The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the
re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his crappity smackin' widow."

Yeah... I know sum schitt, he moved in next door.... he is the son of pisa and bull.

Around here we have the Chess family.
Matt Chess
Pete Chess
Bell Chess
Rett Chess.

Of course we all know Stan Dup and Ben Dover.

I feel sorry for Stu Pidass

Redneck's Magic trick

A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.
The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever we are? You
rednecks can never beat that!"

The redneck says to the black guy: "Watch this, any redneck is
smarter than a black guy, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats. Then
he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

He eats this one, too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.

The redneck eats this one, too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous
magic trick?"

The redneck says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"