RatdogWillie wrote on 01/27/14 at 07:35:19:

If it's already packaged... just mail it to me.

El Kabong?  That guitar wielding, singing Mexican horse?  He's still alive?  and making cheese?  poor b'tard... musta lost his voice... not that he had one to begin with.

New store opening in New York City






A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5

- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(scroll down and keep reading!)



PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.

my 2 give me the same look  

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

The Divorce Settlement...

...On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into
boxes, crates
and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his
things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their
beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft
background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar
,and a bottle
of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and
deposited a
few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow
center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new
boyfriend, and at
first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out
the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were
steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to
move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to
visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and
decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return
their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they
had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were
going. She told
him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely
and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce his
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was
, she agreed
on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had
been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the
completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as
they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home .. and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain
rods !!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a Chinese pastry shop.

The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the Chinese baker doesn’t notice.

The Aussie says to the Kiwi "You’ll never beat that!"

The Kiwi says to the Aussie "Watch and learn!"

He says to the Chinese baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The Chinese baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the Chinese baker:

"Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The Chinese baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."

The Chinese baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too.

Now the Chinese baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick you broody Kiwi?"

The Kiwi says: "Look in the Aussies's pocket!"

darn dirty stinking cavemen  

A guy goes to visit the doctor.
"I want to be castrated"
Doctor, a bit surprised asks "Are you sure about that?"
"yep, I've given it thought, and it's what I want".
So the doctor makes the arrangements, the guy goes to hospital and the procedure is done. Waking up in the recovery ward, he sees another guy in the bed next to him.
"G'day mate", he says to the Other Guy," what are you here for?"
The Other Guy replies "I've just been circumcised"
His face drops.
"Oh nuts. That's the word I was looking for!"