Update:
So last night I ruled out a few possibilities and am a lot closer to figuring out the problem. I started by pulling the fuel line feeding the carb and testing to make sure fuel flowed through the petcock. As expected, on "ON" the fuel flowed slowly and ended up just dripping (obviously since no vacuum), and PRI flowed freely.
I took some advice and tried draining the carb. I can only assume the screw on the right side of the bike at the bottom is for draining the carb. NOTHING came out. I had the petcock set to PRI all day yesterday (oops), and apparently there was nothing in the carb. The screw was loose so there is a slight chance that maybe all the fuel just drained out the bottom, but I DOUBT it.
So moving on, I decided to pull the tank to check for spark. I pulled the plug and it was...well...needing replacement. I popped a brand new NGK on the wire, grounded the plug, and confirmed spark.
All signs point to a gum'd up carb.
So I pulled the carb and a friend offered to "go through it" for me, so I'm taking him up on that offer.
On a side note, I did attempt to spray some Seafoam Deep Creep into the carb and it sounded like it fired once or twice, but I couldn't get it to do it again.
Anywho, thanks for all the help guys, I'll keep you posted.