I was in a London pub one night and had had a few drinks, when I noticed two rather large women at the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked them, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of the turned to me and practically screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"

I apologized immediately and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for
dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among
them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies
lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet
for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner.It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

Dane,.. if that ain't political... I don't know what is ...

MY favorite...
"Why do cows have bells?...
Because their horns don't work"...


That's a keeper...
...

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page..."Passing motorist save little girl from being eaten in Lion attack."

So then, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE BIKIE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

....and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

So this man and women were about to celebrate their 40th Anniversery and the man was reflecting on their life together.  He and his wife had married young and struggled with money issues like a lot of folks, raised a family, and had a good life together.  As he reflected...the man became curious, and asked his wife "Have you ever cheated on me?"

The wife confessed that she had once.  She reminded him of the time that they were having money problems and were not able to keep up with the house payments, and it looked like they might lose their home.  She asked if he remembered the bank suddenly granting them a new mortgage at a reduced interest rate?  She said that she had gone and talked to the Bank President, and one thing led to another and she spent an intimate afternoon with him.....and they were able to keep their home.  The husband was upset - but realized that the woman had done it so they could keep their house.

She then confessed....that there was another time she had been unfaithful.  She asked if he remembered the time that he was having health problems, and they could not afford to have the necessary tests done. As time passed he was getting worse, and then their Docter suddenly had figured out a way to get the tests done and the necessary medication without any cost to them.....and she confessed that she had spent an afternoon with the Dr. and showed him things that were not listed in any medical journals.  Once again the husband was upset - but then he realized that she had done that for him.

He was blessed and thankful that she had done these things to get him  through some rough times - and he told her that he was greatful that it was only twice that she had strayed.  At that she commented that there was one other time that she had been unfaithful.  He was shocked, and wanted to know what had caused to to stray a third time.  She reminded him of the time he was running to be elected the President of the local mens lodge......and he needed 38 votes to win the election!

Worlds Worst Hunting Dog!