Hi everyone … many of you, my friends and fellow Members here at suzukisavage.com, are aware that I’ve experienced significant upheaval in my personal life this past year … and since I seem to have hit an impasse, I thought I’d ask you all for your thoughts and kind advice?

First a bit of background … my wife and I met 25 years ago and will be married for 23 years this coming April. One natural daughter (age 20), both of us semi-professional career people, owned own home, good social life, no substance, physical or emotional abuse of any kind. I  thought that we had a pretty good relationship; never fought, rarely argued, still hung out together as “friends” and did the whole birthday, anniversary thing, etc., etc. We loved each other (or at least I did her). Last Feb., out of the blue, my wife gave me the; “I love you, but am no longer in love with you” speech. I immediately asked her what she wanted (freedom to be “alone”) and if there was anybody else involved (no) … That very day, she started to shut me out of her life and over the next 6 weeks it was a near total freeze-out with us occupying separate rooms in our home … practically zero communication, no discussion and no explanation from her. Those 6 weeks was pure torture for me, so in order to give her the “freedom” she said she wanted, I moved out … which saw me isolated from not only my home, but much of my life, including our daughter and most of our mutual network of friends. I even sold my S40 because my wife disliked motorcycles and I thought if she saw I was willing to make any sacrifice for her and our marriage that she would resume communication … Anyhow I lived alone in the “jail cell” apartment for the next 4 ½ months … my only human contact being my co-workers.

Then this past July, a pal from my old neighborhood approached me and said that I was missed in the social circle and that I should consider approaching my wife to suggest that I buy her share of our home from her and move back in. One day later a woman contacted me claiming that she had spent several months trying to find out whom I was and that my wife had been having an affair with her husband, behind my back, since January. This person also claimed that her estranged husband had just purchased a house in my subdivision and that my wife was planning on moving in with him! I contacted my wife with the information of the alleged affair (which she tried to deny) and also the request that I buy her out, to which she readily agreed claiming that she had already arranged “alternative living arrangements” … only to have her write me back one day later asking if I would consider her buying me out as her plans had “fallen thru” (apparently her “fling” suddenly called it off as I later discovered) … I declined, took on a $100K debt to buy her interests and moved back home at the end of August.

All was not rosy however … this was the home we built together and lived in as a family for nearly 23 years … now I was here completely alone (our daughter chose to move out to an apartment with her mother) with only the ghosts of my past and our old dog for company. I did see some of my pals every-now-and-again, but they are all family guys and so, frequently have other obligations and I am not one to impose myself or my problems on others. I have not seen much of my daughter these past several months (busy with college) … and in early November my old dog passed away.

Needless to say this Christmas was very lonely indeed … the first ever in 50 years of life that I spent mostly alone … which leads me to my point … I have had a lot of time to think and have come to the conclusion that I have not even begun to move on with my life … I have been in either a state of shock or in a “holding pattern” since last February. I have not received any admission or apology from my wife for the alleged affair, or any explanation for her decision to abandon me and our marriage. I have asked for an explanation, but she refuses to address the subject at all. Without reasons I can’t make sense of any of this … I have been devastated to tell you the truth and feel totally drained … as if my very being has been hollowed out. I recently bought another motorcycle (that I could ill afford given my present circumstances) in the hopes that come Spring it might help drag me out of the doldrums … but I’m not holding my breath … I feel lost and miss my wife, daughter, my life and the sense of comfort and purpose that that gave me …

I thank you all for bearing thru my post … I just felt a need to get it off my chest a little … sorry for being so long-winded ... all comments deeply appreciated ...

Gerald pretty much said what I feel as well.
You have freedom, but you don't know how to use it.

Get out, get on with it.  Go riding and find people in your area that like to ride as well.
Please don't just sit there and be lonely.   Don't feel guilty about the situation either.
Sit back and ask yourself what you LIKE to do (or would like to do).  Hang out in places where those things are done and meet new people.
There are a lot of people in the world and all around you.
No reason to be lonely unless you want to be.
If you can, GET AWAY for a while.  Get out of that house. You don't have any responsibility there right now (except work).  Take a vacation if you can.
Not so much because you need to get away, but because you need to NOT be there!!
That is what I would do.. but, I'm not you either.

gerald.hughes wrote on 01/04/11 at 10:35:43:

+1... especially that bit...

You're still the same guy to me Perry...   ...

Yep, married 15, divorced 5.  2 kids, now 15.  They are my anchor, my parents and family also support.

My only advice is to forget her, any explanation she can offer will not justify your anguish.  Forgive yourself, she said you're boring.  Boring is an old shoe that you've worn for 23 years, warm and protected.  Exciting is a new pair, that pinches and blows out after a few months.  Except yourself for who you are.  No need to change.  Once you stop walking around as half a person, your friends will come back.  They are uncomfortable now because you carry a ghost with you.  Loose the ghost.  Yes you will miss your old shoes, and they were good when you had them, but you stepped in crap and it was time for them to go.

I miss my old house, yet because it's her's now, I am uncomfortable when I'm there.  I have a new house now, and something I couldn't have with her, a dog.  So go out and get a new one.

And give yourself some time.

PerrydaSavage wrote on 01/04/11 at 11:43:19:


If a new property is out of the question, you can still change the character of the one you have. Since it needs renovation anyway, maybe you can bust down a couple of walls and reduce the number of bedrooms so it seems like less of an "empty nest" and more of an awesome batchelor pad.

I also think taking a vacation and stepping up your riding is good advice.  There are tons of divorce stories on advrider.com, some guys go nuts and hit the road with nothing but bike and gas money, others just enjoy the opportunity to do more riding without having to beg and feel guilty about it.  The comments on those threads are usually envious (albeit from guys with romantic beer goggles on) but the stories are still fun to read and can be inspiring.

http://advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=310834
http://advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=569453

Well, I agree with most of the comments so far.  I was on your wife's end of this kind of mess in my past life.  I was the one who left a wonderful man, after 11 years of marriage.  I still don't fully understand it myself, so I can tell you to accept the fact that your wife probably won't ever give you an answer either.  I "thought" that there was more was out there for me... blah, blah, blah.

Luckily, he and I both moved on.  He is remarried with 2 more kids, and seems to be happy.  I never had any more children, but now have 3 step-children and a husband that I love with all my heart.  People speak of a mid-life crisis, and I guess that's what I had.  In reality, my life was fine.  But it is fine in a different way now.  Because as good people, we move on and make it fine.  I know you will too.  And as Angie said, we got your back if you need us.     

one day at a time, and something very important, find something, anything, a hobby, write a novel, anything that you like and get involved in it as best you can within your means, finding something that you love and getting involved with that is a great way to show yourself that there's something out there for you, and you'll meet people!  

and remember, it's okay to be down here and there, you've been through a lot, so you are normal. it's good

Knowing that you all have my back humbles me greatly ... I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart ... your advice is sound too  and I thank you for that as well. No fears of me hittin' the booze ... I take a social drink, but have NO desire to go bottoms up ... have seen the destruction alcohol wrought on my youngest brother's life.
Babyhog ... your admissions and comments are honest and brave ... and I find them very interesting in light of the fact that I am trying to find some closure, some reasons for what happened so that I can make sense of things and move on. You are probably right in that my wife hasn't given me any explanation because she may not know the reasons herself? So, it is possible that I will end up having to accept that fact ...
The hurt I feel is mixed with a good dose of fear ... hurt because I was abandoned (notice I didn't use word betrayed) by the person who meant the most to me in the entire world ... something I would have NEVER done to her ... the fear comes from having to face the world alone at age 50 without my partner and best friend ...
All that said, I can hold my head up with the knowledge that I have done nothing wrong here ... even though it is hard not to blame oneself when you are looking for those elusive reasons ...
I cannot wait to get out on the Bike again ... to feel the road under my wheels and to seek out some new friends ...