Subject: Colonoscopy
     ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.



     Colonoscopy Journal:

     I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.

     A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of
the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
at one point passing briefly through  Minneapolis.

     Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

     I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

     I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...

     I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.

     Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only
with less flavor.

     Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a
liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am
being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.

     The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'

     This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.

     MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend
several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure
you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even
eaten yet.

     After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

     The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts.  I
was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

     At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my
clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked.

     Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people
put vodka in their MoviPrep.

     At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

     When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.

     Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

     There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

     'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

     'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.

     I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
mellow mood.

     Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt
excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It
was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
have never been prouder of an internal organ.


     On the subject of Colonoscopies...
     Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he
was performing their colonoscopies:
      1.  Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before.

     2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

     3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

     4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

     5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

     6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

     7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

     8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

     9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

     10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

     11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

     12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

             And the best one of all:
     13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'

This is hilarious! I laughed so hard and often it brought tears to my eyes! Even my kid came into the office to see what was going on. Having been through many 'microscope up my @$$' procedures, I can really appreciate this. And Dave Barry is great. I haven't read anything from him in quite a while. Thank you, Midnight, I really needed this today.

My wife and I cracked up through the whole thing as I read it to her.

I've had so many of these procedures I now get "Frequent flyer miles" for them !

It's the drug Versed that causes the short term memory loss. They gave me the shot of it on the table. Last thing I remember - not more than 30 seconds after gettng the Versed - was being told to "roll over". The next thing I remember is my wife in the recovery room. A little later she said I was just chatting up a storm with the nurse. I said "what nurse?"

What's really disturbing is that depending on the amount given, many patients are in a state of "conscious sedation".  You are awake the entire procedure but remember nothing.

It's become a popular drug in the operating room for many a procedure. I specifically asked that they not use it when they repaired a hernia a few years ago.  Just don't like that "don't remember anything but apparently I was awake and talking" feeling.

When I was 4 I bit the end of my tongue off when I slipped while running up some stairs. My mother packed the piece in some ice and off we went to emerge.  They used chloroform to put me out, and I remember the screen over my mouth and a foul smell, and it felt like I was suffocating, then bright colours started swirling around on the edge of my vision. When they met in the center a black dot started and grew larger- and that was all I remembered till I woke up. They were unsure whether it would "take" or not, but fortunately it did, and all I have to remind me is a scar.
The down side was that I talked funny for a couple of weeks and the kids made fun of me, and I had to eat baby food for a month, and I don't know how babies can stand the stuff.