56:50 Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 01/10/14 at 09:31:19 Deep in the Arkansas woods, Bob the reporter came upon a farmer’s house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Jim) agreed to answer his questions. Bob asked Farmer Jim what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Jim replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.” “I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Jim thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a real good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.” Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Jim, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?” Farmer Jim hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/10/14 at 12:23:18 Boy! They play hide & seek with some pretty rough rules.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/10/14 at 12:25:20 That reporter better hope he can find his way back to his car! :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Pine on 01/10/14 at 12:49:41 I'm just glad they are picking on Arkansas and not Mississippi. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 01/16/14 at 08:16:59 Two old Jewish guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this sh!t but me." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Yonuh Adisi FSO on 01/16/14 at 13:50:07 202B2B222E21203A3B4F0 wrote:
That was good ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 01/16/14 at 23:39:14 http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/demotivational-posters-of-the-week-dumpaday-6.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/16/14 at 23:49:12 Yea, theres that, & whats the guy in the purple pants, low left corner, showin us? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 01/17/14 at 01:51:02 My, my, JOG, what a tweee-sted mind ! :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 01/17/14 at 05:26:10 Whats the girl in the yellow top doing to the guy in the red shirt by the cotton candy machine to the left? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 01/17/14 at 07:15:18 :-? ::) :D Naaah... that's just parallax and perspective... ;) ::) ain't it ? Huh ? Huh ? ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/17/14 at 09:14:51 7A67726474766378657E170 wrote:
Meee? Im not tweested! You wanna see tweested? Check out the guy in front of the portapotty, pretty much center behind the "KNock the pins down" game. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/17/14 at 09:49:14 Taken from http://www.realityzone.com/currentperiod.html Sort of a Drudge like compilation of news, articles, & some analysis & editorial., Every week, on Friday, he posts a new one. Photo of the week, humor, I enjoy it,, It had to happen. Blond-guy jokes! Two blond guys find three grenades and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman phoned the blond neighbor guy and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blond guy replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blond guy is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blond guy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde guy says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blond guy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blond guy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde guy's dog is missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blond guy is in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (This one actually makes sense...sort of...) An Italian tourist asks a blond guy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde guy replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 01/18/14 at 23:53:38 Geico commercial: Oldest trick in the book... have you seen it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSxfUmYQeyE I can't help but laugh every time I seeith it. :D ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/19/14 at 06:33:56 Yea, somehow I saw that. Usually I avoid seeing commercials, pause & run thru, record, run thru, anything to dodge commercials,, but I saw that one & YES,, Its funny.. The goofy lizzard on his knees crying about a flat? Nope,, made me wanna punch the TV.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 01/19/14 at 09:27:42 46454D5B404D4C5B290 wrote:
OK, so I watched the ad three times, maybe it was the low volume, maybe I didn't quite catch the pun, but "15 minutes on your knees" makes me think of something... and it's not prayers... :D Else, I didn't get it... ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/19/14 at 09:30:44 Look ye there Ha! Made ya look. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 01/19/14 at 09:43:49 726D6B6C71764777477F6D612A180 wrote:
http://www.divorce-advice-guide.com/gallery/image/middle_made-you-look.jpg http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c0/d9/29/c0d929192ba99b116ceeda40c088b5ad.jpg http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/57/6e/d5/576ed55bbf39a0df976e552c83300e28.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 01/21/14 at 07:16:52 A month ago I dropped my mobile phone and before I could pick it up a badger carried it off in his mouth and swallowed it, I thought that was the end of it, but that was not the case. Today the NSA contacted me and asked about my movements, they want to know why I spend most nights creeping around peoples back gardens and spend my days in an underground hideout. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 01/23/14 at 11:03:03 From www.engrish.com http://www.engrish.com/wp-content/uploads//2013/11/motorcycle.jpg ::) ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 01/23/14 at 11:04:11 As in... grin & bear it ? ::) http://www.engrish.com/wp-content/uploads//2013/11/enjoy-or-endure-the-treatment.jpg :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 01/27/14 at 07:35:19 This email seems like too good of a deal to pass up....doesn't it? MY DEAR AMIRACAN FREIND. I AM ABACHA, OF LATE ABACHA, HEAD OF STATE OF KIMBABO, WHO DIED ON THE 8TH OF DECEMBER OF 2013. I CONTACTED YOU BECAUSE OF MY NEED TO DEAL WITH PERSONS OF WHOM MY FAMILY AND I HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS. SINCE 2012 MY MOTHER-UN-LAW HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO ALL SORTS OF HARASMENT AND INTIMINDATION WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE REPORTS EMINATING FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND THE BANK OF PLUTO ABOUT MY CARBUNCLES . THE PRESENT GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO INSURED THAT OUR BANK ACCOUNTS ARE DEPLETED AND ALL SEIZED. IT IS IN VIEW OF THIS, THAT I SEEK YOUR CO-OPERATION AND ASSISTANCE IN THE TRANSFER OF THE SUM OF US $9,000,000(MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) BEING THE VERY LAST OF MY FAMILY FUND IN MY POSESSION AND CONTROL. THE CENTRAL GOVERNMENT SEIZED ALL OUR PORK BELLY FUTURES AND FROZE ALL OUR UVULAS, BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL AFTER THE DEATH OF MY GOAT , BUT MY ONLY HOPE NOW IS THIS AVAILABLE US $9,000,000 CASH WHICH I CAREFULLY PACKAGED AND DEPOSITED AS PHOTOGRAPHIC MATERIALS WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN LAGOS WHERE MY COUSIN IS A TAP DANCER . IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST US IN RECEIVING THIS MONEY ON OUR BEHALF, PLEASE, CONTACT MY CHESEMAKER , EL KABONG, IMMEDIATELY ON FAX NUMBER OR TELEPHONE NUMBER . ON RECEPT OF YOUR REPLY, HE WILL CONTACT YOU TO DISCUS THE FLUSHOTS AND NEGOATIATE YOUR REWARD, WHICH I CAN ASURE YOU WILL BE VERY ADAMANTINE. MEANWHILE, OUR INTINTION IS TO INVEST THIS FUNDS IN YOUR COUNTRY BASED ON YOUR ADVICE AND PLEASE INSURE TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL VERY SECRET AND CONFADENTIAL FOR OBVIOUS REASONS AND SEND TO US YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION FOR IMMEDATE DEPOSIT OF MY SECRET FUNDS ABOVE. WHEN REPLYING, PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE/FACSIMILE NUMBER FOR EASY AND CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION. WE URJINTLY AWAIT YOUR IMMEDATE RESPONSE. YOUR TRUSTY FREIND ABACHA |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Pine on 01/27/14 at 07:38:54 darn man they froze his uvula... thats harsh! you should help him! and lost his goat... so sad. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 01/27/14 at 07:54:15 7B42454E5F44592B0 wrote:
....even worse is the fact that he died in December. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/27/14 at 08:18:40 714257474C44744A4F4F4A46230 wrote:
If it's already packaged... just mail it to me. El Kabong? That guitar wielding, singing Mexican horse? He's still alive? and making cheese? poor b'tard... musta lost his voice... not that he had one to begin with. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/27/14 at 09:22:35 Well,, he may not have had a great voice, but anyone with hooves who can play a guitar deserves to make a good living. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 01/27/14 at 16:44:18 New store opening in New York City A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll down and keep reading!) PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/27/14 at 17:12:35 yup :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/27/14 at 17:13:25 my 2 give me the same look ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/27/14 at 17:15:34 I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/27/14 at 17:17:26 As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/27/14 at 17:18:20 A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police. I couldn't find the Thingy that turns the TV over today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it. They said she left me yesterday |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 01/30/14 at 05:14:05 The Divorce Settlement... ...On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar ,and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was , she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .. and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/30/14 at 19:19:36 A penguin is driving his car on a hot day, when suddenly he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and because it's so hot, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. He makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers, and gets covered in ice cream. When he's finished, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin is shocked, and splutters, "No no, it's just ice cream!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/30/14 at 19:21:27 A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a Chinese pastry shop. The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the Chinese baker doesn’t notice. The Aussie says to the Kiwi "You’ll never beat that!" The Kiwi says to the Aussie "Watch and learn!" He says to the Chinese baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!" The Chinese baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the Chinese baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick." The Chinese baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit." The Chinese baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too. Now the Chinese baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick you broody Kiwi?" The Kiwi says: "Look in the Aussies's pocket!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/31/14 at 13:32:33 amen to that ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/31/14 at 23:16:16 darn dirty stinking cavemen ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/01/14 at 11:25:10 A real woman really is man's best friend.She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires.She makes him feel confident and sexy,seductive and invincible....No...wait....wait,I'm thinking of beer.It's crappity smacking beer that does that! Sorry! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 02/04/14 at 17:25:41 A guy goes to visit the doctor. "I want to be castrated" Doctor, a bit surprised asks "Are you sure about that?" "yep, I've given it thought, and it's what I want". So the doctor makes the arrangements, the guy goes to hospital and the procedure is done. Waking up in the recovery ward, he sees another guy in the bed next to him. "G'day mate", he says to the Other Guy," what are you here for?" The Other Guy replies "I've just been circumcised" His face drops. "Oh nuts. That's the word I was looking for!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 02/12/14 at 04:38:19 On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Buffalo, NY were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electricity went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time." .................................................................>>>>> Do you know why cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 02/16/14 at 11:09:23 I was in a London pub one night and had had a few drinks, when I noticed two rather large women at the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked them, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of the turned to me and practically screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!" I apologized immediately and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/17/14 at 22:21:49 A man on is Motorcycle was riding along a California beach when suddenly the heavens opened above him and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy." God replied: "You want four lanes or six on that bridge...?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 02/23/14 at 00:30:07 A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies lives on the same street and they might see her. Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls. Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants. Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner.It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol. Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special. Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible. Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dane Allen on 02/23/14 at 20:10:05 President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID. Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I order you to cash this check!" Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. I don't have a clue what to do. Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 02/23/14 at 21:40:29 Dane,.. if that ain't political... I don't know what is ... MY favorite... "Why do cows have bells?... Because their horns don't work"... ;D ;D ;D That's a keeper... ;D... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dane Allen on 02/24/14 at 10:50:06 7462756870656873070 wrote:
Yeah, I know :-[ The other option was uncomfortably uncouth so I went with the lesser of two evils. :) The bridge to Hawaii is a great one!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/24/14 at 20:19:50 A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page..."Passing motorist save little girl from being eaten in Lion attack." So then, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican. The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE BIKIE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH ....and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dane Allen on 02/25/14 at 15:08:01 555A5156420C340 wrote:
Nailed it!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 02/26/14 at 06:45:27 So this man and women were about to celebrate their 40th Anniversery and the man was reflecting on their life together. He and his wife had married young and struggled with money issues like a lot of folks, raised a family, and had a good life together. As he reflected...the man became curious, and asked his wife "Have you ever cheated on me?" The wife confessed that she had once. She reminded him of the time that they were having money problems and were not able to keep up with the house payments, and it looked like they might lose their home. She asked if he remembered the bank suddenly granting them a new mortgage at a reduced interest rate? She said that she had gone and talked to the Bank President, and one thing led to another and she spent an intimate afternoon with him.....and they were able to keep their home. The husband was upset - but realized that the woman had done it so they could keep their house. She then confessed....that there was another time she had been unfaithful. She asked if he remembered the time that he was having health problems, and they could not afford to have the necessary tests done. As time passed he was getting worse, and then their Docter suddenly had figured out a way to get the tests done and the necessary medication without any cost to them.....and she confessed that she had spent an afternoon with the Dr. and showed him things that were not listed in any medical journals. Once again the husband was upset - but then he realized that she had done that for him. He was blessed and thankful that she had done these things to get him through some rough times - and he told her that he was greatful that it was only twice that she had strayed. At that she commented that there was one other time that she had been unfaithful. He was shocked, and wanted to know what had caused to to stray a third time. She reminded him of the time he was running to be elected the President of the local mens lodge......and he needed 38 votes to win the election! :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/26/14 at 21:41:10 my kinda pilot ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by pgambr on 02/26/14 at 21:49:17 :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 02/27/14 at 13:20:05 A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: darn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 02/28/14 at 06:38:35 Worlds Worst Hunting Dog! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 03/02/14 at 10:23:50 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/0df94faa-b137-49dd-b85d-542ee1764444.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/0df94faa-b137-49dd-b85d-542ee1764444.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/08/14 at 04:01:14 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/08/14 at 10:36:29 The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side." The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/08/14 at 10:42:50 Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/09/14 at 21:33:47 A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where?', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/10/14 at 10:50:33 A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my two brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/10/14 at 15:06:21 If there were a major waterway running through Crimea ,would it be the ... Crimea River? Sorry ,couldn't help myself. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/10/14 at 16:06:44 3D36363F333C3D2726520 wrote:
GOOD ONE ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by pgambr on 03/10/14 at 16:25:22 Enough said. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/10/14 at 17:16:58 697E78747B6B190 wrote:
Ah Ha! So Oregon is where she moved to. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/14/14 at 03:01:15 20 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Understand. http://m.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/14/14 at 05:19:50 675441515A52625C59595C50350 wrote:
I don't get #12. :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/14/14 at 05:29:04 313A3A333F30312B2A5E0 wrote:
I don't get #12. :-/[/quote] Me either.....and I am an Engineer! I have someone coming over at 10 AM that will most likely be able to explain it to me. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/14/14 at 11:34:51 OK....I believe # 12 is resolved. 31 in base 8 = 25 in base 10 :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/14/14 at 13:06:56 566D6077666A71776C646976050 wrote:
I still don't get it, but that's OK. If it is that obtuse I don't think it could be funny anyway, and I don't think I can afford the time to learn how it could be. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/15/14 at 04:51:58 In regard to #17: A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." So the hotdog vendor does, and the monk gives him a $10 bill. The vendor puts the bill into the cash box and starts waiting on the next customer. The monk says, "Hey, what about my change?" The vendor replies, "Change must come from within." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/15/14 at 05:00:54 6E65656C606F6E7475010 wrote:
I still don't get it, but that's OK. If it is that obtuse I don't think it could be funny anyway, and I don't think I can afford the time to learn how it could be. :-?[/quote] No...it reallly isn't funny. The joke asks why engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas. Halloween is Oct. 31 and Christmas is Dec 25. I am not sure of the nomenclature...but evidently they believe the abbreviation Dec indicates a base 10 system of counting, while the Oct indicates you should use a base 8 system. In our base 10 system you gain the second digit for the next number after 9.......when you count in the base 8 sytem you get the second digit for the next number after 7. The fact that we use 10 might be that we have 10 fingers....or maybe that it makes the division or multiplication simpler than using some other base system. Dec 25 is therefore in base 10......and is 25.....no change. If you change 31 from a base 8 system to a base 10 there is a change. To change 31 in base 8 divide it into 10 + 10 + 10 + 1. Then to change it to base 10 you install an 8 wherever there is a 10, and you get 8+8+8+1 = 25. (Think it is funny yet?) If that was confusing, maybe this will help. Base 10 counting is standard. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,etc. Base 8 counting is 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,20,21,22,etc. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/15/14 at 06:43:54 Thanks for the explanation. Now I understand the base 8 system, and the joke, which is still not funny. Question: why would anyone need a different base system in math? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by bobert_FSO on 03/15/14 at 07:03:04 "Question: why would anyone need a different base system in math?" Computers run in base 2. Early computers stored information in 8-bit groups, called a byte). In this case, counting in octal (base-8) made memory addressing easy, being analogous to humans using decimal (base-10) because they have a storage system of 10 (10 fingers). Another common computer numeric system is hexadecimal, which uses 16 as its base. Counting in hex is 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 a b c d e f 10. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/15/14 at 08:16:35 Thanks guys. You learn something every day. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/16/14 at 07:28:24 A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/18/14 at 10:38:48 St.Paddy's jokes (a day late) Two Irish men walk out of a bar..... ..........it could happen! What's Irish and plays music in your back yard? Pati O'Speakers. A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland,and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you Irish are darn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.' The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. 'Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman his money and says, 'If you don't mind me askin', where did you go for the past 30 minutes?'. The Irishman replies, 'Oh.... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 03/20/14 at 23:28:56 which one are you? :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 03/20/14 at 23:30:10 A Chinese family of 5, name Chu, Bu, Hu, Tu and Fu decided to migrate to the New Zealand. In order to get visas, they have to adapt their names to the New Zealand Standard. Chu becomes Chuck, Bu becomes Buck, Hu becomes Huck and Tu becomes Tuck. Fu decided to stay in China |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 03/21/14 at 05:54:38 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/28/14 at 09:41:52 ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 03/28/14 at 10:12:31 32090413020E151308000D12610 wrote:
ROTFLMAO!.... just so I don't look stupid... :-?... ;D ;D ;D... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 04/07/14 at 08:21:45 One day the chicken & horse were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, the chicken searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping there was still time to save the horse's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's motorcycle, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and as the chicken began to sink, the horse heard the cry, 'Save me!' The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-dong thing and he would then lift the chicken out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled up and out, saving the chicken's life. The moral of the story? (Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!) 'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/07/14 at 10:58:57 Dude! Thats FUNNEE,,, & FWIW, Ive never had a Harley,, Hows yours doin, Rowboat? Does it make your "oar" bigger? OHHHH, Im Bad! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/08/14 at 23:41:47 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/08/14 at 23:42:53 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/08/14 at 23:43:27 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/08/14 at 23:43:50 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/09/14 at 00:18:55 Too deep for me! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Pine on 04/09/14 at 07:53:22 UMMMm I loved submarine races. Though they were only held at night.. by a lake.. and no ... spectators, cops, and angry dads were not a welcome sight. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 04/11/14 at 09:03:20 A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." What do you mean? said the the pirate, "I feel fine." What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Well, said the pirate, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. The bartender replied, Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? The pirate explained, we were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really. What about the eye patch? Oh, said the pirate, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them sh!t in my eye. You're kidding, said the bartender. You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh!t. "It was my first day with the hook." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 04/11/14 at 13:36:50 This clip is good for some chuckles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk92O0SEjXc |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 04/12/14 at 07:07:41 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/10009880_10152277755722808_2035954163_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/10009880_10152277755722808_2035954163_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 04/13/14 at 15:27:19 Murphy, a furniture dealer from Hoboken, wanted to expand the line of furniture. He decided to go to Paris, to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new purchase, he decided to visit a small tavern and have a glass of wine. At the crowded bistro, he sat enjoying his wine. There was the only vacant table in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table. She asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand). He motioned to the vacant table and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English. She did not understand him. He took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin. He drew a picture of a plate with food. She nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet restaurant that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the band stopped playing. Back at their table, the young woman took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. . . . To this day, Murphy still cannot figure how she knew he was in the furniture business. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 04/13/14 at 15:36:12 There was a Scottish painter named Clive MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He got away with this for some time, until the local church decided to do a big restoration job. Clive put in his bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Clive was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was lightning and a horrendous clap of thunderI The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from the church walls. It also knocked poor Clive clear off the scaffold, landing on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. But Clive was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 04/21/14 at 08:32:05 Husband's Message (by cell phone): Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head has been very strong. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may need to amputate the right foot. Wife's Response: Who in the Hell is Paula? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by ZAR on 04/21/14 at 19:13:01 7B747F786C221A0 wrote:
Always thought "submarine races" involved bed covers and "UP Periscope" ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 04/24/14 at 12:55:01 Johns Hopkins Weight Study The National Institute of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins . The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by prsavage on 04/24/14 at 16:00:45 How many people work for (insert company name here)? About half of them. ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/26/14 at 09:48:21 http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/realityzone/DogSexScandal.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/26/14 at 16:40:03 Subject: VASELINE & SEX ( funny) A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/29/14 at 00:19:51 The Last Kiss Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/29/14 at 00:20:14 In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?" The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell?" asks girl baby. "Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 04/29/14 at 04:31:56 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/29/14 at 07:25:19 All good, but this is great.. "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/30/14 at 01:08:02 A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his crappity smackin' widow." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/30/14 at 01:09:41 Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 04/30/14 at 03:25:03 Yeah... I know sum schitt, he moved in next door.... he is the son of pisa and bull. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/30/14 at 08:17:35 ANE! Bravo! Thats one of, if not THE best plays on words Ive seen, &, uh,, Thats Noe Schitt. I wonder if they went to to school with the Mupp sisters Tara Mupp & Ita Mupp,, Ohh those girls were Tough, But they had a cousin who was known far & wide, mean & Tough. Her name was Fukka Mupp & boy she would,,A genuine wrecking machine .. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 04/30/14 at 09:26:09 Around here we have the Chess family. Matt Chess Pete Chess Bell Chess Rett Chess. ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 04/30/14 at 10:11:37 You've forgotten Scrat Chess |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 04/30/14 at 13:49:21 Of course we all know Stan Dup and Ben Dover. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 04/30/14 at 14:19:15 and warren pain, his dad... major pain and their super star mom... pita |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/30/14 at 22:44:43 I feel sorry for Stu Pidass ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by WD on 04/30/14 at 23:21:40 What do you call a pimple on a politician's butt? A brain tumor... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/01/14 at 00:25:28 Redneck's Magic trick A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop. The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever we are? You rednecks can never beat that!" The redneck says to the black guy: "Watch this, any redneck is smarter than a black guy, and I'll prove it to ya." He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one, too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The redneck eats this one, too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?" The redneck says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/01/14 at 00:28:27 A little boy has diarrhea. He tells his mom he needs Viagara. The mom is confused. So, she asks, "Son, why on Earth do you need Viagara". The boy replies, "Isn't that what daddy takes when his nuts won't get hard?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/01/14 at 14:49:20 I posted this story on another thread a long time ago........of you read it before....it's worth re-reading...if you haven't read it......do it....it's Funny! http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 05/01/14 at 18:21:47 There are three things I hate: 1. Complaining 2. Lists 3. Irony |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 05/02/14 at 08:51:05 lol, killer squirrel... https://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/no-pictures--squirrel-pulls-a-photographer-145017591.html |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/02/14 at 21:16:57 I need a bambulance Raw Language.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ty6JPyr2XZ0 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/03/14 at 00:26:17 I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/03/14 at 14:23:01 An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/03/14 at 18:02:42 I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently ****ed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/03/14 at 20:08:36 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/04/14 at 00:04:13 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by bobert_FSO on 05/04/14 at 05:44:54 May the 4th be with you! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/04/14 at 06:06:26 http://www.imbecile.me/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/dear-dr-ruth-married-sex-maniac.gif |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/04/14 at 07:34:10 A Simple Explanation of Baseball This is a game played by two teams; one out, the other in. The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out, it does count. When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out. When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In that case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out. The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one teams has more in without being out before coming in. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 05/04/14 at 08:35:20 Is this baseball or sex? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/04/14 at 08:37:00 263522233C3137353E61500 wrote:
team sex??? :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/04/14 at 08:57:37 Where IM from we call that an orgy. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by daltmyer920 on 05/05/14 at 00:10:43 "dirty" joke a white horse fell in the muc really "dirty" joke two white horses fell in the mud |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/05/14 at 00:11:56 Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/05/14 at 00:12:51 A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/05/14 at 23:13:16 THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/05/14 at 23:14:45 3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code to look in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/06/14 at 22:19:54 The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 4 years. I pay him $295 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. RANCHER: That would be me. What's the point in living if you don't |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/07/14 at 07:23:43 How to give a cat a pill Position right forefinger and on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in hamburger. 2. Toss it in the air. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/07/14 at 08:51:30 Easiest way to give my dog a pill is first Get the pill in the cat. Toss cat in the air.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 05/07/14 at 13:29:40 A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.' Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/08/14 at 05:04:14 Thats cool.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/09/14 at 00:21:53 Why It’s Great to be a Bloke Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. Wrinkles-add character. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Suit rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. One mood, ALL the darn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.” If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes. The world is your urinal. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by ZAR on 05/09/14 at 17:24:09 6E616A6D79370F0 wrote:
And the congregation said Amen |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/09/14 at 18:20:50 Three friends married women from different parts of the world........ The first man married a Greek girl...... He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai...... He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Bangor Maine......... He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/10/14 at 16:53:11 My grandma has alzheimers...it's tough to deal with,but i'm grateful for the $50 she sends me every week for my birthday. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 05/21/14 at 18:57:26 A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl. The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/23/14 at 00:07:03 Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on...... Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/23/14 at 00:24:56 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? I dont know, but OIl of Ole" is made from dead bullfighters. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window... Mine doesnt get mad at me,, maybe you need a breath mint.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 05/23/14 at 05:30:25 I wonder who was the first person to eat a crab....and did they have melted butter? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/23/14 at 08:46:43 Ive wondered the same thing. I doubt there was any butter. & whoever it was was REALLY hungry.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/26/14 at 23:26:34 The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 05/31/14 at 05:22:54 :P |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 05/31/14 at 09:36:22 I like the bumper sticker my old 4 X 4 Bronco had.... You have to put it on upside down though..... If you can read this, I am upside down, find the guy I handed my beer to and get it back for me! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 05/31/14 at 18:38:30 The Past, the Present ,and the Future walked into a bar ..... it was a very tense situation. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/02/14 at 22:31:29 :P |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 06/03/14 at 06:19:18 A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?" The woman was angry and said, "No! Fcuk off you filthy old bastard." The tramp turned to leave and said, "No problem, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/03/14 at 06:26:50 Hey, Anebv8,, I told that "Bite my eye" joke to my boss when I was a new hired mechanic. I had no idea the old bastard only had 1 eye.. I didnt last too long.. Friendship is like a book. Takes a long time to write only minutes to burn. English is a funny language. Guy asked his English professor what was the difference between complete & finished. Prof told him,, If a man finds the right woman, he is complete. If he finds the wrong one, hes finished. If the right woman catches him with the wrong woman he is completely finished. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 06/03/14 at 11:07:03 cloudy with a chance of grasshoppers... https://news.yahoo.com/grasshoppers-radar-albuquerque-171526726.html |
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Title: Hope it wasn't posted before... Post by mpescatori on 06/04/14 at 06:02:20 A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 06/05/14 at 06:42:32 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/06/14 at 01:04:49 There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down. Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep! On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three... On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him downtomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses. After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!! All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's cook the goat!!!! Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the praise. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by prechermike on 06/06/14 at 04:51:41 27282324307E460 wrote:
Unfortunately, that's too true to be funny. :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 06/06/14 at 12:11:06 343621272C2136292D2F21440 wrote:
Unfortunately, that's too true to be funny. :-/[/quote] it is funny because it is true. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/07/14 at 02:01:38 Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip. In ancient Greece, sometime around 469 - 399 BC, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Yonuh Adisi FSO on 06/09/14 at 19:36:59 Back in the hills there was a father and son. The son went on a field trip to New York City but when he returned he had a sack ful of money all in one dollar bills. When his father saw the money he bent his son over his knee and was just about to give him a spanking. The son begged and pleaded as to why he was being punished. "Well son you have obviously just robbed someone to get this much money." "But Daddy, no I didn't I swear." "Then how did you get it?" "Well sir, just before we left, I filled a big bag with cuckaburrs and when we got to New York I sold them to those dumb city slickers for a dollar a piece as porcupine eggs." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/09/14 at 22:34:08 :-X |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 06/10/14 at 09:50:33 Tall bars.......or the "MOTORCYCLE/HEMORRHOID' accessory. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 06/12/14 at 06:54:43 Sign at the bar downtown Cincinnati...where the Mods and Rockers Reunion was held. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/12/14 at 11:45:43 142F2235242833352E262B34470 wrote:
Really? I had no idea anyone was that stupid. Well,, not anyone who is smart enough to be able to ride a bike, OHH wait,, that thing is an automatic transmission, isnt it? He doesnt hafta be smart enough to learn how to work a clutch & shift gears,, That CANT be legal, can it? Theres no way to maintain control in any event other than purely perfect circumstances,. Is that photoshopped? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 06/12/14 at 12:27:04 77686E6974734272427A68642F1D0 wrote:
Really? I had no idea anyone was that stupid. Well,, not anyone who is smart enough to be able to ride a bike, OHH wait,, that thing is an automatic transmission, isnt it? He doesnt hafta be smart enough to learn how to work a clutch & shift gears,, That CANT be legal, can it? Theres no way to maintain control in any event other than purely perfect circumstances,. Is that photoshopped? [/quote]Yes....photoshopped....notice the bottom of the leather jacked is not flapping behind in the wind created by forward movement. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 06/13/14 at 07:51:18 1.Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2.Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3.Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4.Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. 5.Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. 6.Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. 7.Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8.Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! 9.Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10.Law of the Theater & Sports Arena At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 11.The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 12.Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 13.Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 14.Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 16.Law of Public Speaking A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! 17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it! 18.Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 06/13/14 at 09:51:13 Let's went! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 06/14/14 at 15:54:09 Mother's Driver's License tells all: A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'. 'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?' 'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'. Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?' 'I also know that you used to have brown hair.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 06/14/14 at 18:20:47 Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off... first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay. "What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by zieglarf on 06/15/14 at 14:46:48 A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers - so the bartender gave him five beers. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 06/15/14 at 15:42:02 The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the range when Tonto stops his trusty horse Scout, climbs down and puts his ear to the ground for a few seconds. He then stands up and says to the Lone Ranger, "Hmmm buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "Now how in the hell do you know that?" Tonto responds, "Ear sticky." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 06/16/14 at 02:04:56 7F4C5949424A7A44414144482D0 wrote:
Quote:
I just fell off my chair and sprained my jawbone... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/17/14 at 15:12:49 http://www.youtube.com/embed/78RrsepkQKA?rel=0 Work "fails",, some pretty funny stuff in here, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 06/17/14 at 18:22:40 46595F5845427343734B59551E2C0 wrote:
Fun stuff, JOG!!!.. ;D ;D ;D... Here's a part II... [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Gn793VT7w&feature=youtu.be[/media] This one's mostly news women... ;D... [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRdez_vZ9vY[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/18/14 at 08:33:12 Row, did ya spot the tree felled across the sidewalk w/ people walking down it? One gal had just cleared the impact zone when it came down,, REally? No one stationed on the perimeter to stop people? Dude,, thats toying w/ LIVES! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 06/18/14 at 11:05:08 I have dumped wheelbarrows full of concrete on the ground a few times. My biggest problem has been with ladders. I once had to repair a vent on the roof of a three story condo alone. I got the ladder up, but before I could climb up and tie it off it blew over onto a car. :-[ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/18/14 at 12:02:54 I have a friend in Andrews Texas who does maintenance for the city/county.. Takes care of a few buildings. He was in a hurry, slapped a ladder up, didnt check it. He got up, bottom slid out, broke both arms,, His poor wife! 6 weeks of feeding & bathing & butt wiping,, OHH Joy.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 06/23/14 at 07:57:55 http://https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/551462_528740970498119_1761228271_n.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/27/14 at 00:11:14 Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year, And every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter " Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! " One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance " To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid " The pilot overheard the couple and said, " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. " Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.. I'm impressed! " Bill replied, " Well, to tell you t'truth I almost said summat when Blanche fell out, But tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! " |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/28/14 at 16:38:08 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 06/28/14 at 17:26:46 :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/05/14 at 15:16:36 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/05/14 at 17:19:33 A Husband and wife, went to their cabin on a lake. One morning the husband got up early, took the boat out and went fishing. He came in, cleaned the fish, put the bait away, and went Golfing. About noon, (It was Such a Nice day) The wife, took the boat out, anchored by a sand bar, and relaxed, reading a book and enjoying the sun. Up drives, (in a boat of course), the local Game Warden. He actually has to awake her, as she was taking a nap. He said: “Mamm, could I see your fishing license”. She said: “I wasn’t fishing, in fact I was taking a nap, and you woke me up”. He said: “Does not matter, you have all the equipment to go fishing, so I must give you a ticket” She argued with him, to no avail. After he wrote the ticket, she asked for his card, he gave her one. Then she said: “Just so you know, I am charging you with RAPE” He sputtered and stammered, and said: “No Way, I never even left my boat”. She said: “Ah, but you have all the equipment to do so”. In reference to a recent thread. http://suzukisavage.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1404479941 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by BalingWire on 07/05/14 at 17:33:10 I found out the other day that I'm a lesbian, just like this ol' cowboy... An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." True story! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/05/14 at 18:04:26 Went to the County, Planning and Zoning dept. With a design of a new, ’shed’ I wanted to construct. It was 4 stories high, had a, tower, (Which I planned to put speakers on), was going to paint it, purple, pink, yellow & green. And at certain time, I was going to broadcast, from the speakers, on the tower. The County, Planing & Zoning, LAUGHED, and said: “No F’en Way”. The next week, I went back, with the same plans, and said: Oh did I forget to say it was a mosque. Construction, starts Next week |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/05/14 at 18:14:54 Was fishing one day, snagged something, pulled in the line, and up comes a old brass, urn. Started rubbing in it, and Outs Pops A Genie ! He said: “One wish, think about it” So I did, then said: I want a Bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive a MC their”. He looked at me, and told me, that was absolutely impossible. Think of another wish. So I thought, and thought, and thought. Then Said: “I want to understand Women, make me understand Women” He said: “Ya want that bridge 2 or 4 lane”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/05/14 at 18:17:15 03201D3E3C2720294E0 wrote:
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/05/14 at 18:25:51 This is a TRUE Story. TRUE !!! When I had a shop in a small town, at lunch, would go down to the local cafe. Their were always, 8-12, ‘Locals’ their. During lunch, I would always tell a, ‘Blond’ joke. (When their was the, (BOTTLE) ‘Blond’ , their), after the joke, she would, punch me in the arm. One week, I did, NOT, tell any, ‘Blond’ jokes. (She was their that week) Next week, Monday, I did not, tell a, ‘Blond’ joke. She came to me and asked, why no more, ‘Blond’ jokes. I told her: “They just take to long to explain” She punched me in the arm !!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 07/05/14 at 19:21:51 Not to be pedantic, but ... (he says, being pedantic) "Their" - adjective, third person plural posessive "There" - adverb, indicating location "They're" - contraction of "they are" :) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, a grizzly bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them." :-? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 07/10/14 at 04:14:07 FOR OLDFELLER- Setting a password. WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/13/14 at 22:19:16 The Nigerian football team were so disappointed at their elimination from the world cup, the captain has decided to reimberse all the Nigerian fans who spent money to go to Brazil and watch the games. To claim your reimbursement, send your bank account details and password to: P.O. Box 118280 Nigeria |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/13/14 at 22:19:32 Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’ Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’ ‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 07/14/14 at 10:49:26 This one with the electric fence is always funny.....just ask his wife! View My Video (http://tinypic.com/r/md305c/8) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by BalingWire on 07/14/14 at 11:18:23 Down in Texas, they were going to build a bridge and name it the Chuck Norris Bridge. He stopped the whole project. Because nobody crosses Chuck Norris. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 07/15/14 at 08:34:57 An old couple went to the doctor for the husband's check-up. The husband was very hard of hearing. The nurse came out and called his name and the husband says (kinda loud as you would expect) "What did she say?" The wife responded saying "the doctor is ready to see you." In the treatment room. the doctor came in and asked him a question and the old man said "What did he say?" The wife responded saying "the doctor asked if you are feeling okay." So the doctor did a few more checks and they encountered few more episodes if the old man not understanding and the wife interpreting. Finally, the doctor said "everything looks good but I need to run some final tests and I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample." The old man yelled "What did he say?" The wife responded to him simply saying "HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR!" ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/15/14 at 23:07:11 I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a thingy... only smaller." So I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 07/15/14 at 23:24:38 525D5651450B330 wrote:
...and that's the last thing I remember. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 07/16/14 at 08:06:31 The oldest trick in the book" http://www.blinkx.com/ce/DaQD-Ngc_ty1_X-WF_YnKQ3QRGFRRC1OZ2NfdHkxX1gtV0ZfWW5LUTNRRGFRRC1OZ2NfdHkxX1g?id=1723557723 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by JonBiddle on 07/16/14 at 18:53:30 Knock Knock Who's there? To To Who? No no... "To whom"! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/17/14 at 07:32:57 Out Deer hunting one day. About a mile out in the woods, shot a nice buck, Moved it about 10 yards, and gutted it out. Just as I was done, a game warden, popped out of the woods, and said: “Let’s see your License and tag”. I felt around in all my pockets, (Probably had 20) As is was cold, and had many layers on. I Said: “I Do have a Valid License and Valid Tag”. He said: “Does Not matter, You have not ’tagged’ it, I am giving you a ticket, now drag it out”. I Said: “You think I, am going to drag it out, when you are going to give me a Ticket, no way, you drag it out”. He did, for about a mile. Then, when we got to my truck, I Said: “Oh, Here is my License and tag”. LOLOL This is a TRUE Story !!! One opening Duck Hunting day, My Cousin and I were in the blind. We shot our limit, and were preparing to leave. Out of the Cattails Pops Two, FEDERAL, (young) Wild life agents, and ask for our Licenses and stamps. We show them, and all is fine. Then I asked, ‘do you want to see our Ducks’. They said: (Very Smart a**’es) “WE Know what you shot, WE Know How many, WE Were watching”. As they walked away, I turned to my Cousin and said: “Glen, I didn’t put a, ‘plug’ in my shotgun this morning, did you?” He said: “No I Forgot also”. (For those who do not know, any shotgun, ‘federal law, Duck Hunting’, must be capable of ONLY 3 shots, so most, Pump or Semi-Autos, which can usually hold 5 shells, need to have a, ‘plug’ to only hold 3) They, "Spun Dirt”, as they turned around, and asked to see our guns. We both held up our guns, and handed them to them. They were both, B-SxS’s. (For again those who do not know, a B-SxS is, a Browning, Side by Side, which is a 2 Barrel Shotgun, CAN, ONLY, hold 2 Shots) They were, NOT, “Happy Campers”. LOLOL |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/17/14 at 07:39:01 Fred, Lived, ‘way back’ in the woods. And was locally known as a, ’substance’, hunter. Which means he, ATE, everything, he shot. regardless of season. (Just what he needed to live). The, ‘old’, local, game warden, just let it be. Cause he Knew, when Fred, shot a deer, he got it, and ate it. Unlike the, ‘City’ folk that would come up, shoot 3, only take one home, because they never bothered to track the other two. One day the, ‘local’ G.W. retired. In his place was a new, upstart, named, Ted. Ted Heard about Fred, and was Determined to, ‘Get Him’. So, one morning, Ted, snuck out to Fred’s Place, and hid in the weeds. Ted, Cold, Shivering, Hungry, hiding in the weeds since 3 AM. smelled coffee brewing, eggs and bacon frying, then, Fred, came out on the porch, and yell’ed: “ Hay Ted, Got ya a hot cup of Coffee, and fresh Bacon & Eggs for ya” Then set that plate & coffee on a table on the porch. Ted, got out of his hidey hole, and ate the breakfast. Several times, different days, and for years. Ted, tried to, ‘catch’, Fred. Never could. EVERY time he tried, Evey thing, and Every way he tried, he had, a hot inviting breakfast waiting for him. One day, Fred went to the, ’nursing home’. Ted Visited, Ted asked Fred: “How did you know I was out their”. Fred said: “I made 2 breakfasts, EVERY day”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/18/14 at 04:20:29 A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/20/14 at 23:15:19 Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 07/21/14 at 12:49:12 Ain't it the truth! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/22/14 at 22:15:53 A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?" He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/22/14 at 22:17:16 Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/22/14 at 22:19:02 Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F$#@ING DISHES!!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/25/14 at 03:30:23 An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........ Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight ... Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by yetimeister on 07/25/14 at 12:34:33 Haha great thread. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/25/14 at 17:39:35 A Politician dies, and goes to helll. When he gets their, he says to the devil. “I’m not going in their, I DEMAND to see St. Peter”. The devil sends him on his way, and soon, he is standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter says: “Well we certainly don’t have many of your sort here, tell you what, why don’t you spend 24 hours in helll, then spend 24 hours in Heaven, then you choose” So back to helll he goes, and when he walks in, WOW, Beautiful Country Club, Beautiful Golf Course, scantily clad, well endowed women all over. A buffet, of every kind of wonderful food, and top of the line wine. He had a wonderful time. And he knew almost Everyone their! His 24 hours were fantastic ! To soon, it was time to spend 24 hours in Heaven. Their he finds, everyone very happy, some are walking their pets, some are mowing the lawn, some are fishing, some are riding S-40 motorcycles, some shooting trap. Everyone is happy and friendly to him. Everyone invited him to join them in their activity. But he didn’t know anybody. As nice as Heaven was, the 24 hours went along rather slowly. Then, he met again with St. Peter, and told him: “Ya know Pete, I Heaven was real nice, but I think helll was a little nicer” St. Peter said: “Then Be-Gone to Helll” POOF. Here he was, walking on a hot asphalt, (as far as the eye could see), and garbage was raining down, he was handed a bag, and told to pick up the garbage. It was hot, miserable work. No water, no breaks, no food. Everyone grumpy, cursing, and wearing tattered rags. Soon along comes the devil, walking with his cape and staff, not a care in the world. the Politician, grabs his cape as he walks by and says: “See here now devil, I was here yesterday, and things were totally different, do you know who I am? I Demand to be treated differently” The devil looked at him, smiled, and said: “Yesterday, we were Campaigning”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 07/25/14 at 17:45:52 Lars & Sven, ended up in helll. (How, that is a different story) Anyway, the devil was making his rounds, and finds Lars & Sven, longing in chairs, by a lake of molten lava, drinking ‘umbrella’ drinks, in their underwear, talking, laughing, having a grand ol time. The devil walks up to them and says: "What in Helll are you Doing”. They said: “Vel, is so nice here, so varm, all kurt lives ve have bees so colt, is is so nive to be so varm” Well the devil thought about it, went back to his office, and turned the heat down. (As he never had done this before, he really did not know how far to turn it down. Turns out, he turned the thermostat down to far, and it started snowing). Then he went to see, Lars & Sven, and, and found them all dressed up in their warm cloths, and Jumping Up and Down with glee. And he asked: “Now What in Helll are You Doing” They said: “The Wikeings von the uperbool” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/26/14 at 00:23:43 Mines batman,whats your's? :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/28/14 at 00:32:05 I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a motorcycle?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man --- "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded ---- "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that…….It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and bikes." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/28/14 at 00:32:23 When God sends you help, don't ask questions She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in the my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you SO much? You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing. "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/28/14 at 00:34:54 Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 07/31/14 at 23:22:56 Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!' The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!' The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.' The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.' 'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!' By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing. The driver shook his head and said 'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.' The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!' 'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by tcreeley on 08/03/14 at 17:02:10 I noticed one day, that there were people around me reading, and I looked closer and saw they were reading the bible. I had to think wow, this is something, then I noticed they were older people -some even squinting and reading the bible...and I wondered, this is strange even, --until I realized they were cramming for finals. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/05/14 at 00:01:44 An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there". Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/05/14 at 10:03:59 http://www.realityzone.com/currentperiod.html Go down,, theres pics, even "Ballroom dancing" for horses, if youre into that sorta thing,, & down at the bottom theres a ton of Maxine stuff,, pretty danged funny.. The top end of the site is about current events, if youre interested, meeehh,, there it is, if not, drop on down,,Theres a pic of a gal layin on a horse thats down, ( well,, shes propped up against it) & another horse has its head in her lap,, pretty nice pic,, If 4 out of 5 Suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other one enjoys it? Yep,, Maxine,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by engineer on 08/05/14 at 10:37:25 If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~ The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII~ We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~ If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers~ Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev~ When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~ Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author unknown~ Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton~ Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer~ I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~ A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan~ I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~ Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson~ There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen. ~Will Rogers~ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/06/14 at 11:35:41 The Farmer's son, worked hard on the farm, enjoyed himself, and truly enjoyed the Country life. Then it was time to go to Collage. He went, his Father paid. Then shortly after graduation, the son was sitting having dinner with Mom & Pop. The son said: "Dad, I am not going into farming with you, I have a job lined up in town, which is 9-5." The Farmer was certainly disappointed. But because he loved his son, and wanted to stand by his sons wishes, he thought about what he said. Then said himself: "OK Son, if that is what you want, but let me ask, what are you going to do all morning before 9, and all day after 5". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/06/14 at 11:38:05 Why did the Chicken cross the road ? To show the Raccoon, it, COULD, be done. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 08/08/14 at 04:30:45 Japanese Ducati: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KooABbX0lQA |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Pine on 08/08/14 at 07:51:47 043F3225343823253E363B24570 wrote:
ah gawd.. I was completely sucked in... too funny |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/10/14 at 21:56:33 Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 08/11/14 at 05:24:08 4F74796E7F73686E757D706F1C0 wrote:
Haha, thats a good one ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/12/14 at 00:21:00 A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 08/21/14 at 03:54:23 Yep...I can fix that! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 08/22/14 at 12:31:38 The redneck in me says that's kinda cool! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/22/14 at 14:06:18 Anebv8, I really liked that one. I put him there to dry!Ha! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 08/22/14 at 14:21:10 How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced? A buccaneer. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 08/22/14 at 14:31:58 This is funny https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igQDvYOt_iA |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/22/14 at 18:45:26 One fellow was talking to another; The first said: "Darn, Blew a Fork Seal today". The second one said: "What, he didn't Bite you?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/23/14 at 02:22:47 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/26/14 at 00:17:53 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/26/14 at 01:08:46 ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 08/26/14 at 16:10:32 5E65687F6E62797F646C617E0D0 wrote:
Dave takin' picts of my bike again.... ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/28/14 at 16:57:18 In response to a post: http://suzukisavage.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1406232058 To, which this video was posted: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l1GvDWtccI It reminds me of a time, a while ago. When we had a, 'CREY' 'Super Computer' here in Mpls. (Of course today, a 2000.00 lap top, can do more than that 200,000.00 one could) Anyway, got to know some of the people working with that. They were very excited, because they believed they found, a, "Immoral Porpoise". They found out, if that certain breed of porpoise, ate a certain type of Gull, was it Immortal. They were Just Ecstatic ! Couple of weeks later, I walked into the local bar. and they they were all their, with heads hung down, and very sad. I Asked" "What is wrong". They said: "We got all got indited by the Feds, for, "Importing Gull's, across State Lines, for Immortal Porpoises". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/01/14 at 00:43:02 ? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 09/01/14 at 13:59:15 Heard my Californian sister-in-law talking to my wife the other day, it went kinda like this.... "Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot." :D :D :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 09/01/14 at 16:18:53 Three men were driving though the Desert. Their Car suddenly Quit. One was a, Fluid, Engineer, he went over, EVERYTHING, and the car didn't start. Then next one was a, Electrical, Engineer, He also, went through, EVERYTHING, and the car would still not start. The third one, was a, Software Engineer, He said: “Let’s close all the windows, and try”. The Car Started !!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 09/03/14 at 15:46:36 Two atoms collided while walking down the street. One atom says "Are you ok?" The other atom says, "No, I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "Yup, I'm positive." ............. A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go hunting. They spy a deer standing motionless a long way off. The physicist calculates the muzzle velocity, distance, and comes up with an angle of elevation, neglecting air resistance. He shoots and his bullet lands five meters short. The engineer takes into account air resistance and adds a little fudge factor. He shoots and the bullet lands five meters long. The statistician looks at the two shots and says, "We got him!" ................. What does the mushroom in the bar say to the one next to him after the stranger has bought him a drink?" "Hey, you're a fun guy." .................. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer is: Fish ................ Q:) What is an "innuendo?" A:) Italian suppository. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 09/03/14 at 18:05:23 Walter loves the Sea....... [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UowkIRSDHfs[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 09/05/14 at 01:03:56 Great find ! ...and... it's apparently an italian clip ! :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 09/07/14 at 15:52:48 Halloween is not to far away.....how about this costume? [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoB8t0B4jx4[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/09/14 at 22:44:17 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stinger on 09/11/14 at 01:15:16 You know what worse than having ants in your pants? ...Your uncles |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/20/14 at 07:37:44 Ants are smart, and cunning, and evil,, They infiltrated my duffel bag, got in my clothes and all of them collected "Right THERE" before any of them attacked.. How long was it before they hit me? OHH,, I Dunno, rented the bikes from base exchange, went and changed into civvies, rode almost all the way across the base and 5 or 6 blocks down Pass Road in Biloxi before they started in on me.. Red ants, man,, musta been 6 or 8 of them,, & when they started in it was an orchestrated attack. & I learned that you CAN make a gist and punch yourself Right in the nutsack and NOT rack yourself.. Just so happened we were in front of a used car lot and it was sand between the road and the parking lot,, I jumped off the bike, letting it fall and jerked my pants down, right there on the busiest road in Biloxi, and started picking ants off my , well,, you know,, Who saw? I dunno, I was only looking DOWN,, if a cop had shown up, mehh,, who knows? ANYA WAY,, heres a coupla funnies from REalityzone A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter. "Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. "How can you tell males and females apart?" she asked. He responded: "Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John, who lived in the North of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken. They loaded up John’s minivan and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered at the door if they could spend the night. “I realize, it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I am recently widowed” she explained “and I am afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and, if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow from the farm he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend, Ken, and asked: “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about nine months ago?” “Yes, I do,” said Ken. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit without me knowing it?” “Well, yes,” said Ken, a little embarrassed at being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?” Ken’s face turned red, and he said: “Yeah. Look, I am sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything!” and there are links to air show stuff and 'running of the bulls' pic. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 09/28/14 at 15:52:19 Have you seen the latest high-speed SLR camera? It has shutter speeds so quick that they can actually capture photo's of women with their mouths shut. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by NEHokiePokie on 09/29/14 at 21:03:56 How any ears does Spock have? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by NEHokiePokie on 09/29/14 at 21:04:44 3, a left, a right, and the final frontier |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by NEHokiePokie on 09/29/14 at 21:05:34 Saw that online, and it gets me to 10, thank ya very much |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/30/14 at 23:53:29 :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 10/01/14 at 04:25:29 0D0B0516090E52600 wrote:
Took me all day to ponder... and I still couldn't get it. Then I laughed my face off in the middle of the night... :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/02/14 at 21:26:08 A Letter from Jimmie Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. Love, Jimmie |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/03/14 at 19:16:52 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/04/14 at 08:45:04 We saw a tiny car and my wife had me laughing so hard I could hardly drive. It was a bright color and we all understand that "We are vulnerable and need to be seen" thing.. We didn't know what it was or who built it. She's a little bit of a YzAss. She figured it was built by Fisher Price. And went on to explain that what it really needs is a wind up key poking out the top,that Slooowly rotates as it goes down the road. I got a mental image of that and was wiping tears.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Tocsik on 10/04/14 at 08:53:03 They actually make those. I've seen 'em on the road: http://www.windupkey.com/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/04/14 at 23:57:05 ? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/08/14 at 16:43:34 http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SZUhO_ely6k/U9KwzyzSmsI/AAAAAAAAAgY/MUW7rMGt9WA/s1600/catcomma.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/08/14 at 16:53:32 434C4740541A220 wrote:
If you are not old enough to know the show,you would not know that Batman and Commissioner Gordon were in regular contact.. The Hotline, (Red telephone) was direct from Commissioner Gordon's desk and Batman, one in the Batcave and one in the mansion and one in the Batmobile, or so I've been told.. coffcoff... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 10/08/14 at 19:39:51 Wind Up 'Key' in a car. OK Got me to thinking, how can I do that in my 07 Chevy HHR. You know, the one that looks like a 1949 Suburban, which was in the rain to long? (HHR = Honky Hot Rod) or so I have been told !!!!! Oh, I STOPPED, telling, 'Blond', jokes, a Long time ago. They just took, TO LONG, to explain. !!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/10/14 at 00:21:27 6A757374696E5F6F5F67757932000 wrote:
If you are not old enough to know the show,you would not know that Batman and Commissioner Gordon were in regular contact.. The Hotline, (Red telephone) was direct from Commissioner Gordon's desk and Batman, one in the Batcave and one in the mansion and one in the Batmobile, or so I've been told.. coffcoff... [/quote] I know the programme well...thru the reruns on tv.. :-[ ;D but I only put the ? because ya have to put a comment in..? is closer to the enter button lol :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 10/13/14 at 13:42:38 Every day, a rabbit, would come by this tree line. ’Eat, move, eat move, eat, move’. Always Moving. Their was also this Crow, that would sit in the tall branches of a tree, and see this. One day, the Crow said to the rabbit: “Mr. Rabbit, why don’t you slow down, enjoy life, take in the sunshine” The Rabbit said: “Mr Crow, I can’t, because if I stop, I will promptly be eaten by a Fox”. Well this continued for several more weeks. Then one day the Rabbit thought; ‘well if I stop for a little bit, and enjoy the sun, what can it hurt’. (The Rabbit was promptly EATEN by a Fox) Moral of the Story: “Only if you are very high up, can you sit around all day, and do nothing”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 10/15/14 at 06:56:28 My uncle Josh worked in a quarry but they had to fire him. They couldn't trust his judgment. He took everything for granite. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/15/14 at 22:53:45 A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did." SHE GOT THE RAISE |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/17/14 at 01:04:51 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/19/14 at 09:55:46 People have been wrongly informed about that event. That woman was NOT just a little bit burned. She spent time in surgery..And she is not the only one who has been hurt.. McDonald's coffee was just too hot for calling it Good Judgment.. http://gwilliamlawfirm.com/stella-liebeck-the-facts-and-myths-surrounding-the-hot-coffee-case/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 10/19/14 at 16:08:44 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/20/14 at 13:16:13 Last night we made chili for dinner. I asked my daughter, "do you want a bowl of chili?" She says, "Ebola chili"? :o I don't think she heard me quite right. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/22/14 at 00:21:01 Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'. "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers "the taxidermists" who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "...Sticks?" Paddy replied. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/22/14 at 00:22:28 When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets at my local Bass Pro Shop, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad. :-[ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 10/23/14 at 08:39:04 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, ... walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d'hotel, after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 10/23/14 at 08:46:39 A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 10/23/14 at 20:33:06 It's good to have friends. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/24/14 at 01:07:20 On my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 10/24/14 at 04:14:58 I heard on the radio once, supposedly true - one of those " - most embarrassing moments"... This guy was supposed to give a speech at a banquet. Just when he gets to the podium he feels a sneeze coming so he whips out a hanky and politely turns away from the crowd. Unfortunately, in sneezing, he tensed his abdominal muscles too much and all the microphone picked up was the sound of his thunderous trouser tuba! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/24/14 at 19:15:33 That was also my most embarrassing moment during a test in the 6th grade! ;D I stole this from BikeBandit. https://www.facebook.com/bikebanditcom/photos/a.10150177181025188.427124.10150121993020188/10154755844195188/?roi=echo3-23112221319-23176626-a628a6e56827d60ef06ed1f9bd464d03&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Friday_102414_BBNews&utm_source=Friday102414&type=1&theater |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/28/14 at 23:13:29 Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make 10 people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make 100 people very happy. Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all 3 of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/28/14 at 23:16:36 I've undertaken a full review of my home security system and decided to cut costs by tearing out my alarm system, monitoring, and even de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch. I've now got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one in each corner and a black flag of ISIL in the centre. The local police and other intelligence services are watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/30/14 at 10:43:38 You didnt hafta do all that.. All you needed was a yellow flag with a coiled snake saying Dont TRead on Me.. Or the one from Gonzales ( IIRC) with a pic of a cannon and Come and take it. on it. Youd have 24 /7 surveillance of all kindsa 3 letter agencies. But,, Your approach is pure genius,, and funny.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 11/05/14 at 05:22:09 Ride Plan. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MMRanch on 11/05/14 at 07:47:42 Yea Dave ! 8-) I like that "Ride Plan" , lets do it again ! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 11/10/14 at 02:24:32 NASA NASA shoots rockets off to the moon, and beyond. http://https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbJ5Z4EYTus9ZDv4HOjckFtYsYTSwYCZokbwG7HJEArhV28rDkaA In order to ferry the rocket to the launch pad, NASA loads it on huge, custom-built railroad cars... which, themselves, are not custom-built but manufactured in a dedicated plant and then "rolled" to Cape Canaveral... which means they must have the standard US Railroad gauge of 4'8.5". :-? That's four feet, enight and one half inches. ::) BUT... ::) Why is the standard US Railroad gauge 8'4.5" ? ::) That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. http://https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR6GCthGrcdIhlq4vRq-ScBpQaV8Je2OR1BCpKk6MWPGLyTQjLj Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. http://https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRP7Wb_HShIjV5EltOTEeWkE27i8oPJGVZ6INFoRsizP5QuyX5U Okay! But why would "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. http://https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQSzD3BjEZHlrE1x1_FpYUG4TcVA_XTAVqhEq9cB3-7vx56Jjtf Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. ::) Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate two Roman horses' asses... :D http://https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTv_B7p3tw5LAYfHTjOw44BrdWHW4JFEbO30q_aHSAdDsyVcuqc ;D ;D ;D ... And now, your daily debunk... http://www.discoverlivesteam.com/magazine/34/34.html ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/15/14 at 11:48:22 Just down the road, their is a Junk Yard. (‘er, Auto Reclamation Center). I know the owners well, so they just let me walk in their warehouse, or the yard, and look for something. One day in the warehouse, I was looking over the parts, and in comes a young man, (worked their), with a lady. She had on a pair of, ‘short’, shorts, and a tube top, and a ring in her navel clearly visible. As she was looking over the parts, she turned, and saw the young man staring at the ring in her navel. She said: “That’s for hanging a, “Air Freshener”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 11/18/14 at 22:53:24 I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed and said "Welcome to the Labour Party!" "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $25 to use toward food." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $25?" I smiled and said "Welcome to the National Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 11/18/14 at 22:54:18 A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest! The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" . . . . . . . . Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 11/18/14 at 22:55:31 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by savskad on 11/19/14 at 07:50:47 So there's a bartender who has the most serious horse around. One day a man walks into his bar and goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, I bet'cha $250 I can make your horse laugh!" The bar goes deftly silent, no one had ever been able to make the horse show any sort of emotion before. The bartender says, "Alright, you're on." The man walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse begins to laugh hysterically. Everyone was amazed! He walks back to the bartender and says "How about double or nothing, I can make it cry now?" Bartender responds, "Ok, I'm surprised you made it laugh, but there's no way you could make it cry all of a sudden." Man replies, "I'll need to step outside with him for this one." He takes the horse outside for a minute or two, when he opens the door and steps back in, the horse is crying like a little baby. Bartender gives the man $500 and asks, "Alright...you got your money. Tell us, how did you do it?" Man simply replies, "Well, first time, I told him my wang was bigger than his. Second time, I showed it to him." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by savskad on 11/19/14 at 12:32:57 A guy walks into a restroom and see a man standing at a urinal with no arms. Goes up to him and says, "Hey buddy you need some help there?" The man replies, in a sort of sad tone, "Yeah...I'd appreciate that..." After the man had finished up, the guy asked him, "Hey man, I was wondering, what was that black stuff you had on your thing?" Man responds, . . . . . . . "Well, I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touchin' it!!" And pulled his arms out of his shirt. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by savskad on 11/19/14 at 13:25:52 Three construction workers are having lunch on top of a high-rise being built. A chinese guy, a mexican guy, and a polish guy. When they were eating the Chinese guy remarks, "Dang it! Dumplings again! If I get dumplings for lunch ONE MORE TIME I'm jumping off this building!!" The mexican guy opens his lunch and complains, "TACOS! If I get tacos for lunch ONE MORE TIME I am going to jump off this building with you!" Next the polish guy opens his lunch and sure enough, "Ham sandwiches again?! If I have ham sandwiches ONE MORE TIME I'm jumping with the two of you!" Next day, each opened their lunches, to no surprise...Chinese guy had dumplings, he ran and jumped off the building to his death. The mexican guy had tacos, so he runs and jumps off the building too. Polish guy, as well, had ham sandwiches, follows the two other gentleman and jumps too. A few days later their wives were together at the funeral and were talking to eachother: Chinese guy's wife, "I feel so bad! If I had known Lin didn't like dumplings I would have made him something else." Mexican guy's wife, "I know! If Juan had just said something, I would have sent him something other than tacos." Polish guy's wife, "I don't get it!!! Harold has been making his own lunch for 5 years now!!!" ;D Heard it from a family member, we're mainly norwegian, so just telling the joke as I heard it. Just all in good fun, not trying to be offensive. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Jeff71 on 11/20/14 at 11:22:54 Somebody is going to buy this and have a REALLY bad day! http://i.imgur.com/p7TNKuK.png Jeff |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/20/14 at 17:05:32 A man goes on a bender. The next morning he sees a red and a brown ring on his unit. He goes to the doctor, doctor takes some swabs. When the doctor comes back, he says: "Well the red ring is lipstick, the brown ring is snuff". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 11/26/14 at 22:01:49 A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'" "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'" "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/28/14 at 15:16:59 A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt .45 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that will give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learning' something' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all..' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arss, and it won't hurt as much.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 11/30/14 at 12:50:28 Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office. However, she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down. It'll be over by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't have time to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!" My wife, Julie, had been after me for weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out of the house. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. She tried to stand up. But, realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment. "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/30/14 at 22:23:44 Health Tips from 101 year-old: Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps. Reporter: When do you drink water? Hattie: I've never been that sick. The mounted and framed thing,, WOW!,, Good one Teach. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 12/02/14 at 06:56:35 Well I bought it! Sending it to a friend as a "gag" gift! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 12/03/14 at 12:30:36 A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he saw that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren --- the trooper cranked down his window --- turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Jeff71 on 12/03/14 at 15:07:07 Dave, bacon is nothing to joke about! :) Jeff |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 12/04/14 at 17:01:44 (As inspired by another post) You Do Know, why wedding gowns are White ? They, match, the Kitchen appliances !!!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 12/08/14 at 05:09:05 Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Very drunk while walking home, they needed to pee. They stopped at the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe her privates. So, she took off her panties and used them. Her friend wore a rather expensive pair of panties. She did not want to use them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it. She proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they went home. The next day, one husband worried that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over. He phoned the other husband. "These girl nights have to stop! I am suspecting the worst. "My wife came home with no panties!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..." "From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 12/09/14 at 07:47:36 For me Bacon is a serious affair...LOL A friend sent me this via Face Book.... http://i1047.photobucket.com/albums/b471/Orphistle/kevinbaconjoke.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Jeff71 on 12/09/14 at 11:52:27 Q: How did the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass? A: Satisfying. :o ;D Jeff |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/12/14 at 19:59:02 :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 12/16/14 at 10:29:31 Peppermint I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days… all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/16/14 at 19:03:22 THAT was a good,long,,laugh.. peppermint indeed.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/16/14 at 22:58:23 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by ToesNose on 12/17/14 at 05:20:04 Thanks anebv8! Printed and put on the Wifey's desk ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/25/14 at 17:18:13 http://www.formation-massage-stage.fr//outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/25/14 at 17:25:32 ;D ;D ;D ;D 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/25/14 at 17:29:23 :-X |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/25/14 at 18:01:59 priceless ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/26/14 at 23:45:54 Paraprosdokians (look it up!) 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and say that whatever you hit was the target. 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/27/14 at 17:45:00 Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 12/28/14 at 07:08:17 An elderly couple finally learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more no-nonsense. One afternoon the wife went to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message. "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise." Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols". A young Catholic priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way, two nuns look at him. He exclaims, "Good morning sisters". They reply in a singsong manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite. However, he goes about his business. Later, he encounters Brother Philip along the way. "Good morning Brother Philip." The Brother replies in a singsong voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this. Nevertheless, he moves on. He gets a little further down the road and he comes across a fellow priest Joseph. He says, "Good morning Father Joseph." The priest replies in a singsong manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ?" The young priest was not going to take any more, even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, "No! I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The Bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your Holiness, what is it that you wanted?" The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to ask you was why you are wearing Sister Ann's shoes?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 12/31/14 at 10:33:22 Why is it that any Internal Combustion Engine, and the ‘device’, it operates, is always referred to as: “Her”. Well, ever heard of a: ‘Machene’. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 12/31/14 at 23:12:21 1.. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2.. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3.. No one is listening until you fart. 4.. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5.. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6.. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7.. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/31/14 at 23:37:20 Anne, number 17 is often incorrect. It's often exactly how a man learns that number 16 IS correct. It's perfectly okay to Give someone a laxative and a sleeping pill, especially if they ate beans. Then send them home. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 01/01/15 at 04:38:01 21. If you only have one piece of toilet paper, blow your nose BEFORE you wipe your a$$. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/02/15 at 14:52:56 A, (insert preferred hair color here), lady. Took her new car back to the Dealer. She said: "This car is defective, the gas filler thingy is on the wrong side". Dealer said: "Are you sure, you are diving in on the, 'right', side'" (as in: http://suzukisavage.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1420065741 ) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 01/06/15 at 07:40:05 An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair --- since you are blind --- that you should know five details." "1. The bartender is a blonde girl, with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman, with a ‘Billy-Club.' 3. I am a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The person to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I need to explain it five times." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/06/15 at 16:58:37 LOLOLO ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Exactly why I stopped telling, 'blond' jokes a while ago. Just to TO Long to 'spain, them ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/06/15 at 17:07:13 Why, ‘men’, don’t do, ‘Dear Abby’, stuff. A letter was written, from a wife. She lamented, her car broke down, and she walked home 1/2 a mile, to find her husband in bed with the next door lady. (Yada,Yada,Yada, she went on about the infudality) The answer, (from a man) was: “Did you check the Carb, was the battery good, did a belt break, was the alternator putting out enough power, etc, etc, etc, ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/06/15 at 22:26:41 082B1635372C2B22450 wrote:
check previous page ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/07/15 at 04:03:22 Dear Dr. Ruth: |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 01/08/15 at 05:13:34 (Please note, this joke is not theologically correct) So, 3 preachers and their wives are at the Pearly Gates. The first goes up to St Peter to see if he can go in, explains he was a preacher, etc.,etc. Peter looks at his record book... "Well, you may have been a preacher, but all you were really thinking about all the time was booze! .... You stole the communion wine! .... You even married a woman named 'BRANDY' ! Sorry, no admittance. " As the first preacher walks away crying, the second preacher approaches to make his case. St Peter looks at the records... "Hmm, seems like all YOU really cared about was money!.... You stole from the offering plate! ... ... All you thought about was money! ... You even married a woman named 'PENNY'! ". Overhearing all this, the third preacher turns to his wife, "C'mon Fannie, there's no way I'm getting in here!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/09/15 at 00:56:24 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/09/15 at 00:57:59 I've probably posted before,but just too darn awesome not to repost ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/09/15 at 15:32:16 The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/12/15 at 11:59:48 As you know, some Ammo has been hard to get. Recently I scored a bunch. Had it sitting on the seat of my car. Needed gas, stopped at a station. On the other side of the pump, was a very attractive lady. She saw the ammo, and said: "I am into, barter, would you like to trade some ammo for sex". I thought about for a bit, than said: "What kind of Ammo do you have". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/14/15 at 22:00:32 Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/16/15 at 01:05:00 A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?” She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn't,” he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. “Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.” With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, So I’m still a hole behind you!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 01/16/15 at 06:55:51 This guy had been having real bad migraine headaches and after many doctors and such, he could not find any resolve. He finally went to a well known doctor in town that tried more 'holistic' remedies. On his visit, they discussed all of the things the patient had tried. Finally, the doctor opened up and shared with the patient that he also had suffered from random migraines in years past and when he got a migraine, he would go home and have really wild sex with his wife and it would miraculously clear up his migraines seemingly for weeks at a time. So the patient, at the end of his rope, took the advice and said he would at least give it a try. A couple of months later the patient came in for a follow-up and the doctor asked how he was. The patient replied that he tried the suggested remedy several times and each time it miraculously cured his migraines for weeks at a time. On his way out, he shook the doctor's hand and thanked him for the suggestion, and looked over at the doctor and said "by the way, Doc, you have a very nice house." ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/16/15 at 09:30:08 Quote:
That's why I am convinced a City Engineer designed a woman. Put the Dump right next to the Playground. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/16/15 at 09:38:18 43605D7E7C6760690E0 wrote:
Hey.....I am a City Engineer! You think the Recreational Area is too close to the Sewage Facility? Let me do a bit of research on this............and I'll get back to you ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 01/16/15 at 12:48:27 Depends on who you ask. For some they are all playgrounds. :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/16/15 at 12:55:27 remember your waders ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 01/16/15 at 13:01:11 6B786F6E717C7A78732C1D0 wrote:
Wader? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/16/15 at 13:16:10 544750514E4345474C13220 wrote:
That's it! I am cancelling my research! :-[ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/16/15 at 13:29:54 3B3C2D3F252124243B480 wrote:
Wader?[/quote] For some... one is not enough. 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/16/15 at 15:27:24 The above few posts remind me of a, ”TRUE” event! A few years ago I was in Huntsville TX. At a Field Trial. It was Raining out. I Forgot, my rubbers, (or Goulashes as others would say) That evening I went into a mart-mart, to the shoe department, and asked: “Where are your Tingley Rubbers”. The young lady their, blushed, and said: “Sir, I think you are looking for the Pharmacy Department”. Took me a couple of seconds, then asked, ‘where are your, Goulashes’. Apparently that store was unfamiliar with: “ Tingley Rubber Products ‘. ;D http://www.tingleyrubber.com/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/16/15 at 15:47:01 64477A595B40474E290 wrote:
Did she send you over to the pasta aisle? ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/16/15 at 17:20:58 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D A-yep, Ya Know, dat could be, right. But she did, lead me to the, Rubber Water proof, over boot selection. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/17/15 at 04:25:01 4F5C4B4A55585E5C5708390 wrote:
And you can no longer refer to those little rubber sandals as "thongs". Never, ever say: "Yesterday I borrowed my wife's thongs for a walk out to the mailbox"! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 01/17/15 at 10:13:36 43787562737F646279717C63100 wrote:
When I was a moderator at dslreports, I told people that they do not want me to remove my thong: http://www.andruschak.net/mike/HammerThong.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by jcstokes on 01/17/15 at 10:28:51 Believe it or not, rubber sandals are actually called Jandals. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 01/18/15 at 07:45:59 586964696C6166080 wrote:
When I was a moderator at dslreports, I told people that they do not want me to remove my thong: http://www.andruschak.net/mike/HammerThong.jpg [/quote] I never, evr in my life thought I'd say this to another guy, but I like your thong ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/18/15 at 15:57:07 Quote:
OMG. Now, HOW, do I get that, 'image', out of my head !!!!! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/18/15 at 17:37:23 Recent posts have been so far from funny I'm debating on whether or not to open this again.. the one about the playground and dump I'd erase. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/18/15 at 20:10:56 Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorbike. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit riding. Maybe you should sell your bike". Jim gets a horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, What's wrong?" Jim says, "For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife" "EX WIFE!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't!", he replies. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by savskad on 01/21/15 at 06:23:31 3E313A3D29675F0 wrote:
------------------------------------------------------------ That's GOLDEN!!! I love it. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 01/21/15 at 22:12:26 A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer! The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg...He's dead. Show me what you bought.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/22/15 at 11:46:08 Well, that's just Awful!! And funnee, ohh, I'm awful.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/23/15 at 21:24:53 An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 01/30/15 at 12:06:23 I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it). I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/30/15 at 12:22:16 7D4E5B4B404878464343464A2F0 wrote:
dang... what a good comeback... all I could think of was a cheery wave. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 01/30/15 at 14:01:32 Oh dear, those are some good jokes. Thanks guys :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Skiprrdog on 01/31/15 at 05:44:51 A man and wife find themselves in divorce court. The judge says to the wife, "Madam, why is it you want to get a divorce?" To this the wife replies, "your honor, in five years of marriage he never said one word to me!". The judge turns to the husband and says, "sir is this true? In five years of marriage you never talked to your wife?" The husband replies, "well, I wanted to your honor, but I did not want to interrupt her!". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Skiprrdog on 01/31/15 at 06:09:45 424D4641551B230 wrote:
Do you know why Northern Baptists don't have sex standing up? Because it might lead to dancing... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 02/01/15 at 05:12:13 AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 02/01/15 at 08:32:46 043722323931013F3A3A3F33560 wrote:
;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 02/01/15 at 09:14:08 52414744565151330 wrote:
;D ;D ;D[/quote] I actually use a steel slinky as a shortwave antenna. I have it strung from one corner of my bedroom ceiling to another and alligator clipped to a FRG 7 shortwave receiver. I like to listen to The Power Hour (Joyce Riley) http://www.thepowerhour.com/ SHORTWAVE FREQUENCIES: 7.490 and 13.845 The Power Hour is available on shortwave worldwide broadcast on WWCR All times Central Time Zone North America. 7:00 a.m. The Power Hour WWCR 7.490 MHz and 13.845 (CST) 8:00 a.m. The Power Hour WWCR 7.490 MHz and 13.845 (CST) 9:00 a.m. The Power Hour WWCR 7.490 MHz and 13.845 (CST) http://www.universal-radio.com/catalog/commrxvr/frg7cs.jpg http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/1u2mA1uN14U/maxresdefault.jpg http://www.nonstopsystems.com/radio/img-ant/radio-slink-ant8.JPG .......mine is steel not brass as shown in this example. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 02/01/15 at 19:26:40 . IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. Brilliant,, I will use this every chance I get. Rat,, that is a Nice receiver.. I have a Hallicrafters and a serious antenna, about 100 feet of 16 gauge, probably 25 feet up a tree and over to the shop, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Jeff71 on 02/03/15 at 12:33:16 Fun bike commercials... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds9PCfVqBMY |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 02/10/15 at 12:50:36 A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!) A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 02/10/15 at 22:02:56 True story,, 7th grade,Texas history teacher loved having us do maps. My artistic abilities meant a C on my best map. He decided we should do a map and put a star where every college is and just the first letter of the name , like TCU for Texas Christian University... I raised my hand and asked him what was gonna happen when we get to Sam Houston Institute of Technology.. He decided not to have us do it. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by FLDoug on 02/12/15 at 16:19:47 Q: What do eskimos get from sitting on icebergs? A: Polaroids Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psychopath |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 02/12/15 at 23:20:56 Do squirrels follow psychopathic s? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/13/15 at 11:25:20 An older gentleman, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The gentleman replied, "That would be my wife." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by pgambr on 02/13/15 at 17:16:22 "Luck be in the air tonight" ?? [smiley=shocked.gif] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 02/13/15 at 17:32:22 Haha! That took me a second! I heard Vanna years ago in an interview say that the answer was "Gone with the Wind". The contestant guessed "Done with one Hand". ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 02/13/15 at 17:47:47 “Little Jonny”, in 2nd grade. His teacher asked: ‘ Start a sentence with ‘A’. Jonny raises his hand, and was waving it about. The teacher called on EVERYONE ELSE, Jonny kept his hand up. Finally, no one else, had a hand up, and she ‘had’ to call his name. He said: “ A Jackass, and a Politician meet, and the Jackass says, ‘what part of the family are you from’ “. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 02/13/15 at 19:07:22 7B6C6A6669790B0 wrote:
What's the name of the thread? Unfortunate moments in the history of Wheel of Fortune? That's just Awful! And funny,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 02/14/15 at 07:05:06 This is a "funny, but true". So, my boss is planning to go to Yellowstone this year. I remembered reading years ago that Yellowstone is actually a huge, active volcano which, geologically speaking, is overdue for an eruption. Boss and I were discussing this, went to Park Service website for Yellowstone. One of the FAQ's was: "What is the park doing to prevent an eruption?" ;D ;D ;D ( Somebody think of a "here's yer sign" response please!) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 02/14/15 at 07:30:55 54435D53535F49300 wrote:
"We feed the squirrels popsicles"... :-?... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 02/14/15 at 11:12:52 "What is the park doing to prevent an eruption?" Demonstrating the mentality of some people. SURELY someone is Doing SOMETHING to keep the volcano from erupting. Oh, there is more, I mean, other nations, but, who would expect people in other places to keep Their volcanoes from erupting? Aaaarrghh.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 02/15/15 at 11:28:53 283F212F2F23354C0 wrote:
Feeding it mentally challenged persons (you just volunteered) ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/15/15 at 20:50:33 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 02/15/15 at 20:55:58 The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy semen flying through the air. “Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, ”You can’t do that-you’ll destroy the reputation of the church!” “This is my lottery win,” said the photographer. ” I’ll be financially secure for life with these photo’s!” So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 million. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?” Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “$2 million.” “Two Million Dollars!” replied the housekeeper. “They must of seen you coming!” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 02/24/15 at 11:06:28 I was so cold, I had to use, 'Starting Fluid', in the outhouse. It was so hot, I saw a log chain, crawl into the shade. It was so wet, I saw a squirrel, floating by on his nuts. ''He is, tighter, than a bulls azz in fly time". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 02/24/15 at 13:45:29 I always thought that: He was as tight as a Fleas ass stretched over a rain barrel was funny :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 02/24/15 at 14:54:32 ouch! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 02/25/15 at 01:38:40 I know... what sadistic bastard thought of that.... :) One of the greats I suppose.... because I couldn't think of that... I mean a gnat? his ass? stretched over a rain barrel?..... please!!! don't make me think of that!! :o Opps, a flea too... I think I might have misquoted.... I mean, either or..... ouch..... err... screaming agony!! GADZUKES!! :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 02/25/15 at 12:03:09 My old boss used to say "tight as a fishes tit". If he was thirsty, "dry as a limeburners boot". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 02/27/15 at 09:55:56 Something like 35 - 40% of all women are on medication for mental problems. This means the other 60 - 65% of them are running around out there untreated. :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 02/27/15 at 12:00:53 Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym. (continued from last week) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? For a cool coupla pictures and stuff to think about http://www.realityzone.com/currentperiod.html |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 02/28/15 at 14:49:37 Why do we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway? :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 02/28/15 at 16:36:05 We all know a 'group' of something, is another word. Like: Fish - School, Birds - Flock, etc. It is hilarious, that a, 'group', of Baboons is called a, 'Congress" ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RatdogWillie on 02/28/15 at 17:06:01 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay..' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by thumperclone on 02/28/15 at 22:16:03 Viagra don't work when I tried it, it got stuck in my throat and I hand a stiff neck for four hours |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by savskad on 03/16/15 at 14:16:48 A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'" Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life." The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate." Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by savskad on 03/16/15 at 14:19:25 A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!" _____________________________________________________________ Helisoft A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 03/16/15 at 18:46:43 I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of humor but this is really stretching it a little. Must've been a slow news day to write an article about this. Funny? Meh, you decide... http://www.barstoolsports.com/iowa/australian-tv-personality-wore-a-jac |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 03/17/15 at 11:12:45 Three guys were driving across the desert. Suddenly, the car just stopped. One said: “I am a Fluid Engineer, I’ll get it running again”. He checked EVERYTHING over, and the car would not start. The next said: “I am a Electrical Engineer, I’ll get it running again” He checked EVERYTHING over, and the car would not start. The third said: “Well I am a software engineer, lets close all the windows” And The Car Started. OBTW, it was so windy here yesterday, ya couldn’t even haul rocks. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/17/15 at 15:56:17 A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she was not too bad at all. He found himself thinking she probably had a hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double"? "What's that?" the guy asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome." she said. As the guy's mind began to embrace the idea. He wondered what her daughter might look like. He said, "No, I haven't." They drank a bit more. She said with a wink, "tonight's your lucky night." They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and walked into the front door. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs. "Mom… you still awake?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/17/15 at 15:58:17 Two policemen call the station: "Hello. Is this the Sargent?" "Yes. "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean." "Have you arrested the woman?" "No sir. "Why not?" "The floor is still wet." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 03/17/15 at 21:43:21 The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth.' Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs." "Who said that? -- [ch8203] I w[ch8203]ant to know right now!? she angrily demanded. Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?" Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!" Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little nuts! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!" Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted. As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh nuts, we're screwed!" Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 03/17/15 at 21:45:20 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 03/17/15 at 21:46:50 Here is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295. GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 03/19/15 at 17:30:31 Speaking of brooms- while pacing the rented moving truck for our move here I packed the broom first.(our broom was hand made by a craftsman and looks like a witches broom). Every time I came into the new house with stuff my wife would ask "where is the broom?" I kept explaining where it was and she kept asking. When I finally got to it I gave it to her and said "Here's your effing broom- go for a ride!" I hate moving. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 03/25/15 at 09:42:51 Have you hear the one, about the Irishman walking out of the Bar ? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 03/25/15 at 10:22:53 44675A797B60676E090 wrote:
musta been an english bar. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by thumperclone on 03/25/15 at 22:21:46 what should you do when you're riding a horse an you see a giraffe and a lion coming up behind you :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 03/26/15 at 07:37:32 Wait until the ride stops and get off the carousel. (merry go round) ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 04/02/15 at 21:00:49 A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig!:) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by projectfj on 04/03/15 at 00:07:03 The pig fact made me think of this Jim Carrey stand up from a while back: https://youtu.be/KQHsVPD5Ans . The part I'm referring to is about 5:40 to 7:30. Props to the pig though. I heard somewhere that after a bee (not sure which kind) is romantically involved, it's jewels explode. Compared to some species, we got it made. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 04/08/15 at 05:27:37 Please don't cut the grass. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/19/15 at 09:11:48 I dunno if it goes here or maybe in the computer thread.. or maybe its own thread, for stupid.. hey, maybe it would fit in the one Row posted of that gal having a seizure,,, Anyway, here's one more idiotic moment in the lives of Americans. First, a disclaimer: Alcohol was involved. Two men got into a heated debate over which was better, the Apple operating system in iPhones or the Android OS found in a dozen other phones, like Samsung and LG. But this was no ordinary debate, with one man categorically laying out the strengths of his favorite OS and the other countering with thoughtful, well-stated refutations. No. One man smashed a bottle over the back of the other man’s head. Then, they both stabbed each other. Police in Tulsa, OK, say a passerby found a man covered in blood, stumbling around the parking lot of the apartment building around 1 a.m. Both men were taken to the hospital, where they remian. No word on their conditions. So far, no charges have been filed. But what if only one man is charged: Will that make the OTHER operating system clearly superior? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 04/19/15 at 15:58:20 Not that funny [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/a96699_a459_motorcycle-faucet.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/a96699_a459_motorcycle-faucet.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/19/15 at 20:00:37 That's embarrassing,, where did you find that? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 04/20/15 at 08:11:39 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/22/15 at 00:31:01 Very helpful. I just can't thank you enough. Why, with the information you gave, I can just go right to it. Gee, thanks... Maybe I should have typed a more complete request,, or maybe I shouldnt havecexpected a normal humaj being to grasp the point of the question. Which. BTW is inefficient in finding it.. Yeah, im calling you a moron |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by prechermike on 04/22/15 at 02:53:11 Hey JOG, maybe this was the answer you were looking for. http://www.thisoldhouse.com/toh/photos/0,,20162346_20373051,00.html |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/22/15 at 08:34:10 Yeah, four hunnert dolllars for stupid... I love it. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 04/22/15 at 15:20:09 Hey JOG ,you don't have to get so hot under the collar.I thought you were a friend.I didn't realize you were that interested in it.The only thing on facebook was the picture.That hurt. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/22/15 at 16:47:36 Yeah, sorry about my bad attitude of late. I could explain, but can't justify. In short, my life is sucking and I am pissed at my family.p |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 04/22/15 at 17:39:24 No problem, I actually was thinking there was something else bothering you..You're usually very helpful.Take care. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 04/29/15 at 08:35:41 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/227974_10151034383256205_898803484_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/227974_10151034383256205_898803484_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 04/29/15 at 08:41:34 a dog in crack is a terrible thing to waste. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 04/30/15 at 17:24:13 Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore? It's a riot! How many rioters does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly, rioters can't change anything. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 04/30/15 at 18:05:51 Quote:
LOLOLOLOLOLOL ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 04/30/15 at 19:35:56 What hurt the worst was they compared it to the riots of Martin Luther King. This guy was using up a forest of trees with the paperwork they filled on all his charges in his past. Plus he was involved in an auto accident a week before.... was on some kind of drug and kept jerking around trying to get loose. More than likely he damaged himself. Oh, a joke.... um, How do you keep a Savage rider in suspense? ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... ....... haha....... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/01/15 at 08:38:58 Rider, are you saying that there is Evidence that would clear the cops of wrongdoing? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 05/01/15 at 08:41:47 A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out... "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Suzuki S40 ...YOU RIDE IT!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/01/15 at 11:02:06 w to wash a cat. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely yours, The Dog |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 05/01/15 at 12:05:12 392620273A3D0C3C0C34262A61530 wrote:
You hope, most likely he will buzzsaw anyone within sight including pictures on anyone. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 05/01/15 at 12:36:22 7C6F7879666B6D6F643B0A0 wrote:
You hope, most likely he will buzzsaw anyone within sight including pictures on anyone.[/quote] AND the dog, who seems to have recomended this actually my dog gets along quite well with cats, but heck, it was a joke |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/01/15 at 15:40:39 I don't hate cats, but I never wanted one and don't like seeing anything hurt. Well, you Know that is not exactly true, but I will step so as to not mash a bug, unless it's a roach or a known Bad Guy... But I do have a mental image of the escape from the madness of the swirling water, and it's funny, okay? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 05/02/15 at 08:40:16 485751564B4C7D4D7D45575B10220 wrote:
A normal washing machine works just fine, and you can use either Tide or Woolite depending cat: http://www.andruschak.net/image/Tide-or-Woolite.jpg After the spin cycle the cat is too dizzy to run, so you can simple wring it out and lay it out to dry: http://www.andruschak.net/image/Wrung_out_cat.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 05/02/15 at 09:36:37 That's hilarious! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/02/15 at 19:04:39 I didn't know cats weren't colorfast. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 05/03/15 at 09:59:41 ;D ;D ;D Actually I had a cat that used to join me in the bathtub, weird ol cat, don't you know you're supposed to hate getting wet? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 05/07/15 at 17:03:35 Grama is downstairs, when her teenage Granddaughter comes down, to go out on a date. (She has a sheer blouse on, with no bra) Grama has a fit, and tells her not to go out like that. The Granddaughter says: “Lighten up Grama, everybody is doing it, it’s, modern times, gotta show the RoseBuds” Then rushes out the door. Next day, the Granddaughter comes down stairs, and here sits Grama, ’Topless’. ‘OMG”, says the Granddaughter, “Put a top on, I am so embarrassed. I have friends coming over, they can’t see you like that”. Grama says; ‘ Lighten up sweetie, you have to show your, ‘Rose Buds’, I got to show, my, ‘Hanging Baskets”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 05/14/15 at 18:33:33 Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/14/15 at 18:49:58 Ohhh! That's good.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 05/14/15 at 21:04:28 ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 05/19/15 at 17:44:31 Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering”, said Snow White. She comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?" “ First Place”, said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman . After he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" " First Place”, answers Superman. They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio says: “I got this”. He returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. Pinocchio said: "Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 05/22/15 at 09:17:16 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/580637_10201985146023800_193904080_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/580637_10201985146023800_193904080_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/22/15 at 18:59:00 An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500. If not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought he would make some money. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired. Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in his mouth." Dr. Young: --- "Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young is annoyed and returns in a few days figuring to recover his money. --- "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: --- "Oh no you don't. That's gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. --- "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see. Dr. Geezer: --- "Well, I don't have any medicine for that ,so here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: --- "But this is only $500." Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean you can outsmart an old "Geezer!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 05/22/15 at 19:35:33 Ain't it the truth! ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 05/23/15 at 17:50:12 Hillary, took a trip, to the, ‘Great Buda’, to seek enlightenment, and knowledge, for her up coming election. She asked: ‘What can I do, to make people happy” The Great Buda, thought and thought, then said: “You have the power, to make Billions of people Happy” She said: “How do I do this”. He said: “Don’t Run” ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 05/29/15 at 16:04:56 Q: Why isn't North Korea a democracy? .................................................................................................................................................................................. A: Every time someone tries to pronounce "election", everybody starts to giggle! :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 05/29/15 at 17:39:29 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/832e5389-5426-417a-8411-7e4ab0121464.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/832e5389-5426-417a-8411-7e4ab0121464.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by DaveLKN on 05/29/15 at 21:11:37 http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/a96699_a459_motorcycle-faucet.jpg A Raptor petcock will fix this..... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by runwyrlph on 06/09/15 at 16:53:59 A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“ The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 06/09/15 at 18:23:27 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'' A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 06/09/15 at 18:25:23 Two brothers are talking as they get ready for bed. One says: "I'm tired of being a kid. I want to be grown up; they have more fun. I think I'll start tomorrow by swearing. Next morning, mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and he replies: "Oh what the hell; I think I'll have Cheerios." The mother jerks him up by the ear and takes him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out with soap. Presently, very irritated, she comes back to the table and asks the second brother: "and what do YOU want for breakfast?" And he says: "I don't know, but I darn sure don't want Cheerios." My dad (RIP) loved that joke |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/09/15 at 18:32:12 I like that.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 06/09/15 at 18:58:15 One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 06/09/15 at 20:10:32 ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/10/15 at 18:11:14 My wife was a good housekeeper. She kept the house. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by cmshepard on 06/10/15 at 18:27:12 Good housekeeper... mine taught housekeeping. We had 5 for investment.. All paid off ... she only kept 4 of them . Taught me a lesson about women and fairplay. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 06/10/15 at 18:45:54 I bought a used time machine next Tuesday. Things sure ain't built like they're gonna be anymore. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/10/15 at 21:13:54 6E574C561514250 wrote:
Maybe I'll understand that better tomorrow. Daggum clever. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/12/15 at 09:20:24 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/mime-attachment.gif.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/mime-attachment.gif[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/12/15 at 15:32:52 thats great.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 06/12/15 at 16:27:38 Why are women like dog turds? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/15/15 at 08:30:12 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/11406976_10206851480070733_3918645474226758188_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/11406976_10206851480070733_3918645474226758188_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/16/15 at 07:34:30 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/1959939_598048250300112_3152879409754298350_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/1959939_598048250300112_3152879409754298350_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by HovisPresley on 06/16/15 at 07:36:12 ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/16/15 at 11:51:49 :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 06/16/15 at 13:30:16 Bet he was "Grateful" to hear that song..... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by HovisPresley on 06/16/15 at 14:11:22 0E0D051308050413610 wrote:
............................................................. that notion just crossed my mind :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/16/15 at 17:51:05 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/11114733_10153824842843626_950011733314202231_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/11114733_10153824842843626_950011733314202231_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 06/17/15 at 19:13:10 I have received a, ‘ invitation', to being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. They were thinking to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until they discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. Then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. They were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. They finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. I think they have raised $0.16 so far ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 06/18/15 at 16:39:34 I found your new Yoga Instructor........ Your Welcome! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvy_uJxJ_-g [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvy_uJxJ_-g[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 06/19/15 at 09:36:40 ?? :-/ :-? :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 06/19/15 at 18:52:24 One day I Stopped at the gas station. A Neighbor was there. I Said: “Hi, where ya going”. She said: " To the ‘Work Out Center”. I said: ‘How much ya gotta pay for that” She said: ”Only 34.95 a month”. I said: “Well come on over to my place, I’ll pay you 10.00 an hour, to split wood, a great work out, and if you do a week, it would put, about $400.00 IN YOUR POCKET”. She said: “That is too much work”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 06/19/15 at 19:06:49 Many years ago, when I was a young lad. I Wanted, ‘Muscles’. When I walked home from school every day, I Passed the house of a, ‘wise old man’. One day I stopped in, and asked him: “Sir, how can I get Muscles?” He thought, and thought, scratched his long white beard, and said: “Well, I gotta think about that, and I think the best when I am napping, and I nap the best, when I hear the sound of wood, being sawed” SO. Every day, that next week, after school on the walk home, I stopped at his place, and, sawed his firewood, with a buck saw for a couple of hours. At the end of the week, I asked: “Sir, have you thought about a way I can get Muscles“ He said: “Feel your arms” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/28/15 at 08:21:37 funny video R rated https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nphAF_ucvHM |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 06/29/15 at 09:56:10 Funny but true story from work yesterday I'm filling the juices, and I have my six wheeler parked near a 'mid isle' table while I carry product to the refrigerated case (my store has no pass through in the dairy dept, you have to work around the customers) A woman, apparently wanting to be out of the way of other customers, parks her shopping cart right next to my six wheeler, as in the way as she possibly could be, to mess with her phone, so I now have to go around her and to the other side of the six wheeler to grab product (there was a clear place where she would have been in nobody's way three feet away) She stands there, directly in my way, as I one by one carry 6 35lb crates around her to load product on the shelf, then carry the empty or near empty crates back to the six wheeler. She's still there doing whatever when I head back to the cooler for another load, so like 8-10 minutes she's all up in the way the irony? she's wearing a shirt that says "I wonder if you'd drive better with that cell phone shoved up your ass" ;D Talk about a disconnect |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/29/15 at 13:00:14 Youre SO much the better man.... I salute you. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 06/29/15 at 14:22:24 786761667B7C4D7D4D75676B20120 wrote:
yes, you should have enough noise that a conversation would be difficult. but I so much hate going on restocking day. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 06/30/15 at 07:30:52 The irony was so rich I just couldn't be mad, too busy laughing Yeah Versy I need a better job, every day is restocking day :-/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/02/15 at 21:41:00 Apparently no one proofread these headlines: Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 07/02/15 at 21:47:33 ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 07/04/15 at 03:11:05 (Be careful if you repeat this one....I can't be held responsible for the consequences.) "I woke up grumpy this morning........." ....................................................... "Tomorrow I am just going to let her sleep!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 07/04/15 at 13:44:59 Ha! I may have to use that one...or not! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/05/15 at 08:53:05 A group of seven-year-old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Tim - 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks, the prettier my mom gets.' Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink, the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue, and they taste disgusting.' Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog, and he goes to sleep.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man in Florida was arrested for inappropriately touching two women outside a Walmart while claiming to be a psychic. When the police picked him up, he said, 'I knew this was going to happen.' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 07/05/15 at 20:26:07 716E686F72754474447C6E62291B0 wrote:
So why don't the psychics on TV already know your credit card number? |
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Title: Wried Txet Post by Paladin. on 07/21/15 at 22:50:00 Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, olny taht the frist adn lsat ltteres are at the rghit pcleas. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by ilstef, but the wrod as a wlohe. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 07/22/15 at 07:33:18 That actually works! 8-) My wife tried to leave me because of my arrogance. I told her to make sure she closes the door on her way back in. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/24/15 at 17:02:39 A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three-Kick Rule’.” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.” The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer somehow managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.” From http://www.realityzone.com/currentperiod.html |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/05/15 at 23:37:01 The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'. She didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh nuts,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/05/15 at 23:37:34 A short love story... A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.” 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight... let's pretend that we're married.’ 'Wow, that's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied... 'Get your own f...ing blanket.' After a moment of silence, he farted. The End |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/05/15 at 23:54:49 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/05/15 at 23:59:37 I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force. "We're impressed Mr Swoop, but there's an omission on your application." The sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner." "Oh." I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it." "Great, can you start Monday?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/06/15 at 15:15:17 So, I was walking through a mall, and I saw a, ‘Book Store’. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk, (in a full Burqa), asked if she could help me. I Asked: “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding, illegal, Immigrants? “ The clerk said: “F— off, get out and stay out!” I said: “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback? ” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/06/15 at 21:01:45 That's a HOOT... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/07/15 at 08:10:51 Margaret and Bert moved to Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots --- so seeing some on sale --- he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom. He undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said, "Uh Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/10/15 at 00:43:29 An old biker walks into the chemist shop and up to the counter. "Can I help you?", asks the assistant. "I'd like three packs of condoms please." The assistant places three packs of condoms on the counter. "Would you like a paper bag with that?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the biker, "she's quite good-looking really ..." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/11/15 at 10:55:17 When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via message boards. .............................. Jack told his friend Mike, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend did not like it, but being a friend he agreed. After mass, he started talking to the priest. He asked all kinds of stupid questions, just to keep the man occupied. Finally, the priest got annoyed. He wanted to know what Mike was really doing. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiled, put his a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder, "You better hurry home now. THIS priest doesn't have a wife." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/12/15 at 23:57:02 A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You OK?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie !" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/14/15 at 21:16:51 I crappity smacking love E-bay...Sold my homing pigeon 7 times last month! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/17/15 at 14:18:31 A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree huger, a liberal Democrat, and a anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. And I’m sorry, but due to Obama-Care, they turned you down!" Heard a rumor that, the owner of the NFL Washington Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word “Washington” from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins”. It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington', imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 08/17/15 at 16:47:54 Heard a rumor that, the owner of the NFL Washington Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word “Washington” from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins”. It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington', imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football. Hilarious! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/25/15 at 17:21:23 I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Heineken, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson. Nope! We switched to Jack Daniel's, but he didn't like that any better than the Jameson. By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so stoned I could hardly push the stroller back home. .................................................................... A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Scotland and Ireland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no'. She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in. ' ....................................................... After the funeral, the men decided to honor a longstanding Irish tradition. Each man poured a bottle of Irish whisky onto the grave of the deceased. All but one of the men did this - the man known as "John the Englishman". The other men turned to the lone holdout and demanded to know why he poured no whisky. The man replied that no offering is considered sanctified unless it passes through the kidneys first, and that his offering was forthcoming... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/25/15 at 20:58:43 Aye, truly and well.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/27/15 at 17:03:42 Sounds like a Joke, Looks like a Joke, could it be ???? But ! “ These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All these teachers were reprimanded.” But, if it IS, True, The, ’teachers’, who have the Bal**, to say, What is What, In the hope that, ’that’, comment, will change the student, (for the better) Are, SCOLDED, by the P. C. Police. 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 08/27/15 at 17:46:52 I'd have to speak to THAT teacher if that was about my children! Still funny though! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 08/29/15 at 15:28:47 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/30/15 at 10:53:19 A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended with her saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/30/15 at 18:55:50 Ohhh, that is good. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 08/31/15 at 17:21:36 A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I am an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 08/31/15 at 19:42:19 What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted! ... If the opposite of pro is con, then what's the opposite of progress? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 08/31/15 at 22:22:26 ^^^^^^^ I see what you done there! :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/01/15 at 08:18:04 Yeah, and stuffs funnier when it flies close to the flame of truth. And that stuffs funny. If you've got Netflix, watch Demetri Martin. Imagine spending a day, just hanging out, and seeing all the twisted weird, funny ways he choose to see things. I was really relating to his outlook. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 09/05/15 at 10:09:16 Last time I went to a, ’strip’ bar, was Several, decades ago. My, ‘friends’ told me to have a bunch of 1.00 bills. Well I didn’t have any, so I took, Monopoly Money. As I watched my, ‘friends’, slip money to a dancer, I then did the same with the Monopoly money. The dancer, looked at it, scowled, and said: “This isn't real” I said: “Neither are those”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 09/06/15 at 18:48:06 AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP TO A SALOON AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID: “WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/07/15 at 00:47:42 A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/07/15 at 00:49:57 The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by prechermike on 09/08/15 at 05:23:15 53704D6E6C7770791E0 wrote:
MnSpring, you forgot the lessons, it is always important to learn lessons from what happens in your life. There are a few lessons here for all of us: 1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. 5 – Don't mess with older women. They didn't get old by being stupid.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 09/09/15 at 20:47:00 Eating too much is a sin, except eating too much pie is not a sin. Because the sin of Pi is zero! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/09/15 at 21:11:09 I hate jokes I Literally have to figure out. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 09/10/15 at 18:18:13 Those are the fun ones! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 09/15/15 at 07:37:11 The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news…" The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first? The lawyer says: "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million." The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done… my wife is so smart! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?" The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 09/15/15 at 07:40:17 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm Sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't Even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/17/15 at 20:22:29 A woman who is 6 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 4 months later she awakes, and ask the doctor about her baby. "You had twins," the doctor said. "A boy and a girl. They are both fine and healthy. Luckily, your brother named them for you." "Oh no!!" she said. "He's so thick you wouldn't believe it! What did he name the girl?" "Denise," said the doctor. "Oh. That's not so bad. I quite like Denise... What did he name the boy?" "Denephew." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by thumperclone on 09/17/15 at 22:40:52 ouch! [smiley=dankk2.gif] [smiley=dankk2.gif] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by arteacher on 09/18/15 at 05:56:22 Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: * My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." * My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." * My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." * "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property". Sarah replies, "Property ? .... he had a paper route!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 09/18/15 at 08:55:08 (This time I hit, 'refresh', before I posted ;D) A, cartoon. In a person’s home: (Probably circa 50's) Two men standing by the fireplace, over the fireplace, hangs trophy Big game, and Fish. Both are smoking pipes, and dressed in Suit & Ties. Two women, are standing at the door to the kitchen, again, both nicely dressed. A Balloon, over one said: “I used Chenille #5 to get my man”. The other balloon, (over the lady with a apron over her fancy dress) Said: “I used Hoppes #9” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 09/22/15 at 00:14:44 I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the crappity smacking pub. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 09/22/15 at 22:08:02 Tends to happen here too! That and the only way home is one four lane road that has accidents every four hours! Traffic is so blocked you have to stop for refreshments or die of thirst! :P |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 09/23/15 at 07:36:03 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/2b471090-8702-48a2-aa7d-da8701b6e2b4.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/2b471090-8702-48a2-aa7d-da8701b6e2b4.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 09/23/15 at 09:16:25 Looks like a "beater" bike! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 09/24/15 at 21:09:08 Well, to finish off that look, your helmet could have a "tophat"....or a simple cymbal. ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 10/14/15 at 17:54:08 Don’t have the drawn Cartoon, so you will have to think about this. Two frames. 1st one, A big City street, view from across the street. Building in background, big letters said: “J & P Hardware Store” A, (supposedly the father), smoking a pipe, with a suit and wearing a fedora hat, said to the boy with him, (supposedly his son), “You are old enough now, you have shown responsibility, lets go in and get your first Gun”. Next panel, same view, same store, only this time, the store has a, (Fast Food Name over it). The ‘father’ no hat, slacks, shirt, a, ‘metrosexual looking type’, says to his ’son’, “Your old enough now, lets go in, and get you your first, ‘Big Mac”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/23/15 at 00:30:53 The third grade teacher asks her students to tell a story with a moral. The kids get up with the usual -- don't put all your eggs in one basket, etc.. Finally one boy gets up and says "My uncle Jim was in the Vietnam War. One night he was on sentry duty, drinking Jack Daniels, when the Viet Cong attacked. A bullet broke the bottle as a full company charged his position. He mowed down about sixty of them with his M-60 until it jammed. Then he killed another twenty with his M-16 until it jammed, too. The last five charged in on him, and he beat four to death with his entrenching tool, then killed the last one with the broken bottle. Then he got another bottle of Jack and went back to drinking." "And what can be the moral of this awful story?" asked the horrified teacher. "Never crappity smack with uncle Jim when he's been drinking," said the boy. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/23/15 at 09:07:04 Sounds like good advice. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/23/15 at 17:53:28 Ok, now I understand "crappity smack". ;D I was wondering what the board had changed it from. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 10/23/15 at 18:56:23 Was at the autozone getting parts and discussing fuel injectors and changing coil over plugs with two fella's at the counter... One guy got frustrated because I told his buddy not to buy them there, but to purchase them online at ebay for 1/10th the price they charged at autozone. The guy looked at me and said: "Your full of it, you don't know Jack" To which I replied "That's where your wrong, I bought 8 of the coils for less than they are charging for one here, and I play pool with Jack every Friday". His buddy just smiled and shook his head. :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/24/15 at 17:26:01 This Halloween I'm turning all my lights out and pretending not to be home. darn the ships! My lighthouse, my rules! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/25/15 at 15:59:19 I used to go into the Greggs everday for Pies and sausage rolls and cakes because I fancied the girl that worked behind the counter. It took me ages but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out. She told me to bugger off because I was a fat ass. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by anebv8 on 10/26/15 at 01:34:08 I spent ages trying to cross a busy road yesterday. Some passer-by said, "Hey, there's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road." I thought, 'Well I certainly hope he's having better luck than me.' MODERATORS NOTE: I didn't understand this.....so I looked it up. In Kentucky....we don't use the term Zebra Crossing for a striped crosswalk. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/02/15 at 19:13:28 It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. very clean 23. sympathetic 24. athletic 25. warm 26. attentive 27. gallant 28. intelligent 29. funny 30. creative 31. tender 32. strong 33. understanding 34. tolerant 35. prudent 36. ambitious 37. capable 38. courageous 39. determined 40. true 41. dependable 42. passionate 43. compassionate Without forgetting to: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. love shopping 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls And, at the same time, you must also: 50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. Never to forget: -- birthdays -- anniversaries -- arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Show up naked 2. Bring food |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/02/15 at 19:20:45 To women everywhere from a man who's had enough! Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it! No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying anyway. Check your oil. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. Check your tire pressure. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. If it itches, it will be scratched. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 11/03/15 at 10:32:06 764F544E0D0C3D0 wrote:
The food is optional. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/03/15 at 16:44:52 Every Sunday, (After Church of course.) When it was nice out, a foursome went golfing. The same four had been doing it for years. One day, one of the men, shanked a ball into the woods. He shrugs, and then went in and got it. Low and behold, their was this, ‘little green’, man laying on the ground, next to his golf ball, with a big knot on his forehead. The man immediately, fell to his knees, and helped the little man. “I’m Sorry, What can I do, Let me help you, It’s all my fault, Let me call a Doctor”. The little green man sat up, said: 'He was perfectly all right, and because you are so kind, let me do something for you’. The Man said: “Oh No, it was all my fault, what can I do”. The little green man said: ‘ Everything is Just fine, this little bump on the head will go away shortly, but I want to do something for you, because you have been so kind’. “ No, no, no”, the Man said: “Let me do something for you”. The little green man said: ‘Go out their and play Golf, it is enough, I am just fine’. Well the man picked up his golf ball, and dropped it on the fairway, (Talking a one stroke penalty of course) Then decided, because he was so far back, he would do a #2 Wood. He hit the ball, it went straight and true, hit the apron, bounces, rolled on the green, hit the flag stake, and went into the Hole ! His Friends All Cheered. (A Eagle, if not for the plenty stroke) so he got a Birdie on that hole. Rest of the game went Flawless, he Never had Golfed so good Before. In fact, he, ‘Won’ (among his foursome). Back at the clubhouse, he said: “I’m going to buy a Pitcher of Beer”. Just as he put his hand in his pocket, he remembered, he forgot to put some money in their. BUT, low and behold, their, Was, money in their. Not only enough to buy the pitcher of beer, but, to buy his 3 friends, Burgers & Fries also ! The next week, his Job went, ‘Perfect’. In fact, after a couple on months, he got a, ‘Hand Written Letter’, from the, BIG, boss, who happened to be in, Rome Italy. His Golf handicap kept doing down and down. He was a very happy camper. Next year, same course, same hole, same day. He hit his drive, it was going perfect, then, ‘Suddenly’, it hooked off, and went into the woods. The rest of his group, kinda chuckled, and he shrugs, and then went in to get it. Low and behold, here is the Same ‘little green’ man, this time, he is Holding his Golf ball. The little green man asked: “Just wanna know how things have be going for you this last year”. The man said: ‘Well, I have never have wanted on money, every time I reach in my pocket I have enough” The little green man asked: “How’s your Job and hobbies going” The man responded, “Never Better, In fact I have Never Golfed Better, AND, I got a, Hand written letter, from the BIG, Boss, telling me a great Job I was doing” The little green man, (with a wink), asked: “Hows your Sex life”. The man responded: “Great, for a Priest in a small Perish”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by HovisPresley on 11/03/15 at 23:21:32 I think a little bit of sick just came up, in Mark's mouth ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 11/04/15 at 09:06:17 I Really want to print the 2 Kris posted out and post them every place i can think of |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Tocsik on 11/04/15 at 11:28:03 42515754464141230 wrote:
Yeah, except for the one about Columbus not asking for directions. He was trying to get to India, after all. :-[ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/04/15 at 15:45:00 ;D Thanks! You guys are too funny! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 11/05/15 at 20:32:21 5C676B7B6163080 wrote:
Yeah, except for the one about Columbus not asking for directions. He was trying to get to India, after all. :-[/quote] True, and he thought he got there, too ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/06/15 at 20:53:59 A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt. Employee: How about this shirt? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on! Psychic: Because I'm a medium. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 11/10/15 at 03:51:23 A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship”. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat”. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft”. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?” And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a motorcycle in there!” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 11/10/15 at 10:50:02 I'm still laughing on that one. That was good. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 11/10/15 at 13:33:46 2625273C3B3238343B550 wrote:
What's so funny.....the man ask the lady a very serious question! :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/10/15 at 19:42:09 Don't you hate those guys that knock on your door and tell you that you have to be saved or you'll burn? Stupid fireman! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/10/15 at 19:54:05 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2fXTf2hcoA This one's funny! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 11/10/15 at 21:34:30 Dave, there are some things.... well, there are a few things...., well there is at least one thing I enjoy more than riding a motorcycle. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by KennyG on 11/10/15 at 23:00:36 SpringMan, You must be whole lot younger than the rest of us....LOL Kenny G |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 11/11/15 at 10:43:15 I think I'm with springman on that one of course, I'm only 49 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/11/15 at 18:16:18 3A393B20272E242827490 wrote:
Wait...I don't get it! ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by jcstokes on 11/11/15 at 18:47:19 I enjoy driving antique cars marginally better than riding a motorcycle, and if necessary you can lock a motorcycle or an antique car in the shed for some time. Their complaints are nominal. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 11/11/15 at 20:11:25 Kenny, Kris, I don't know how to respond. JC you have a good point!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 11/11/15 at 21:29:56 033A213B7879480 wrote:
Wait...I don't get it! ;D ;D ;D[/quote] Well, when I see a picture of a bike behind some ones backside (usually a girl), I usually want to see the bike.... as I know I could have the bike, but, I already have a backside I can look at, and not get smacked for looking at another one ;) :o :) ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by jcstokes on 11/11/15 at 22:05:44 Certain other allegedly pleasurable activities were described by the English lexicographer Dr Johnson, and the New Zealand human??? J C Stokes as follows. The pleasure momentary, the positions ridiculous and the expense darnable. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 11/12/15 at 21:10:05 I find the vertical to be the most ridiculous position either leaned, or horizontal, are better ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/12/15 at 21:24:30 I guess I hafta stand with ya on that. Wait, Does that look wrong? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 11/13/15 at 09:05:08 as long as we're riding separately I think it's ok ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/22/15 at 12:22:57 A Man and his wife were both riding a Donkey. A bystander said to a friend: “How Cruel, two people riding that poor Donkey”. So the wife decides to walk a while, and let her Husband ride. Then another bystander said to a friend: “What a Chauvinist, he makes his Wife walk”. So the Wife and Husband, exchange positions. Then another bystander says to a friend: “What a Fool, only one of them is riding the Donkey”. So then they both get off. Then yet another bystander said to a friend: “How Stupid, they both could be riding that Donkey”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/22/15 at 14:39:47 Just goes to show you can't please everyone! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/13/15 at 08:32:17 1st old man: I went to a nice restaurant last night. It had really great food. 2nd old man: Really? What was the name of the place? 1st old man: Uhh, what's the name of that red flower? 2nd old man: Carnation? 1st old man: No, the one with the thorns. 2nd old man: Rose? 1st old man: Yeah, rose, that's it! Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by HovisPresley on 12/16/15 at 12:44:10 NSFW https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6H11NZUAsE |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 12/17/15 at 03:24:51 http://i64.tinypic.com/e7jd5z.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 12/21/15 at 20:17:19 A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you." Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.. "Well I am in the bar next to that." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/31/15 at 22:01:28 how to remove dents from motorcycle gas tank https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=UB0eRYHtpYo |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/31/15 at 22:28:31 A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 01/01/16 at 12:50:52 1. Let "a" and "b" be equal non-zero quantities a = b 2. Multiply by "a" a2 = ab 3. Subtract b2 a2 - b2 = ab - b2 4. Factor both sides: the left factors as a difference of squares, the right is factored by extracting "b" from both terms (a - b)(a + b) = b(a - b) 5. Divide out (a - b) a + b = b 6. Observing that a = b b + b = b 7. Combine like terms on the left 2b = b 8. Divide by the non-zero "b" 2 = 1 ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/01/16 at 14:51:18 B + B = B? Not even in my BB brain. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 01/01/16 at 20:47:44 If a=b Then a squared = b squared, not ab Which is a x b But I could "b" wrong :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/01/16 at 21:23:56 5F667D672425140 wrote:
since you defined a=b at the start, 0=0 and anything you do afterward is trivial. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 01/01/16 at 21:37:29 393A32243F323324560 wrote:
That's the same thing if a=b. ;) Multiply a=b by a: a * a = b * a (which is the same as a2 = ba (or ab) ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/03/16 at 16:03:51 Had to share |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 01/03/16 at 16:05:16 Old joke about Alzheimer’s[ch8206]: “You can wrap your own Christmas presents”. New Joke: “You can vote for Hillary”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 01/03/16 at 21:04:07 MnSprng, that picture reminds me of a buddy of mine from Brainerd who moved down south! We panic and close schools when there's a 1/2" of snow. In Minnesota they call that spring! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 01/03/16 at 21:48:44 Blog (http://www.dslretorts.com/Paladin/archives/002250.html) Yahoo Weather for Gardena and they had a "Severe Weather Alert" -- expecting a tenth to a quarter inch of rain!! ( Also see Blog re: RAIN!! (http://www.dslretorts.com/Paladin/archives/002854.html) ) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/22/16 at 13:37:53 A store that sells new husbands opened in Melbourne where women can choose a husband. Instructions at the entrance explain how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as you ascend. You may choose any item from a particular floor or go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking. ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Really Good Looking, and Help With Housework. ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This empty floor demonstrates that women are impossible to please and always want more. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gende-bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives Store across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. Wives on the second floor love sex, have money, and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited. From http://needtoknow.news/#return |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 01/24/16 at 11:37:52 short but funny https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmHZzo80lkE |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 01/24/16 at 13:17:16 It's the little ones ya gotta watch it for! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 02/04/16 at 12:24:14 A man goes to his local church to confess... Man: Father, I have sinned. Priest: And how have you sinned? Man: I have stolen someone's motorcycle and now I'm here to give it to you. Priest: No, no, no! Don't give it to me! Give it back to the person you stole it from and you shall be forgiven. Man: I did that but he said he didn't want. Priest: In that case, you may keep the bike for yourself. The man leaves and after the day is over the priest goes out to the parking lot to find his motorcycle missing. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 02/10/16 at 13:18:46 (Letter from farm kid to family) Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places get filled up. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Oldfeller on 02/10/16 at 16:10:44 Dave, How do you clean your built up residues off your valve -- without having to take it out, of course ??? (a little hospital humor here you know) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Oldfeller on 02/10/16 at 18:57:04 Answer ---- Rat poison, 3 milligrams once a day. Hilarious, huh? Really, it has all the other patents rolling around in stitches ..... ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 02/11/16 at 03:58:17 Oldfeller.....Glad you made it though your surgery and kept your sense of humor. I had no idea what the answer was to the question........so I just spent the night confused! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 02/11/16 at 06:08:48 7B5850525158585146340 wrote:
I take an average of 6.8 milligrams a day. More than five years, ain't killed me yet! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 02/12/16 at 08:14:58 [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/12631425_1200306403332027_3277195216853604442_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/12631425_1200306403332027_3277195216853604442_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 02/12/16 at 08:25:15 05343934313C3B550 wrote:
I take an average of 6.8 milligrams a day. More than five years, ain't killed me yet! [/quote] proof positive you are not a rat 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 02/14/16 at 18:56:02 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get in my own pants!! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 02/16/16 at 09:03:43 A man on his Motorcycle was riding along Santa Monica Boulevarde when suddenly the sky clouded over and, in a booming voice, God said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'' The rider pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'' God replied: "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific ocean and the concrete and steel it would take. "I can do it, but it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. "Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all mankind.'' The rider thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said: "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. "I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'' God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'' |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 02/19/16 at 19:53:12 On the farm lived a young female chicken and a male horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, she too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift her out of the pit.The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled her up and out, saving her young life. The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)? "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't, need A Harley to Pick Up Chicks." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 03/09/16 at 19:17:40 A group of baboons is called a "congress". Seems appropriate! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 03/11/16 at 07:53:00 Funny but inaccurate ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 03/11/16 at 12:40:17 How so? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Paladin. on 03/11/16 at 12:57:54 http://www.thealmightyguru.com/Pointless/AnimalGroups.html Baboons: Troop, Flange Salamandars: Congress |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 03/11/16 at 13:55:05 Ah! Then that joke makes no sense. It's a joke itself! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 03/11/16 at 13:58:44 Ok, how 'bout this instead... I called the cops and told them there was a murder on my front lawn. They said "we don't handle crows" and to stop calling! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 03/12/16 at 08:09:47 ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 04/14/16 at 13:28:59 I saw a t-shirt today that said: Destind for grateness |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by DesertRat on 04/14/16 at 16:18:17 why isn't this PINNED at the top ... ??? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 04/14/16 at 17:47:03 I had to search 4 pages back to find it. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 04/21/16 at 13:54:26 Yesterday, I was sitting on my deck, sipping a nice cold beer, while my wife mowed the lawn with a push mower, in 98 degree heat. My neighbor came out, and saw my wife struggling in the heat, and yelled at me, "YOU SHOULD BE HUNG" I shouted back, "That's why SHE'S mowing" ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 04/21/16 at 20:23:43 Don't flatter yourself Stew! :P ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 05/05/16 at 19:58:21 Ok, this one is not really a joke but I think it's funny. If you have a pizza with radius Z and thickness A, it's volume is PI*Z*Z*A! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 05/06/16 at 07:28:47 unfortunately, I'm mathematically impaired |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 05/06/16 at 11:07:58 7D6E686B797E7E1C0 wrote:
Yep - when it comes to numbers/math.....there are only 3 kinds of people. Those that understand it - and those that don't! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 05/06/16 at 20:14:08 516873692A2B1A0 wrote:
Ok, for the mathematically challenged... Volume of a cylinder = PI * radius squared * height ...but that makes the "joke" less funny! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 05/06/16 at 20:24:04 Hilary and Trump jump out of an airplane with no parachutes. Who survives? America! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 05/06/16 at 20:27:41 A wife asks her husband, "Which one do you like better? My beautiful face or my sexy body?" The husband looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/06/16 at 20:54:47 0F362D377475440 wrote:
How did I miss seeing THAT?!?! That's beautiful.. but, we may just be pleasantly surprised by Trump, but, that means Ron Paul is wrong, and that is not something that happens a lot. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 05/12/16 at 09:26:46 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IahHznkEymQ [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IahHznkEymQ[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 05/12/16 at 11:17:18 obviously... too much wd40. :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/12/16 at 11:24:07 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TGqS5n05Q1o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 06/02/16 at 20:07:24 Did you here about the cannibal that passed his uncle on the way out of the jungle? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 06/02/16 at 20:10:06 That actually took me a few to get well played sir |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 06/02/16 at 20:25:13 so his uncle crapped out? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 06/02/16 at 20:39:48 ;D ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Boofer on 06/03/16 at 18:03:40 What did the snail say to the Police after being mugged by turtles? "It all happened so fast!" :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Boofer on 06/03/16 at 18:06:11 I took the shell off of my racing snail to make him faster, but it just made him more sluggish. (JJ Jasper, American Family Radio) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 06/04/16 at 07:14:05 ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 06/04/16 at 14:58:57 boofer I just love the one liners,nice job! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Boofer on 06/04/16 at 15:38:24 What did the snail say while riding the tortoise? "Wheeeee"!!! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 06/20/16 at 04:25:36 I saw this at the north end of the Tail of the Dragon, at the BBQ shack....... http://i63.tinypic.com/2s1xkap.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 06/25/16 at 19:08:11 http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/b1892415-2d60-4ef5-bbf4-abd78e7628c1.jpg (http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/b1892415-2d60-4ef5-bbf4-abd78e7628c1.jpg.html) Cat Lover |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 06/25/16 at 20:52:17 GD pu$$y bike |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/26/16 at 01:38:20 That cat needs to calm it Down a bit... How much Valium did he give it? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 06/30/16 at 18:40:38 http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Spay+and+neuter+your+pests+a+red+white+and+blue_433289_4980982.png |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 07/13/16 at 19:49:11 I could live with that ! Good one Kris! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 07/14/16 at 20:24:32 The mighty Viking warrior Rudolf the Red,on his return from raiding the towns of the north,was greeted by his loving wife, after landing ashore .They had not seen each other for many months. She asked of him just one thing that they might spend the entire next day alone together.He said that there was a small island just of the coast if she would pack them lunch they would take a small boat and leave in the morning ,he loved her so ,they had a marriage made in Valhalla!But next morning he said he could see clouds rolling in from the ocean,and that they shouldn't go. She was upset and asked if he were sure,at which he answered ,Rudolf the Red knows rain dear! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 07/14/16 at 20:28:04 Boo! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 07/15/16 at 07:31:54 *groan* ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 07/15/16 at 08:53:41 ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/15/16 at 09:19:51 If one of those is female then Lab truly Is a pregnant dog. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/15/16 at 12:40:46 The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!” Hillary replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?….Show me!” So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY, and there was happiness throughout the land! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 07/15/16 at 14:53:36 The Pope and the Donald are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Donald and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!” Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?….Show me!” So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY, and there was happiness throughout the land! There,.. I fixed it... ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 07/27/16 at 16:18:18 THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE USA..... If Hillary Clinton wins the US Presidential election... -- it would be the first time in history that two US Presidents would have slept with each other! If Donald Trump wins the US Presidential election... -- it would be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 07/27/16 at 19:28:54 :) :) :) :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Art Webb on 07/28/16 at 07:25:01 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/28/16 at 11:02:34 Who has never sought nor held public office. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 08/06/16 at 09:27:18 Heard that Hillary, Found out she had a brain Tumor. Luckily, she also had a colonoscopy scheduled, Doctor took it out ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 08/06/16 at 09:36:22 did he check bill out while he was there? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 08/16/16 at 11:51:52 Reagan had cancer removed from his nose and his butt ,what's that tell you? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 08/22/16 at 02:38:07 http://i66.tinypic.com/1zxttns.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 08/22/16 at 18:39:01 ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 08/22/16 at 19:17:32 I knew chuck was my kind of guy. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RaleighGuy on 08/23/16 at 04:46:03 There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 08/23/16 at 19:40:06 2 wrongs don't make a right but 3 rights make a left! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by RaleighGuy on 08/24/16 at 04:04:18 5C657E642726170 wrote:
------------------------------- Unless you're in M.C. Escher's world! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 08/28/16 at 02:50:49 70757478687575777F1A0 wrote:
You need a Boolean sense of humor to get that one !!! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 09/02/16 at 18:58:30 http://https://s16.postimg.org/ow0352nbp/image.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/02/16 at 19:24:38 http://www.bitrebels.com/entertainment/this-is-why-men-die-before-women-14-pics/ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 09/04/16 at 17:26:18 Don't do Facebook often, But when I do, I find something, 'Funny'. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM0yLMa5dWI |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 09/16/16 at 04:57:57 Grandson: Boxers or briefs? Grandpa: Depends. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/06/16 at 05:17:06 When attacked by a mob of angry clowns, go for the juggler! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 10/06/16 at 12:48:36 Have you heard about the new medication to treat lesbian depression? It's called Tricoxagain. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/06/16 at 13:07:49 I thought it was Enjoy your new Subaru. How an Ad Campaign Made Lesbians Fall in Love with Subaru https://priceonomics.com › how-an-ad-ca... May 23, 2016 - You Are What You Drive ... The marketers found that lesbian Subaru owners liked that the cars were good for .... As a Harvard case study on the lesbian-focused ad campaign noted, ... Lesbians and Subarus: Why do lesbians love Outbacks and ... - Slate Slate › blogs › outward › 2014/01/02 › l... Jan 2, 2014 - She then promised to “drive my Subaru Outback into Red Square, doing doughnuts and blasting ... How Subaru targeted lesbians and revolutionized advertising ... OregonLive.com › index.ssf › 2016/05 May 25, 2016 - One Subaru ad featured a car with a license plate reading "Xena ... Back to Main Menu; Politics Home · My Government ... of people willing to pay premium for the all-wheel-drive cars: ... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/11/16 at 15:35:57 How Donald Trump answers the question "What is 2+2?" "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 10/27/16 at 19:52:00 98% of all Harleys ever built are still on the road. The other 2% made it home! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 10/28/16 at 03:26:40 A recent survey found that 4 out of 5 Great Lakes prefer Michigan! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by rl153 on 11/01/16 at 09:18:08 Politically correct Halloween! [URL=http://s725.photobucket.com/user/levine1299/media/14938193_10158350097355377_7268758370663303048_n.jpg.html]http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww251/levine1299/14938193_10158350097355377_7268758370663303048_n.jpg[/URL][/img] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 11/01/16 at 09:36:30 Green Party bRocks! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/03/16 at 18:54:43 The bad news is Hillary and Trump are telling everyone that choosing the other candidate would be a catastrophic choice for President. The good news is both of them are telling the truth for once. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 11/08/16 at 09:11:15 A few weeks ago I was on a business trip. I was on my own so after dinner I stepped into the hotel bar. I saw an attractive woman sitting at the bar so I sauntered over to her and said "Hello". She looked at me somewhat dryly and said, "I'm a lesbian." I replied, "Cool, I'm a Texan. Where's Lesbia?" 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 11/08/16 at 12:52:59 I knew there was something funny about those Greeks. ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/08/16 at 18:18:10 Statistics say 1 in 3 people cheat on their Significant Other. I want to know if it's my wife or my girlfriend! >:( ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/08/16 at 20:48:35 http://https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/72/f6/31/72f631e56621a3e630c261d01d68e928.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/09/16 at 18:29:32 Vladimir Putin flies in to Warsaw Airport and goes through Customs: Name? Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. Address? Kremlin, Moscow, Russia. Occupation? No, not this time. Just visiting. |
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Title: Why call me a spammer ? Post by mpescatori on 11/10/16 at 01:24:02 WTH ??? An Error Has Occurred! Quote:
:-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/10/16 at 18:14:36 Been a bad boy? :D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 11/11/16 at 01:19:17 No, I was trying to post a funny joke but system says I am a spammer... just because I copy&paste? :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 11/11/16 at 02:54:42 A 270 second time out? Man....that is harsh! :( |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/17/16 at 05:01:12 I'm 47 and have the body of a 25 year old supermodel. But it takes up too much room in my freezer. Any suggestions? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/18/16 at 04:50:49 I keep getting claustrophobic in elevators. I've been taking steps to avoid it. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/22/16 at 15:15:20 Man walks into a Bar. Sees a Lady alone at a Table. He walks over and says: " Hi, I am a Politician, and a Honest one" She says: "Hi, I am a Prostitute, and a Virgin". |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 11/23/16 at 21:23:35 http://https://i.imgflip.com/1eqdld.jpg I didn't fill out C20 and the C25s...I hope I don't get audited. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old_rider on 11/24/16 at 05:30:41 ^^^^ where is the like button for that post?? ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 11/24/16 at 13:00:03 Wait until that picture circulates around the internet. Very few people will have a clue what it means! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Tocsik on 11/27/16 at 17:08:36 Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where’s your Ferrari? Woman: … |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 11/30/16 at 18:20:08 A Newly minted, ‘Game Warden’, was assigned a District. He did his homework, and learned, who were the bad guys and the good guys. So, he decided, ‘Old Fred’, was a Bad Guy, and always ‘Poached’. So one morning, he went out to, ‘Old Fred’s Cabin, at 4 AM, hid in the weeds, and waited. (To Catch Him) At 5 AM, he could smell Coffee Brewing, and Eggs/Bacon frying. At 5:30, ‘Old Fred’ came out on the Porch, with TWO, Plates of food, and Coffee. And said: “ Come On Out Tim, got your Breakfast Here !” (The G.W.’s name was Tim) (Well, how the Heck did ‘ol Fred’ know. So Tim had Breakfast.) A Month Later, Tim went out at 3 AM, Same thing, Next month, at 2AM, Same thing. This went on for several years. Finally, Both, were in a, ‘Old Folks Home’. Tim, asked Fred: “How did you know I was out their?” Fred said: “ I Made TWO Breakfasts, EVERY Morning”. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 12/01/16 at 13:51:05 http://i65.tinypic.com/rmtcpd.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kenny G on 12/01/16 at 20:55:35 An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction, with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep nuts now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ........ "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull nuts and brilliance only come with age and experience. If you don't send this to 2 old' friends right away, there will be 2 fewer people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'. You did notice the size of the print, didn't you? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/02/16 at 15:23:39 Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!" That's seriously funny. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by old.indian on 12/02/16 at 16:02:56 Obliviously the old Doberman was not from Tex-ass...... ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/02/16 at 18:05:34 Of COURSE not, the lion Lived,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/03/16 at 20:48:20 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUX2-N8cVMc |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/15/16 at 14:36:44 It’s so cold… …Someone spilled hot coffee on me and I thanked them. …A group of chickens walked into a KFC to warm up. …Chuck Norris put on a jacket. …Even the Good Humor man is in a bad mood. …That I can’t even get into a heated argument with my wife. …Pickpockets are calling in sick. …Richard Simmons is actually wearing pants. …I chipped a tooth on my soup. …Grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass. …Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick. …We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up. …The politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets. …Beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition. …Pamela Anderson was downgraded from “hot” to “tepid”. …I fell out of bed and my pajamas broke. …Miley Cyrus made sure she had underwear on before she went out. …Down at the city morgue, you couldn’t tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there. …Al Gore returned his Nobel prize. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 12/15/16 at 16:12:43 And, it's so cold, Had to use, 'Starting Fluid', in the outhouse this morning !@ |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/15/16 at 18:20:36 Beer is a good "starting fluid" if you need to "go"! Works every time ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 12/22/16 at 19:10:53 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 01/06/17 at 17:44:06 Ya know how you search for the new Suzuki motorcycles and the internet give you crayons instead? Well, I now present to you Star Wars snowflakes that you can cut out yourself! ;D http://www.anthonyherreradesigns.com/starwarssnowflakes |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/07/17 at 03:01:33 Be careful with what you post on this forum Kris01. We might just start calling you "snowflake". ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 01/07/17 at 07:21:40 I've been called much worse! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/23/17 at 05:19:27 http://i68.tinypic.com/s1olsm.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 02/10/17 at 06:57:37 Did you hear about the guy that couldn't pay for his exorcism? He was repossessed! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 02/28/17 at 16:15:32 How many seconds in a year?..................12,.........................Jan 2,Feb 2 ,Mar2,etc. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by gizzo on 03/02/17 at 12:38:04 my wife is giving me the silent treatment. she thinks she's punishing me. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by DieselBob on 03/02/17 at 14:42:56 Two old Savage riders encounter one another on the street and one of them is riding a late model spotless Savage. The other old boy says "Where'd ya get that beautiful Savage. The rider says "Got it just down the street from this incredible blonde. And it was free!" The other one says "And how exactly did that work?" The rider says "Well I was walking down the street wishing I had me a Savage when this stunning blonde rolls up on this Savage, steps off, strips all her clothes off and says 'Take what you want'." And the other old boy says "Excellent choice. Her clothes wouldn't have fit ya anyway." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 03/03/17 at 07:27:43 That was good!!! ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 03/03/17 at 09:37:42 I like :) :) :) :) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 03/11/17 at 07:08:59 http://www.obairlann.net/reaper/motorcycle/spoof/wheelie.html Wheelies Cure Erectile Dysfunction, Study Finds Monday, July 24, 2006 By IAN JOHNSTON, Staff Reporter LOS ANGELES, California - The National Institute of Highway Safety, working together with the Federal Health Advisory Board, has released another striking study. The results of this five year study suggest, in the uncharacteristically colloquial words of lead researcher and study author Sean MacDonald, "wheelies can keep your willy stiff." Said MacDonald, "We started this research to determine what was appealing [to motorcyclists] about wheelies." He went on to explain that wheelies are responsible for over 200 deaths per year in California alone, with over 750 riders per year admitted to the hospital after a wheelie-related accident. Typical accident scenarios involve a rider showing off for others, commonly wearing minimal safety equipment, with little or no training. The combined NIHS and FHAB study followed up on over 500 accidents over the span of five years. The majority of accidents were in California, with Florida, Texas and, surprisingly, Massachusetts following close behind. Where possible, the riders involved in the accidents were interviewed. Some wheelie-riding riders who were not involved in accidents were also interviewed. MacDonald explained, "We expected the reasons to include showing off for friends or members of the opposite sex, honing skill, or other similar reasons to come out. What we found, though, was that a lot of people would confide in the interviewer that they'd heard wheelies prevent or reverse erectile dysfunction." He credited numerous email (so-called "spam") advertising campaigns, stunt videos, and the large number of recently-established wheelie schools with the dissemination of this information. At first, the study treated this data as misinformation on the part of respondents, but as more data was collected, a correlation was noticed. In the words of MacDonald, "that's when we called in the FHAB to help out." Sure enough, there was a strong correlation between wheelie riders and unimpaired erectile function, including all age ranges studied, from 16 through 80. He noted that, of riders who include the wheelie in their regular riding regimen, only 3% are female. "We're really at a loss to explain [the effect]," continued MacDonald. "Our best theory right now is that the upward orientation of the motorcycle, already something of a phallic symbol, exerts a strong psychological, and maybe even physiological, effect on riders." He later said, "obviously, it will take a new study to discover why this correlation exists. More funding is needed." Of the numerous riding safety organizations contacted for this story, only the Motorcycle Manufacturer's Council responded, with a written statment saying that motorcycles are to be used responsibly, and in a safe manner. The statement did not address the study or possible ties to erectile dysfunction. Bob Franklin, of Franklin's Performance School in Phoenix, Arizona had this to say: "of course wheelies increase erectile function! Motorcyclists have known that since the first motorcycle which could pull a wheelie." Franklin's Performance School holds a monthly wheelie class which is usually sold out, at 25 students per class. The class costs $285 for two days according to Franklin, and the school supplies safety-modified wheelie bikes. Despite the findings of the study, MacDonald urges people seeking an alternative to Viagra or Levitra to be cautious. "It may be expensive buying medication to treat the condition, but hospitalization from a botched wheelie is much more expensive." Used prices on wheelie-capable motorcycles range from $1,000 to over $20,000, suggesting entry into this method of treatment can be comparable to long-term purchase of FDA-approved medications. Wheelie school sessions can be had for as little as several hundred dollars. "We never would have guessed," explained MacDonald of the study's ultimate findings. "Now I know why so many guys like to pull wheelies." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 03/11/17 at 12:14:22 How do you get rid of a blonde after haveing sex with her? You open the car door! Sometimes I've had to hang a brush and mirror on the lock button. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MnSpring on 03/19/17 at 20:21:00 Wife comes home, Husband is in the Kitchen with a Fly Swatter. She says: ‘What Ya Doing” He says: “Killing Flies, got 3 females, and 2 males so far” She says: “How do you know if they are Female or Male” He says: “Three were on the Phone, two were on Bear Cans” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 04/12/17 at 18:17:15 I have a bumper sticker on my bike that reads "Honk if you think I'm sexy". Sometimes I like to park at green lights until I feel good about myself. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/13/17 at 16:55:18 That's all shot to HeII first time you look in the mirror,, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Kris01 on 04/13/17 at 18:46:39 I don't plan on entering any beauty contests! BTW, it was just a joke. I'd never put a bumper sticker on any of my vehicles. The car/bike is too purty for that! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/13/17 at 19:46:01 Dude, I get it... but I GOTSTA Say what I Gotta say.. Anyone else would have gotten the same cheap shot. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 04/15/17 at 16:45:27 United has just revised their frequent flyer program... now you get credit for the distance they've dragged you. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 07/17/17 at 20:12:04 My therapist told me “Write postcards to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the postcards. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by IslandRoad on 07/18/17 at 04:15:57 A couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, and both head off to bed that night, a little light-headed from the champagne. The wife wakes up around 1 am, and the bed is empty next to her. She sees a faint glow from under the door. She carefully makes her way down the hall to the kitchen. Her husband is sitting at the kitchen table, head bowed and his shoulders dropped. As she looks over his shoulder she sees he is holding a photo of their wedding day. He softly sniffs. Moved with affection, she quietly asks: "Honey, what are you doing?" "Just remembering" he says. "Oh..." as she places her hand on his shoulder. He continued "Remember when we were dating, and we'd park in my car?" She smiled "Yes, I do" "And your Dad caught us in the back seat?" "Uh huh," her smile broadened. He went on "And he pulled me out by the hair. I had nothing on but socks" She giggled "Yep" "And he held me by my throat and told me if I didn't marry you that he'd make sure I'd spend the next fifty years in jail" She put her other hand on his other shoulder as he wiped a tear from his eye. "I couldn't forget it" she said. He sniffed, and after a long pause he said "I'd be getting out today!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by eau de sauvage on 07/18/17 at 05:03:42 Blond on a building site asks to use the toilet... the foreman says, it's down that corridor, first left, but there's no door. She says, well how the f#@k am I supposed to get in? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by IslandRoad on 07/18/17 at 05:42:52 Bloke at the pub, asks the bartender "Where's the toilet?" Bartender says "Just go down the stairs". Bloke says "OK! ... but they'll get slippery!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 04/25/18 at 08:46:53 http://i67.tinypic.com/25s7kw8.png |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 04/25/18 at 11:21:36 Is it full auto?... ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 04/25/18 at 11:46:59 Excellent Dave, |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 06/20/18 at 10:53:41 *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't WD-40." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 07/03/18 at 10:10:25 Me: ** Hops on to test ride a new motorcycle, starts instantly, looks at dash ** Me: Oh, look, a compass, I'm headed due North. Me: ** toe taps it in to gear ** Me: Hey - now I'm headed due 1 - COOL! Salesman: ** Grabs keys from the ignition ** |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by IslandRoad on 07/03/18 at 12:45:49 An oldie but a goodie: A guy buys his first chainsaw ... all good. He goes home to try it out, but he comes back an hour later and says, "This thing's bloody useless!! I'd get the job done quicker with a hand saw" The salesman says "Oh that's not right. Let me have a look" The salesman looks over the saw, starts it, and gives it a good rev. The customer jumps back in fright and says "Holy Sh!t! What's that noise?!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/03/18 at 23:12:41 Hillary Clinton goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.The undertaker tells the Americans accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for just $100". The Americans go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Hillary shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 08/01/18 at 08:53:06 Soundtrack...... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKVplvWqXWI&feature=youtu.be [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKVplvWqXWI&feature=youtu.be[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/11/18 at 20:34:31 The Saturday Night Joke A Virgin Bride On Her 4th Wedding A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." "Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning." "WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again." "What about your third husband?" "That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 08/15/18 at 22:36:35 Why was 6 afraid of 7 ? because 7,8,9. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/18/18 at 20:31:51 *** The Saturday Night Joke The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by v-pilot on 08/19/18 at 16:50:39 ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Crotchett on 08/22/18 at 07:55:10 A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.” “You must be an engineer” says the balloonist. “I am” replies the man. “How did you know.” “Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.” The man below says “You must be a manager.” “I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/26/18 at 21:01:03 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY&feature=youtu.be YZASS flight attendant laying out the dos and don't stuff. She's funny. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by DieselBob on 08/28/18 at 14:17:25 - And this one is a combination of the last two posted............ Bad weather prompted the cancellation of numerous Southwest flights resulting in a long line of customers trying to get re-scheduled onto other flights and airlines. One particularly entitled and wealthy young man muscled his way to the front of the line and demanded to be immediately booked onto the next flight. The courteous and patient Southwest attendant responded "Sir, you'll need to get in line like everyone else." To which the over-blown narcissist replied "Do you have any idea who I am?" The Southwest attendant keyed the mike on the airport's public address system and announced "There's a man at the Southwest counter who doesn't know who he is. If anyone can identify him, please come to the Southwest counter." The furious narcissist screamed "F*** you." To which the Southwest attendant responded "And you'll need to get in line like everyone else for that as well." - |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Tocsik on 08/29/18 at 18:09:24 I went to this zoo the other day and all they had in the whole place was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 08/30/18 at 07:34:24 Blame is on Tocsik. He started it. What do you get when you cross a shih tzu will a bull dog? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/31/18 at 04:30:04 Bullshit? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/02/18 at 13:53:29 The Saturday Night Joke Thought you'd enjoy this! This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly..mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103% What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why Politicians are where they are! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 09/02/18 at 16:54:22 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_moPL1LWaU [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_moPL1LWaU[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/02/18 at 17:14:04 Having a Baaaad day |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Armen on 09/02/18 at 17:38:40 I read that, back in the day, the Clinton Foundation had done a joint study with the Kennedy Institute to see if a woman in an evening gown and heels could outrun a guy with his pants around his ankles. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 09/03/18 at 04:20:42 302F292E33340535053D2F23685A0 wrote:
Yep - That sheep either needs to go on a diet, or get a thinner wool coat! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 09/03/18 at 15:58:42 But it tastes better than Tide Pods |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/08/18 at 11:45:59 I can't get the picture in here, but it's pretty good.. https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2018/09/Pompei-Now.jpeg?resize=768%2C684&ssl=1 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 09/08/18 at 17:03:43 That was close JOG, but not complete. You call it a bull shih tzu. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/08/18 at 19:34:58 I hope I'm never bitten by one. What would I tell the doctor? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/22/18 at 19:11:30 father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died…! The father thought it was a strange coincidence A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma" The next day the grandmother died… "Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said: "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.... My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/23/18 at 15:19:42 http://d2lzsjxdsbkph.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/happy-hour-20150430-10.gif Wadda You MEAN you don't wanna play hockey? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by whistler on 09/29/18 at 11:42:31 that looks like the first and last time i tried to ice skate :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/30/18 at 05:58:30 *** The Saturday Night Joke This is a story with a happy ending... I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole darn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/07/18 at 02:01:56 A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 10/08/18 at 19:45:43 Psych test for you! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/13/18 at 23:02:03 The Saturday Night Joke THE BIKER A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents. A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life." The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right." The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump". The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: ** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. Continue reading |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by jcstokes on 10/14/18 at 02:05:36 Addiction to Motorcycles must be 34. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/21/18 at 20:22:56 A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an not a very nice person!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir. "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for not a very nice person?" Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by IslandRoad on 10/23/18 at 04:40:14 The golden rule of cross-examination: Never ask a question to which you don't already know the answer. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 10/23/18 at 06:25:58 Wow....this guy is great! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqCcnLyT5JI [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqCcnLyT5JI[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/23/18 at 08:38:48 That was so much fun. Thanks for that. What a cool guy. FAMILY humor. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 10/26/18 at 19:31:06 A cowboy walks into a bar, orders three mugs of beer, and drinks them by taking sips out of each one in turn. When he orders three more, the bartender says: “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy says: “I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both now serving overseas. When we all left our home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way but, one day, he only orders two mugs. All the regulars fall silent, and the bartender says: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just want to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy laughs and says: “No, it’s not that. Everybody’s fine. It’s just that, last Sunday, my wife and I joined the 1st Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.” |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by 1st2know on 10/26/18 at 22:06:33 Admit it, you've had one of these tantrums. (I've had a few). |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 11/10/18 at 20:21:03 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 11/19/18 at 02:49:59 Thank goodness this test doesn't require a urine sample! :-? https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=kaqZTXYZrrg [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=kaqZTXYZrrg[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 11/19/18 at 07:07:46 Too bad it wasn't the royal mounted police, the horse would chased her down and sat on her. 8-) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 11/19/18 at 08:16:39 33203736292422202B74450 wrote:
FIFY |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 11/19/18 at 08:44:15 If it were me, I'd turn the horse around and shat on them. But they would've smoked that too. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 11/23/18 at 11:20:11 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Ruttly on 11/23/18 at 12:48:57 GOF , Now that's funny but only because it's so true ! ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 11/23/18 at 13:32:44 No...I really paid that. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/01/18 at 19:08:34 (And The ONT) *** The Saturday Night Joke Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby..... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." It's unclear whether he was pushed or jumped. Continue |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 12/03/18 at 04:23:42 I sure do miss watching "TAXI". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWC0xl7vF40 [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWC0xl7vF40[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/08/18 at 21:25:28 happy-hour-20160819-122.jpg *** The Saturday Night Joke GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN..... A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering . "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea." |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 12/13/18 at 15:20:26 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/16/18 at 22:27:40 When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who said SPINE are physicians today. The rest of us went to the Corner Bar for a pitcher of beer... |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by mpescatori on 12/17/18 at 02:21:35 ;D ;D ;D BTW, in TAXI, was that Christopher Lloyd ? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/17/18 at 09:44:32 Yeah, he was in Taxi. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 12/17/18 at 10:28:37 Yeah ,long before he started customizing a De Loren. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 12/27/18 at 18:24:04 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/27/18 at 20:22:48 Wouldn't survive West Texas. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 12/28/18 at 03:07:27 "Parked"......is the best place for that rig! Visibility for right turns looks difficult.....I suppose the window helps. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 12/28/18 at 08:41:03 Yes gentlemen, it should remain parked. Preferable next to the crush in the scrap yard. But that is why I posted it in "humor". ;) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 12/28/18 at 09:04:46 I nominate it for the first entry in the thread if we ever have a Totally ridiculous Thread.. It's humorous, though. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/07/19 at 05:32:31 Izzy the dog - he is not so good at herding sheep! http://i63.tinypic.com/kcfc50.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 01/07/19 at 08:01:06 LOL! Looks like my Ember. I'm sure she would be just as effective. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MMRanch on 01/07/19 at 14:25:21 I'm glad he/she got her head up before the herd tightened in ! I don't know what the bottom-side of a sheep herd smells like but I suspect it ain't good !! ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/07/19 at 22:02:04 That joyous look on the dog's face is because it just realized it can't smell its own farts now. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MMRanch on 01/08/19 at 09:17:33 Maybe that sheep at his 2 oclock is washing him off ? With warm water ? ................................ Sort of looks like the gang at the bike Rally at the moment the Harley giveaway :-?raffle ticket is drawn ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by DieselBob on 01/08/19 at 17:03:10 Quote:
Actually, I do. Or at least as a kid I did. As little guys my twin brother and I would have to help with sheep shearing. We'd each grab double fists full of wool and just hang on until the sheep would tire. We then could capsize them and drag them back to the barn to be shorn. By the end of the day your hands would be sparkly clean from all the lanolin in the wool. Didn't smell too bad. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/13/19 at 17:52:39 Sweetheart, it's a TESLA. https://mobile.twitter.com/CalebJHull/status/1077235124482260993 |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 03/02/19 at 08:19:00 Urkel goes skiing. Go in to 4:45 Wait a few seconds There's other good stuff on the clip, but this one cracked me up. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by GOF on 03/08/19 at 06:02:04 . |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 03/08/19 at 08:51:43 Going somewhere for the weekend?... ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 03/08/19 at 09:51:45 It's nice to see women ride. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 03/21/19 at 12:11:52 Spring is here! I got so excited ,I wet my plants! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/31/19 at 16:47:19 Turkey Whisperer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzZiQ3uoEV0 [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzZiQ3uoEV0[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 05/07/19 at 07:04:18 I was out riding on a local curvy road a couple days ago, and I met 3 young women at a local rest stop area. Two of the women were riding sport bikes, 1 woman was riding a supermoto.......all 3 of them were wearing leather track suits/boots and they appear to be aggressive riders. The woman on the Supermoto seems to have a good sense of humor, and evidently she really enjoys riding! http://i63.tinypic.com/106ncrd.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/07/19 at 14:40:32 That's hilarious. And brave. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by v-pilot on 05/29/19 at 15:08:43 So, I found a radio for a dollar at a yard sale the other day. The tag said the volume was stuck on full... I couldn't turn it down |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 05/29/19 at 19:09:42 You and everyone else |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/15/19 at 23:34:57 rise-shine-20151118-10.jpg *** The Saturday Night Joke Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape, with firm legs, a strong chest, and a solid rump before I put good money down.” Larry, looking worried said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 06/23/19 at 04:07:02 The weather has been awful here the last few weeks, and the rain has made it difficult to get the yard mowed. Some folks have resorted to getting the front yard cut - but letting the back yard grow long. This is now referred to as a: Lawn Mullet. ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 06/23/19 at 08:28:15 That's funny. I've got places that haven't been mowed in months. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Matchless G11 on 06/23/19 at 17:45:37 3269342D282B30440 wrote:
I read a book on anti-gravity, I just can't put it down. ::) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 06/23/19 at 19:40:14 31282626707033243524222A727574410 wrote:
I read a book on anti-gravity, I just can't put it down. ::)[/quote] For some lite reading, I picked up a book on helium. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by SomeENG on 06/25/19 at 16:48:16 What's the difference between an old vaccum and a motorcycle? Location of the dirtbag. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/18/19 at 06:38:59 http://https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KgI39np8FTg/XS7xtqiN7xI/AAAAAAAAvmc/jaJ4q9Rqwqg0IyR9wYoaM3x05AtlxEkjwCLcBGAs/s1600/66611829_10156664297288721_8334566135911415808_n.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 07/19/19 at 20:36:14 Two older gentlemen, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." The old man says to himself, I can't believe everybody knows about this but me. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/04/19 at 10:51:08 Bill returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Bill asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Bill , however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?' At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Bill , I have to get up in the morning... you don't. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 08/04/19 at 13:20:36 A blond and brunette ladies (strangers ) share a bench and a bit of small talk , in the park . After a bit the Blond asks if the other has kids , the brunette replies ,yes I have one, under two . The blond gets angry an states , I'm not a dumb blond , I can count to one! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/10/19 at 23:22:12 A happy-hour-20170213-118.jpg The Saturday Night Joke An Italian Funeral A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also. A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in the line." H/T Hrothgar |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by batman on 08/11/19 at 20:44:52 That's funny! ( does that make me a sicko ?) |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/15/19 at 05:51:04 OK, you are asking--Who in the hell is 'Larry' ? Larry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife say, 'Where in the hell have you been?' Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking her head n disgust... 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?' Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 08/15/19 at 12:13:49 JOG, I'm glad to see you are feeling better> ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by springman on 08/15/19 at 13:01:14 Somebody brought molasses cookies to the office. Made me wonder how may moles had to die to make these cookies. I decided to try one anyway. It tasted a bit.....crappy! :o |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/15/19 at 13:49:24 I simply will not use Cotton balls. Teddy bear cruelty is just so wrong. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 08/19/19 at 13:58:58 My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. "WOW" I said. "That's an amazing car". He replied, "If you get to work early each day, work hard, stay late and strive for excellence, I'll be able to get another one next year!" |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/19/19 at 14:49:50 One of the marks of a true leader is being able to keep morale high . That guy is a total Fail.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/21/19 at 08:32:04 Grandson telling me about some of the things he's learned from the teacher... You’d be surprised at the number of Civil War battles that were fought on National Parks. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 08/23/19 at 04:57:58 Poking fun at Chevy ads: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15iLHlJPp_0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK19lf8yVgU |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by raydawg on 08/23/19 at 09:11:10 Two cheese trucks crashed together. De brie was everywhere. “Make love, not war. If you want to do both, get married.” I worked for a “ladder” company. They ask me to step down. Never tell a “PMS joke” to a woman. Period! My sister was arrested for stealing from the county road department. I should have known, all the signs were there. “Man who drops watch in toilet have crappy time.” I had to sell my “bandwagon.” Everyone kept “jumping” on. I was arrested at Walmart for stealing “board games.” I took one “risk” too many. My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back to me. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 08/24/19 at 00:34:17 http://https://maddmedic.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/gnjok.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/04/19 at 18:42:25 http://https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-16GQVKdg6zw/XXAkgwFgS5I/AAAAAAAAP7w/xPmyKupJikEGa0Rzc8Yh8HtqtBK32Yf4gCLcBGAs/s1600/at-the-Crystal-Methodist-Church....jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by raydawg on 09/04/19 at 20:25:08 You can't make this stuff up..... For that, you need to go one board down to the Tall Table, where most of that crap is made up ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by stewmills on 09/05/19 at 07:10:12 A blind man with a seeing-eye dog walked into a grocery store. They got down towards the center of the store and the man grabbed the dog by the tail and started swinging the poor dog around in circles with his arm stretched out above his head. A very worried and perplexed lady ran over and asked him if she could help him with anything, and the man replied, "No mam, I'm just looking around." ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/05/19 at 07:19:54 That's Frikken hilarious.. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 09/12/19 at 11:15:06 Blasted Mondays anyway http://https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EZctofCVUMU/XU8fuZQHqTI/AAAAAAAB8eM/HYU1yZVAXvAtnY9dvgtTVCeK7NMs82hiwCLcBGAs/s1600/1mb90m_pjx8w0HbCb1ukxxj7o1_500.gif |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by DieselBob on 09/19/19 at 07:49:20 I'm posting this with a heavy heart...[ch128532] As much as I love vintage motorcycles and collecting anything and everything related to them, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and helping out around my home, so something has to give. Therefore I have decided I will be getting rid of my life long collection. Below is a list of what's available. Serious enquiries only please. Don't insult me with undervalue offers. Thanks for reading and understanding. 1. Dustpan and brush 2. Sponges 3. Dusters 4. Mop and bucket 5. Window cleaner 6. Vacuum 7. Dishwashing liquid 8. Laundry detergent 9. Fabric softener 10. Laundry baskets 11. Toilet brush 12. Cleaning sprays 13. Scrubbing brushes |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/18/23 at 04:24:59 This thread has been ignored for a few years. Post your jokes here.......we could all use a laugh now and then. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by TheSneeze on 01/18/23 at 07:49:15 Definitions |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by TheSneeze on 01/18/23 at 07:58:13 You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by verslagen1 on 01/18/23 at 08:10:59 405F7A7D777E726178130 wrote:
Dam, now I'll be singing that all day. :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by zevenenergie on 01/18/23 at 08:18:24 http://https://i.imgur.com/mnIuWXOm.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by MMRanch on 01/18/23 at 08:19:03 ? The trouble with one sided swing arms ? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 01/21/23 at 07:50:36 http://https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/28a-6389f90492bd4__700.jpg http://https://i.redd.it/yztx2z405le71.jpg |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/21/23 at 11:40:28 I'm seriously considering calling the Lost Chihuahua number. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by TheSneeze on 01/21/23 at 17:05:42 We live in a rural area, designated as an open range. At the gang mailbox, someone taped up a sign about a missing cat. Another person took a Sharpie and wrote on the sign to start checking the coyote crap in area... Harsh, but probably reality! So far we have had reports of coyote (packs), bobcat, mountain lion, and bear. If you let your pets outside without a leash, you are fooling yourself. Nature wins. EVERY TIME. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by justin_o_guy2 on 01/22/23 at 10:48:48 We live in the boonies. I've seen a buncha cats in the last 16 years. None lasted much more than a year. Between the hawks and owls and the occasional eagle, we also have cats that are a lot bigger than Sylvester. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 01/29/23 at 10:29:21 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWmJBeAxDbk [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWmJBeAxDbk[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by TheSneeze on 01/30/23 at 07:50:29 Unfortunately true. |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Serowbot on 02/09/23 at 15:43:40 :-? |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/01/23 at 10:18:06 KISS - Rare concert performance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf79MCuQ8jM [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf79MCuQ8jM[/media] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by LANCER on 03/01/23 at 10:33:15 7D6B7C61796C617A0E0 wrote:
You ANIMAL ! [ch128562] |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Ruttly on 03/01/23 at 14:19:14 I better quit messin with Dave , there no tellin what he’s capable of ! |
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by J Mac on 03/01/23 at 16:58:02 That's hilarious. :D 69525F4859554E48535B56493A0 wrote:
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Title: Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!) Post by Dave on 03/08/23 at 16:11:26 Yep, I know the feeling! |
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