Fred, Lived, ‘way back’ in the woods.
And was locally known as a, ’substance’, hunter.
Which means he, ATE, everything, he shot.
regardless of season. (Just what he needed to live).

The, ‘old’, local, game warden,  just let it be.
Cause he Knew, when Fred, shot a deer, he got it, and ate it.
Unlike the, ‘City’ folk that would come up, shoot 3, only take one home,
because they never bothered to track the other two.

One day the, ‘local’ G.W. retired.
In his place was a new, upstart, named, Ted.

Ted Heard about Fred, and was Determined to, ‘Get Him’.

So, one morning, Ted, snuck out to Fred’s Place, and hid in the weeds.
Ted, Cold, Shivering, Hungry, hiding in the weeds since 3 AM.
 smelled coffee brewing, eggs and bacon frying,
then, Fred, came out on the porch,   and yell’ed:
“ Hay Ted,  Got ya a hot cup of Coffee, and fresh Bacon & Eggs for ya”
Then set that plate & coffee on a table on the porch.

Ted,  got out of his hidey hole, and ate the breakfast.

Several times, different days, and for years.
Ted, tried to, ‘catch’, Fred.

Never could.   EVERY time he tried,
Evey thing, and Every way he tried,
he had, a hot inviting breakfast waiting for him.

One day, Fred went to the, ’nursing home’. Ted Visited,
Ted asked Fred:  “How did you know I was out their”.

Fred said: “I made 2 breakfasts, EVERY day”.

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F$#@ING DISHES!!"

Haha great thread.

Lars & Sven, ended up in helll.
(How, that is a different story)
Anyway, the devil was making his rounds, and finds Lars & Sven,
longing in chairs, by a lake of molten lava, drinking ‘umbrella’ drinks,
in their underwear, talking, laughing, having a grand ol time.

The devil walks up to them and says:
"What in Helll are you Doing”.
They said:
“Vel, is so nice here, so varm, all kurt lives ve have bees so colt,
is is so nive to be so varm”

Well the devil thought about it, went back to his office, and turned the heat down.
(As he never had done this before, he really did not know how far to turn it down.
Turns out, he turned the thermostat down to far, and it started snowing).

Then he went to see, Lars & Sven, and, and found them all dressed up in their warm cloths,
and Jumping Up and Down with glee. And he asked:
“Now What in Helll are You Doing”

They said:  “The Wikeings von the uperbool”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a motorcycle?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man --- "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded ---- "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that…….It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and bikes."

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'