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HUMOR (jokes and such!) (Read 13690 times)
justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #870 - 09/23/18 at 15:19:42
 
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #871 - 09/29/18 at 11:42:31
 
that looks like the first and last time i tried to ice skate Shocked
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #872 - 09/30/18 at 05:58:30
 

***

The Saturday Night Joke
This is a story with a happy ending...

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."

“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.”

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole darn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #873 - 10/07/18 at 02:01:56
 
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

"We're going from car to car, collecting donations"

The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?"

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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1st2know
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #874 - 10/08/18 at 19:45:43
 
Psych test for you!
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #875 - 10/13/18 at 23:02:03
 
The Saturday Night Joke

THE BIKER

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.

So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump". The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Continue reading
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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jcstokes
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #876 - 10/14/18 at 02:05:36
 
Addiction to Motorcycles must be 34.
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #877 - 10/21/18 at 20:22:56
 

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an not a very nice person!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for not a very nice person?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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IslandRoad
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #878 - 10/23/18 at 04:40:14
 
The golden rule of cross-examination: Never ask a question to which you don't already know the answer.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #879 - 10/23/18 at 06:25:58
 
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Someday I will be old......But not today!

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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #880 - 10/23/18 at 08:38:48
 
That was so much fun.
Thanks for that.
What a cool guy.
FAMILY humor.
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #881 - 10/26/18 at 19:31:06
 
A cowboy walks into a bar, orders three mugs of beer, and drinks them by taking sips out of each one in turn. When he orders three more, the bartender says: “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy says: “I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both now serving overseas. When we all left our home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way but, one day, he only orders two mugs. All the regulars fall silent, and the bartender says: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just want to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy laughs and says: “No, it’s not that. Everybody’s fine. It’s just that, last Sunday, my wife and I joined the 1st Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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1st2know
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #882 - 10/26/18 at 22:06:33
 
Admit it, you've had one of these tantrums. (I've had  a few).
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #883 - 11/10/18 at 20:21:03
 
.
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Dave
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #884 - 11/19/18 at 02:49:59
 
Thank goodness this test doesn't require a urine sample! Huh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=kaqZTXYZrrg

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Someday I will be old......But not today!

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