"dirty" joke
a white horse fell in the muc
really "dirty" joke
two white horses fell in the mud

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful
women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code to look in my phone.

So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.

How to give a cat a pill

Position right forefinger and  on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.



Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.




4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.



Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.




Call spouse in from the garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.



Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.



Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.


Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.



Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.



Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.





14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in hamburger.

2. Toss it in the air.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

Why It’s Great to be a Bloke



Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles-add character.
You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Suit rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
One mood, ALL the darn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
The world is your urinal.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world........

The first man married a Greek girl......
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai......
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Bangor Maine.........
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.