He knows his ranch.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old   rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for  illegally grown drugs." The rancher said,  "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,  "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land.  No questions asked or answered.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the  DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.


   


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs. . .  
"Your badge.. Show him your BADGE!"


Phelonius

An Israeli and a Texan are attending an agriculture conference.  After discussing irrigation techniques, the topic switches to cattle management.  The Israeli discusses their latest turntable style milking machine, after which the Texan starts talking about the size of his herd and his grazing operations.  After a while, the Texan starts feeling that there's a difference in the size of their ranches.  So he tells the Israeli, "Why son, on my ranch I can get in my pickup truck right after breakfast and drive all day, from sun-up to sun-down, and never get off my property!"  The Israeli answers him:  "Yeah, we once had a truck like that on the kibbutz -- it was a lot better after a valve job and new head gasket!"