Ok, now I understand "crappity smack".  

I was wondering what the board had changed it from.

This Halloween I'm turning all my lights out and pretending not to be home.

darn the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road yesterday.

Some passer-by said, "Hey, there's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."

I thought, 'Well I certainly hope he's having better luck than me.'




MODERATORS NOTE:  I didn't understand this.....so I looked it up. In Kentucky....we don't use the term Zebra Crossing for a striped crosswalk.

To women everywhere from a man who's had enough!


Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:

Subtle hints don't work.

Strong hints don't work.

Really obvious hints don't work.

Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying anyway.

Check your oil.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

Check your tire pressure.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!

Every Sunday, (After Church of course.)
When it was nice out, a foursome went golfing.
The same four had been doing it for years.

One day, one of the men, shanked a ball into the woods.
He shrugs, and then went in and got it.
Low and behold, their was this, ‘little green’, man
laying on the ground, next to his golf ball, with a big knot on his forehead.

The man immediately, fell to his knees, and helped the little man.
 “I’m Sorry, What can I do, Let me help you,
   It’s all my fault, Let me call a Doctor”.
The little green man sat up, said: 'He was perfectly all right,
and because you are so kind, let me do something for you’.
The Man said: “Oh No, it was all my fault, what can I do”.
The little green man said: ‘ Everything is Just fine,
this little bump on the head will go away shortly,
but I want to do something for you, because you have been so kind’.

“ No, no, no”, the Man said: “Let me do something for you”.
The little green man said:
‘Go out their and play Golf, it is enough, I am just fine’.

Well the man picked up his golf ball, and dropped it on the fairway,
(Talking a one stroke penalty of course)
Then decided, because he was so far back, he would do a #2 Wood.
He hit the ball, it went straight and true, hit the apron, bounces,
rolled on the green, hit the flag stake, and went into the Hole !
His Friends All Cheered.  (A  Eagle, if not for the plenty stroke)
so he got a Birdie on that hole.
Rest of the game went Flawless, he Never had Golfed so good Before.
In fact, he, ‘Won’ (among his foursome).

Back at the clubhouse, he said: “I’m going to buy a Pitcher of Beer”.
Just as he put his hand in his pocket, he remembered, he forgot to put some money in their.
BUT, low and behold, their, Was, money in their.
Not only enough to buy the pitcher of beer,
but, to buy his 3 friends, Burgers & Fries also !

The next week, his Job went, ‘Perfect’.
In fact, after a couple on months, he got a,
‘Hand Written Letter’, from the, BIG, boss, who happened to be in, Rome Italy.
His Golf handicap kept doing down and down.
He was a very happy camper.

Next year, same course, same hole, same day.
He hit his drive, it was going perfect,
then, ‘Suddenly’, it hooked off, and went into the woods.
The rest of his group, kinda chuckled,
and he shrugs, and then went in to get it.

Low and behold, here is the Same ‘little green’ man,
this time, he is Holding his Golf ball.

The little green man asked:
“Just wanna know how things have be going for you this last year”.

The man said:
‘Well, I have never have wanted on money,
every time I reach in my pocket I have enough”

The little green man asked:
“How’s your Job and hobbies going”

The man responded, “Never Better,
In fact I have Never Golfed Better,
AND, I got a, Hand written letter,
from the BIG, Boss, telling me a great Job I was doing”

The little green man, (with a wink), asked:
“Hows your Sex life”.

The man responded:
“Great, for a Priest in a small Perish”.

I Really want to print the 2 Kris posted out













and post them every place i can think of

Thanks! You guys are too funny!

A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.

Employee: How about this shirt?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on!

Psychic: Because I'm a medium.