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HUMOR (jokes and such!) (Read 13690 times)
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #840 - 07/18/17 at 05:03:42
 
Blond on a building site asks to use the toilet... the foreman says, it's down that corridor, first left, but there's no door.

She says, well how the f#@k am I supposed to get in?
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IslandRoad
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #841 - 07/18/17 at 05:42:52
 
Bloke at the pub, asks the bartender "Where's the toilet?" Bartender says "Just go down the stairs". Bloke says "OK! ... but they'll get slippery!"
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #842 - 04/25/18 at 08:46:53
 
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Someday I will be old......But not today!

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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #843 - 04/25/18 at 11:21:36
 
Is it full auto?... Grin
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Ludicrous Speed !... ... Huh...
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justin_o_guy2
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #844 - 04/25/18 at 11:46:59
 
Excellent Dave,  
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #845 - 06/20/18 at 10:53:41
 
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: "This isn't WD-40."
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #846 - 07/03/18 at 10:10:25
 
Me: ** Hops on to test ride a new motorcycle, starts instantly, looks at dash **
Me: Oh, look, a compass, I'm headed due North.
Me: ** toe taps it in to gear **
Me: Hey - now I'm headed due 1 - COOL!
Salesman: ** Grabs keys from the ignition **
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #847 - 07/03/18 at 12:45:49
 
An oldie but a goodie:

A guy buys his first chainsaw ... all good.
He goes home to try it out, but he comes back an hour later and says,
"This thing's bloody useless!! I'd get the job done quicker with a hand saw"
The salesman says "Oh that's not right. Let me have a look"
The salesman looks over the saw, starts it, and gives it a good rev.
The customer jumps back in fright and says "Holy Sh!t! What's that noise?!"
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #848 - 07/03/18 at 23:12:41
 
Hillary Clinton goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.The undertaker tells the Americans accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for just $100".
The Americans go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Hillary shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #849 - 08/01/18 at 08:53:06
 
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Someday I will be old......But not today!

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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #850 - 08/11/18 at 20:34:31
 
The Saturday Night Joke
A Virgin Bride On Her 4th Wedding

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #851 - 08/15/18 at 22:36:35
 

Why was 6 afraid of 7 ?

because 7,8,9.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #852 - 08/18/18 at 20:31:51
 
***

The Saturday Night Joke
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
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The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion.- Edmund Burke.
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #853 - 08/19/18 at 16:50:39
 
Grin Grin Grin
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Re: HUMOR (jokes and such!)
Reply #854 - 08/22/18 at 07:55:10
 
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
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Crotchett
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