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Message started by Drifter on 09/21/12 at 06:55:19

Title: joke
Post by Drifter on 09/21/12 at 06:55:19

Drunk guy falls off his bar stool makes his way to the restroom a few minutes later the bartender hears a loud yell....thinks a minute old drunk ryan went in there so he figures he fell down or something....a few more minutes go by and he hears the yell again...so this time he goes in to check what is going on and asks why are you yelling......old ryan says every time i flush something comes up and bites my balls....bartender shakes his head and says you idiot your sitting on the mop bucket...... ::)

Title: Re: joke
Post by thumperclone on 09/21/12 at 07:14:51

A gynecologist decides to change professions. So he goes to mechanics school. He got the results back from his first test and his score was 150%. He didn't understand that. After class he went to the instructor and asked him "how did I get 150%?" The instructor said "You got 50% for tearing the engine apart properly, you got 50% for putting it back together properly and you got a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler!"

Title: Re: joke
Post by mpescatori on 09/21/12 at 08:48:20

http://https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s480x480/401525_421208911271988_1676300189_n.jpg

Aw, c'mon, Officer, all I had was some fruit juice !

Title: Re: joke
Post by mpescatori on 09/21/12 at 08:57:27

http://www.whoopy.it/divertimento/vignette/65.jpg

Title: Re: joke
Post by arteacher on 09/21/12 at 16:44:38

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As Fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip, or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention, in Boston. "

Struggling to maintain his composure, he asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my wide range of personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?", he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it is the Native
American man who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
it's actually men of Jewish descent who are the best."

"I have also discovered that the lovers with absolutely the best stamina
are the Southern Rednecks."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein...but my friends call me Bubba."

Title: Re: joke
Post by Gyrobob on 09/21/12 at 19:16:33

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

Title: Re: joke
Post by arteacher on 09/22/12 at 04:44:33

5D6368757875781A0 wrote:

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

That actually took me a few minutes to get. :-[

Title: Re: joke
Post by Charon on 09/23/12 at 06:01:11

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who do not.

Title: Re: joke
Post by Serowbot on 09/23/12 at 08:52:39

747F7F767A75746E6F1B0 wrote:

[quote author=5D6368757875781A0 link=1348235720/0#5 date=1348280193]There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

That actually took me a few minutes to get. :-[/quote]
.. and those who count,... ...slowly... :-?...

Title: Re: joke
Post by arteacher on 09/24/12 at 05:10:01

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Title: Re: joke
Post by rl153 on 09/24/12 at 07:21:42

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,than a frontal labotomy!

Title: Re: joke
Post by ZAR on 09/24/12 at 20:24:02

What is the difference between golf and sex?

In sex, finishing the game in fewer strokes is a bad thing!

Title: Re: joke
Post by MiCTLaN on 09/24/12 at 20:47:55

624940534E4F210 wrote:

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who do not.

There are two kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.