Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~
 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~
   

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~

  If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~
 

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~
 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~
 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~
 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~
 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~
 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~


 A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Texas Guinan~
 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~
 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~
 

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.

~Will Rogers~

Why did the Chicken cross the road ?

To show the Raccoon, it, COULD, be done.

Dave wrote on 08/08/14 at 04:30:45:


ah gawd.. I was completely sucked in... too funny

Dave wrote on 08/08/14 at 04:30:45:


Haha, thats a good one  

Yep...I can fix that!

Anebv8, I really liked that one. I put him there to dry!Ha!