DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh!t!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short..

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but, can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while you are wearing them.

Son of a bee otch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bee otch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Man, I've had the drill press wrong since high school. I thought it was for stretching the wire that the shop teacher put on the chuck key until it snaps thus propelling the chuck key into (literally) the block wall at about head level. The wire was apparently both for keeping the key from getting lost and also allowing the drill motor to get up to speed before fling the key. Anyway it served it's purpose.

- I was on the receiving end of this one. It made quite an impression. I think that if to this day I would try to turn on a drill press with the key still in it I would have a stroke. This among other things also cause me to wonder how I made it to adulthood.

So, California shops are not that different from Mississippi shops. I love this country.  

Murphy's Laws of Tools:
The next tool you need is the one that you left in the basement.
Box end wrenches- a tool designed to skin knuckles.
You have every size of bolt or screw you can imagine, except the one you need.
Your cordless drill will always need to be charged just when you need it.
If you really really need a specific tool- you can't find it.
Your grease gun will always be empty or air locked after two shots.
No matter how many socket extensions or adapters you have there will be a bolt in the project that you can't get a socket on.
General rules for auto or bike repair:
The Japanese have smaller hands than we do.
You can't buy the part- you have to buy the assembly.
The car that you've slowly been picking clean at the wreckers has been scrapped.
For back yard mechanics:
No matter how good the weather forecast it will always start raining after you've got it all apart.
Something you've been putting off will always fail completely on the coldest day of the year.
Hand held drilling is never straight.

Whow

Now that I know wat a band-saw is for ,  I'm going to have to get one!  Thanks for the tip.

mick wrote on 12/21/10 at 12:14:58:



i bet you never stood that close again


it's nice to know that i'm using the tools properly  

verslagen1 wrote on 12/21/10 at 20:12:05:

it hit just a bit higher than the family jewels,I had the dreaded blue balls, and old chap took on a nice purple hue,My then wife took pictures, if I can find them I will post them. Do you think the mods might kick up a fuss ? No I had better not I have enough women chasing me as it is.