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HUMOR (jokes and such!) (Read 13690 times)
anebv8
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #480 - 01/18/15 at 20:10:56
 
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorbike.

His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit riding. Maybe you should sell your bike".

Jim gets a horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, What's wrong?"

Jim says, "For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife"

"EX WIFE!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!", he replies.
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Ago Solvo Intereo Puteus
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savskad
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #481 - 01/21/15 at 06:23:31
 
anebv8 wrote on 01/18/15 at 20:10:56:
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorbike.

His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit riding. Maybe you should sell your bike".

Jim gets a horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, What's wrong?"

Jim says, "For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife"

"EX WIFE!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!", he replies.


------------------------------------------------------------

That's GOLDEN!!! I love it.
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2014 Suzuki Boulevard S40



The views and opinions expressed on this post reply are solely the opinion of savskad, no disrespect is ever intended, unless otherwise specified.
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anebv8
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #482 - 01/21/15 at 22:12:26
 
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg...He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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Ago Solvo Intereo Puteus
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #483 - 01/22/15 at 11:46:08
 
Well, that's just Awful!!
And funnee,  ohh, I'm awful..
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #484 - 01/23/15 at 21:24:53
 
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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RatdogWillie
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #485 - 01/30/15 at 12:06:23
 
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"


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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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verslagen1
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #486 - 01/30/15 at 12:22:16
 
RatdogWillie wrote on 01/30/15 at 12:06:23:
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

dang... what a good comeback... all I could think of was a cheery wave.
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gizzo
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #487 - 01/30/15 at 14:01:32
 
Oh dear, those are some good jokes. Thanks guys  Cheesy
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Skiprrdog
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are we there yet?

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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #488 - 01/31/15 at 05:44:51
 
A man and wife find themselves in divorce court. The judge says to the wife, "Madam, why is it you want to get a divorce?" To this the wife replies, "your honor, in five years of marriage he never said one word to me!". The judge turns to the husband and says, "sir is this true? In five years of marriage you never talked to your wife?" The husband replies, "well, I wanted to your honor, but I did not want to interrupt her!".
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Skiprrdog
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #489 - 01/31/15 at 06:09:45
 
anebv8 wrote on 01/09/15 at 15:32:16:
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."




Do you know why Northern Baptists don't have sex standing up? Because it might lead to dancing...
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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RatdogWillie
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #490 - 02/01/15 at 05:12:13
 
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:




   1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

   2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

   3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

   4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

   5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

   6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

   7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY -

   SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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Art Webb
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #491 - 02/01/15 at 08:32:46
 
RatdogWillie wrote on 02/01/15 at 05:12:13:
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY -

   SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.



Grin Grin Grin
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RatdogWillie
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #492 - 02/01/15 at 09:14:08
 
Art Webb wrote on 02/01/15 at 08:32:46:
RatdogWillie wrote on 02/01/15 at 05:12:13:
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY -

   SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.



Grin Grin Grin

I actually use a steel slinky as a shortwave antenna. I have it strung from one corner of my bedroom ceiling to another and alligator clipped to a FRG 7 shortwave receiver. I like to listen to The Power Hour (Joyce Riley) http://www.thepowerhour.com/

SHORTWAVE  FREQUENCIES: 7.490 and 13.845

The Power Hour is available on shortwave worldwide broadcast on WWCR
All times Central Time Zone North America.
7:00 a.m. The Power Hour WWCR 7.490 MHz and 13.845 (CST)
8:00 a.m. The Power Hour WWCR 7.490 MHz and 13.845 (CST)
9:00 a.m. The Power Hour WWCR 7.490 MHz and 13.845 (CST)


.......mine is steel not brass as shown in this example.



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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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justin_o_guy2
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What happened?

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East Texas, 1/2 dallas/la.
Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #493 - 02/01/15 at 19:26:40
 
. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


Brilliant,, I will use this every chance I get.

Rat,, that is a Nice receiver..
I have a Hallicrafters and a serious antenna, about 100 feet of 16 gauge, probably 25 feet up a tree and over to the shop,
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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Jeff71
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #494 - 02/03/15 at 12:33:16
 
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Yeah, like I have any clue what is going on....
http://myrycabuild.weebly.com
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