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Message started by Midnightrider on 03/06/11 at 10:47:21

Title: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Midnightrider on 03/06/11 at 10:47:21

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I . Let's go get a beer..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Serowbot on 03/06/11 at 11:16:31

;D ;D ;D...

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Jerry Eichenberger on 03/06/11 at 11:48:44

Old Sam and Roy, both in their 80s, were sitting on the park bench talking.
Sam asked Roy how he felt that morning when he awoke.
Roy said he felt like a newborn baby.
Sam asked what he meant.
Roy said, "Bald, naked, and I had just wet the bed".

A couple in their late 80s had a doctor's appt. The guy asked the doc if he could watch the couple have sex and suggest if any improvement was in order. The doc said he had about 20 minutes before the next patient, so the couple had sex on the exam table. All went well, the doc said they performed admirably, but he had to charge them the $20 co-pay from Medicare.
The next week, they appeared again at the doc's office with the same request. The doc thought it strange, but went along with the request. Once more, all went well.
When the couple came in the 3rd time, another week later, the doc asked the guy why he kept coming with that request, as all was well with their sex lives.
The guy said, "Well doc, I'm married so we can't go to my place; she's married so we can't go to her place; Holiday Inn charges $89, and you're only the $20 co-pay".

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Paladin. on 03/06/11 at 12:40:19

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by mick on 03/06/11 at 13:07:27

two old guys walked together down to the rec room of the old folks home,they went in and just stood there watching all the residents coughing and hacking ,with fluids leeking from every orifice,One old guy said to the other "If we had been heavy drinkers and chain smokers we would have missed all this.

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Southpaw on 03/06/11 at 21:43:43

A seventy year old man had just finished his examination when the doctor came back with a strange look on his face. "Ralph" he said, "Everything else looks good, but why in the world are you putting suppositories in your ear? What were you thinking?" Without saying a word, the old fellow just shakes his head and picks up his cell phone and says into the receiver..."Hello Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I've got a feeling I know where it is..."

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Midnightrider on 03/07/11 at 09:39:10

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr.. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by babyhog on 03/07/11 at 09:50:50

Thanks a bunch for the laughs. I needed it on this dreary Monday.

-----------

A sexually active older woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose?' she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by SavRon on 03/07/11 at 13:39:11

Three old ladies were setting on a park bench. A man walks up in front of them wearing nothing but a trench coat and Flashes them. First old lady has a stroke,,, second old lady has a stroke...the third old lady's arms were too short.

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by rl153 on 03/07/11 at 19:21:51

Jake is 79 years old and hard of hearing .He takes his wife along with him to the doctors for a checkup. The doctor comes in and says to him ,I'll need a urine sample ,a stool sample and a semen sample . Jake turns to his wife and asks ,what'd he say? She says to Jake ,He wants your underwear!

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Midnightrider on 03/07/11 at 20:19:39

Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh!ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Title: Re: I'm Havin A Senior Moment
Post by Reelthing on 03/07/11 at 20:40:03

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding
anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks
if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful
years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before
we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said
he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"